Well, I have to confess that with a title like this, which isn’t that far from She Sells Seashells from the Sea Shore (or maybe Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers), my expectations aren’t terribly high.  I have a feeling this may be a hard slog. 

So why do I do this?   The answer may surprise you!  Because I don’t know what it is. 

Anyway, we start out with some kind of goofy title graphics, which make this look like it might attempt some kind of comedy.  The music is congas and xylophone, so I fear comedy is indeed about to rear its horrific visage.  There’s a choreographer credited, so that means dancing.  And we then find out it was made in Florida.   The credits have no names I recognize.  James L. Wolcott is our director.  Wonder if he’s any relation to Alexander?

Well, the credits done, we fade in on sunrise at the lagoon.  Mother Nature introduces herself, via narration, and says how she and Father Time are working together to make the world a better place.  Oh…really?  (No, O’Reilly.)   While we get more pretty island footage, she says they think they’ve done a pretty good job.  Yes, well then how come my bank account is so dead?  Eh?

As we see colorful parrots in trees and rolling on the ground, she says she and Mr. Time made one mistake, about ten thousand years ago when they tried a “topsy turvy” experiment (cue the rolling parrots). 

In the village of Wongo, she says, “we made all the women beautiful, and all the men brutes.” [Alligator].  We put all the handsome men in the tribe of Goona, many days march to the south.” [Lizard].  And we made the Goona girls, well, not beautiful.” {Lizard scurries off, then waterfall]  “It didn’t work.”  She asks why, and a parrot goes “Bluurrrg.”

Uh, what didn’t work, exactly?  I mean, we were never told the goal of this experiment, if that’s what she means by “didn’t work.”  Or did she mean that, despite trying hard over a couple of cold sixes, they were unable to change anyone’s appearance?

All she says is “The wild women of Wongo,” like she’s announcing a game show.  And we fade out on this tropical paradise, only to fade in on…a tropical paradise.  Damn, this film has the “variety” thing down cold, what? 

Anyway, some guy is dragging a huge canoe up the beach.  He then strides off with his spear, after thrusting his dagger into his briefs.  He’s too far away (and the print too dim) to tell if he’s a handsome Goon or a brutish Wong.   A parrot watches as he strides into close up.  Uh, well, he looks sort of like a normal guy.   He continues striding through a jungle made of corduroy cardboard (from the noise it makes), then he sees a big crocodile, not really bothering anyone, but he readies his spear anyway. 

Okay, I guess he didn’t see it, he was just, uh, striking a pose or something, because the next thing we see is him approaching some giant village structure made of tinfoil.  It would not be out of place on Venus, from what we’ve seen there. 

In a closer shot, a rather severe looking woman peers slowly over the crotch of one of Tinfoilville’s arches.  She looks more hard-bitten than ugly, but I guess that means this is Goona.  She fluffs her hair out and sees the approaching guy.  She looks happy and…um, I guess she has a rubber dinosaur toy strapped to one wrist, because she makes it nod happily, then she goes down to greet the returning boat-dude.  He’s still plowing through the jungle and finally comes to the tinfoil village. 

The woman, in the meantime, sits herself in a big throne amongst the giant sculptures.  To tell the truth, the whole set looks like a huge version of this Max Ernst sculpture called “The King and Queen of the Moon” if I remember rightly.   She sits in this thing, preening, and outside, the stone door opens and boat-dude enters.  He looks askance for a moment but then enters.

The woman speaks first.  “King of Wongo, why do you come to the temple of the dragon god?”

”The maidens of Wongo are ready for marriage,” he says.  “I come to ask you and the god to receive them.”

”We will ask the great dragon,” she says, rising.  “Come!”  And the two of them wander about the sculptures to a big pit, where…uh, the Wong has to roll away the stone entrance.  The Wong who doesn’t live here.  Good thing the Goons don’t have to ask the dragon god for much, eh?  Also good there are no jars that need to be opened.   They descend into a wet underground room that has a hissing alligator.  They watch it hiss for a bit. 

Okay, so she’s a Goon woman, and he’s a Wong.  They’re supposed to be the unattractive ones, but to tell the truth, neither are that bad looking.  Oh well, back to the movie.  He looks like, Okay, what’s the story?  And she nods, over and over, like Yes, Yes, yes that’s good. 

And fade to him departing back into the jungle with his spear all extended.  He wipes the sweat from his brow, then we see her back in the tower crotch, stroking and smiling at the rubber dinosaur on her arm.  So I guess everyone’s happy.  Everyone except me, that is.

On the way back, he’s threatened by stock footage of an alligator, a snake, a bird, and a laughing parrot.  Then he gets to his boat and disembarks from this island of [looks at notes] ugly women and beautiful men.   And we fade to a pair of feet belonging to some snoring person.   Man, this film is just one adventure after another.

More curious parrots, another big snore, then footage of kids playing on the shore.  The play turns rough and one kid starts crying, but then we cut to more kids running so I guess that was some red herring these incredibly intelligent film-makers were throwing at me, and I caught it, just like a trained dolphin! 

Oh wait, I guess I was smart after all, because this crying kid runs back to a gaggle of moms and says, “They pushed me!” despite being told hush.   A bunch of laughing women run up then, but they are told to hush as well and are directed to the sleeping feet for a reason why hushing is good.  They immediately hush up.  “Where have you been?  Get to work, all of you!” shouts the lead husher.  The women all disperse and the crying kid goes off to play some more, now happy.  Wow, that was easy.  Who knew the word “hush” had such power!  Not me, that is for certain. 

We see various attractive women do stuff, so we’ll guess and say this must be Wongo.  Those feet are still asleep.  Finally two guys who look nothing like the boat-dude from earlier arrive by canoe and blow a conch to announce their arrival.  Everyone looks up at this shell-blast.   It’s a couple of canoes of dudes, and Sleepy Feet wakes up and comes out to look as well.  Instead of the hideous fat person we were all expecting (including you) he just looks like a rough youth.  He has a sculptured hairpiece or some damn distracting thing on his head.  He smiles as the six canoe dudes beach their canoes.

”Ako brings you the kill,” Sleepy Feet says to some Leopard-Skinned Babe.  “It is good.  His father will buy you tonight.”  She looks less than thrilled at this news. 

Some boat dude says how some guy brought some stuff to “Omo.”  Another guy says “My father buys Omo for me tonight.”  So, I guess this is Ako, and we’re seeing power politics or something equally dull.  Whatever, you know, whatever!  Get on with it.  Cue the exploding volcano, or the dinosaur attack, or the time-traveling nerd who gives kissing lessons!   Anything!

Ako takes his carrion and tosses it in front of Leopard Babe.  She winces, and Parrot comments via parrot talk about the unfathomable ways of us humans.  Tell it, bird brother!

Some other chick runs up to comfort Leopard Babe, and it looks like…well, no, it doesn’t.  But just then some stranger rides up in his canoe to his own yodeled fanfare.   Everyone runs out to stand attention, and Sleepy Feet says this arrival is “a stranger!”

”I’ve never seen a man from another village,” says Leopard Babe.

”Get into the house!” says Sleepy Feet in alarm.  So, I guess he and Leopard Babe are related, probably father and daughter or something.  I mean, he sure orders her around.  Of course, after he said that, everyone in the village dashed off to a house of one kind or another.  Then some guys who really do look like brutes stood guard over the houses. 

The stranger beaches his boat, and Sleepy Feet notes how “He carries the wing of the white bird of peace!”  Is that good or bad, I wonder?  I mean, if he just has the wing, doesn’t that mean he killed it?

As the stranger strides up the shore, we can see he’s fairly handsome, more handsome than the others, anyway.  Leopard Babe and her Best Pal discuss how dreamy this guy is.  The parrot says, “What?” over and over.  More women look upon this guy and swoon. 

Stranger goes up to the assembled men of Wongo and says he comes in peace and bears the words of his father, the Goona king.  King Sleepy Feet says he’ll hear these words, then.   Everyone sits down to listen.  But first, food is brought.  I suppose it’s ceremonial or something, but these guys read their lines so stiffly you could use them to iron pants.  King Sleepy Feet orders for food to be brought, and Leopard Babe comes bearing a pair of round, large, luscious looking coconuts. 

While Stranger says his people are in fear, because of some approaching armada, Leopard Babe kneels before him with her coconuts offered.  He looks like he’s falling in love.  The music goes all love-sick too, and the parrot says “Uh oh, here we go,” then “Break it up, break it up.”  What he wants broken up isn’t clear (perhaps the static tableau, or perhaps the ossifying pace of this leaden adventure). 

King Sleepy Feet, growing impatient, orders the Stranger to eat.  He notes, “I have never seen a woman like this before.”

”She is like any other,” the King says of his own daughter.  Gee, thanks dad. 

”She is not like those in Goona,” he says, sounding like a badly programmed robot.  Good grief, Hymie the Control Robot had more emotional inflection.  King Sleepy Feet orders the damn food to be offered, already.  Leopard Babe does, and Stranger takes it.  After caressing her hands first.

King Sleepy Feet notes this breach of protocol and, sounding ready to send an armada to Goona himself, orders his daughter to leave.  Then he impatiently asks for the Goon King’s words.

The Stranger robotically intones that they are beset by a race of men like apes, who come from the sea.  King Sleepy Feet is pretty dismissive of sea monkeys.  Blah blah yak yak yak, til finally Stranger says that a good plan would be for the Wongs to come to live with the Goons, so they’ll be twice as strong against the sea monkeys.   There’s some discussion of how strong people are, and Stranger admits he was sent because he’s a prince; “Many in Goona are stronger than I.”  All this time, the rest of the Wongs are gathering near the tribunal. 

”Do all the men of Goona also have women’s skins?” some Wong asks, and this raises a chuckle.  I think they mean, soft and silky skin on themselves, not that they’re some kind of island of Ed Geins. 

Stranger says the guy can see how soft his skin is (he means in a fight, not in any other way), but King Sleepy Feet notes how the heckler is “young, perhaps a little foolish this day with love” (maybe he’s swooning too) and he asks if there are some more Goon King words. 

Stranger winds up his pitch by saying the journey of the Wongs to the Goon land should be undertaken quickly.   King Sleepy Feet says they’ll give the answer tomorrow, and he puts Heckler in charge to make sure that Stranger isn’t killed or anything in the night.  Heckler looks pretty unhappy about this. 

”You have commanded,” he says to King Sleepy Feet, and he “accidentally” jostles Stranger as he leads him to his quarters.  Ooh, I smell trouble ahead.  I hope that’s what I smell.  Hold on a moment. 

We then cut to some of the Wong women looking out of their huts, no doubt dreaming gushily of that hunky Stranger.  The assembled Wong elders also look as Stranger departs.  They’re all wearing black except one guy who looks like his off-the-shoulder ensemble was cobbled together from a shower curtain made of newspaper.

Anyway, one of the elders says, “I saw such a man as that once, in my youth, in the forest.  I killed him!”  The others think this sounds like a fine scenario.  The women all speculate that Stranger will stay here.  The men are pretty ticked.  So, okay, what about those sea monkeys?  Was that all just background stuff to be ignored? 

Um, well, the film doesn’t care as we watch Leopard Babe and Best Pal say they hope they can find a way to keep Stranger here.  (He is comically dragged off by Heckler.)  Best Pal seems alarmed at the hinted plan of Leopard Babe, noting that the Dragon God would be alarmingly ticked if this happened.  She even clamps her hand over Leopard Babe’s mouth, fearful of the god’s wrath.

Back at the council of elders, Happy Feet says, “You have seen our foolish women…”

”We have all seen,” interrupts one guy. 

Balding, who killed a guy in the woods when a youth, says, “We have been shamed.  The women have shamed before this man with a woman’s skin.”

The rest all note how they have man’s faces, not those of ladies, and they are happy about this current state of things.   They also question the existence of sea monkeys, thinking this is some “wild story” so that all the Wongs will go to the Goons and the swooning will commence. 

--except for the fact that Stranger asked for the men, and not the women to come defend Goona, this makes perfect sense.  In other words, it doesn’t. 

King Sleepy Feet decides they won’t go to Goona, and they’ll send words to this effect.  Balding notes that they need not send any words; if they kill Stranger, it will send the same message.  He also mentions the bit that if Stranger leaves alive, the Wonga women will never stop dreaming about him. 

”You speak words of wisdom,” King Sleepy Feet says, “but I have given my word that no harm shall come to him tonight.”

Balding nods, “It would be better done in the morning,” he says, finding the obvious loophole, “when the maidens stand ready to go to the temple.  Then they shall see him die, and never forget that he is dead.”  Damn, man, this baldness has really made you bitter (he is the only bald person around so he’s got to boast all the time or no one will respect him at all). 

King Sleepy Feet agrees that this is pretty smart, noting though “I do not like to kill a man who comes with a white bird’s wing.”  But Balding says it just has to be, and that is that.  So, they decide next that dinner is a good plan.  And we cut to the parrot, who says things I can’t quite translate.  I’m sure they’re humorous and witty and so forth.  Yawn.  Yawn! 

King Sleepy Feet goes to his hut, where Leopard Babe is stirring up a cauldron of something.  She asks him whazzup with the Stranger, and KSF says that Stranger “brought words” from the Goon King.   Leopard Babe is excited to learn that Stranger’s father is a king, but KSF is skeptical about this claim.   Leopard Babe reluctantly brings up the bit about getting married to Ako, and KSF says he imagines this will happen.  KSF, in his first real closeup, has incredibly ridiculous hair.  It is blue and sculpted.  It looks like he went to the salon, and they shampoo’d him up, but then he remembered something urgent (arriving stranger, or attacking sea monkeys) and left before they could rinse it out. 

So, where was I, aside from being asleep?   Leopard Babe finally blurts out that she’d sure like to be paired with the Stranger.

This has the reaction you’d expect.  He screams about treason and such, and orders her to stay in the hut until the morning when, you know, various stuff is supposed to happen.   The parrot comments wryly, I guess (noise comes out).

Sometime after this (could be hours or days, who knows), Balding comes before KSF and sits down, and holds out his bag.  “This bag?  It is nothing,” he says, obviously playing an angle.  “It contains only the finest shells that I’ve been able to gather in a long life.”

Leopard Babe listens to this.  KSF complains, to her surprise, that LB “is hardly worth so much.”

”She is worth much more, but this is all I have,” says Balding.  “Will you accept them?”

Even more to LB’s alarm, KSF says he is “happy to accept them.”  He then says that Balding’s son, Ako, is good, and Balding says that Ako is going to build a hut for LB.  Balding says he is sure proud that Ako is going to marry a king’s daughter.  KSF says he’s pretty pleased about the whole situ as well, and he pokes in the shells.

”I ask a favor,” Balding says.

”I grant it, without knowing what it is,” KSF says.  Whoah!  Can I have some money, then?  No shells please. 

Well, Balding asks that Ako be the one to kill Stranger.  (Ako and Heckler are one and the same, you might note.)  LB is fairly horrified by this.  But KSF thinks this sounds like a good plan for everyone (except Stranger I guess). 

Some vague time later (it always seems to be late afternoonish on this island), LB goes out into the woods to rescue Stranger.  After a bit of pausing (not sure why) she goes on, but the crocodile goes into the water.  This is treated as ominous by the composer.   Stranger, surrounded by loud snoring, is staring into space but he somehow senses the presence of LB and leaves the hut to, um, foster some inter-tribe relations.  They go off together into the woods while the parrot groans. 

In the woods, the two of them talk a bit.  Stranger says that the women of his land are like the men here in Wonga, and he’s forever spoiled because she’s so cool and stuff.   She, for her part, says that she frequently dreamed of men who weren’t brutes and now that she’s seen him, she’s happy.  They kiss, then lie on the ground and kiss some more.   We pan up through some flowers to some stars, then it’s morning again.

What was this Nature-Time experiment supposed to prove, again? 

In this new morning, there is a procession of guys carrying a pole with a thing on it.  Maybe it’s the plot!   They elders plant this pole while the music (a honking sax and a spastic organ) tell us this is like, tribal and stuff.   Then we get a look at the top of the pole, and it’s a crocodile in plastic on a pole.  Wow.  And we think technology today is cool. 

The elders back away, and everyone pays homage.  KSF asks that the dragon god take the maidens, purify them, prepare them, then return them “within one moon.”  Stranger, with his bird flag, looks lost here.   The maidens (LB and BP among them) talk about how swell he is and everything, and that they should try to save him.  They all agree this would be good.

Stranger strides up to KSF and says his journey is pretty long so can he leave now?  And are they going to help with the sea monkeys?  KSF says they’re all staying put here in Wonga.  Stranger says, in effect, okay, well then, see you.  He leaves, Heckler looks like Here’s my chance, the parrot squawks, the women tremble and, en masse, attack Heckler; he cannot aim and thus cannot kill Stranger, who scoots to his canoe and leaves pronto and post haste. 

The dragon king staff is knocked down.  Heckler throws his spear futilely, but this knocking down of the totem, that seems to be the big horror thing. 

As Stranger leaves, we hear some music made famous by Plan 9 from Outer Space.   Specifically, the opening credits music.   KSF hoists the dragon god thing back to its upright position. 

Fade to another scene, where the Wonga women are in boats and are being sentenced to unpleasantness by KSF, who notes the insult to the dragon god.   He says that the insult must be paid in blood, and no one can return until then.  He says it more fancy but I thought I’d save time.  Then, the Wonga women grab their canoes and…we fade.  And fade in on a lagoon. 

Here, Stranger has beached his boat and is returning with his peace wing staff.   He’s greeted by the assembled Goons (including dad) but has to bum them all out with the news that the Wongans won’t help them, also, they tried to kill him (“with a spear” he adds). 

One of King Goon’s associates asks if he, in turn, killed the spearman but Stranger says, no, he didn’t.  He was saved by the Wonga women.  In response to their disbelief, he says that these women are very unusual.   “And very brave!”

”You are shamed!” says the king.

”I am alive,” Stranger points out.

King thinks this over for a moment, and his frown turns upside down.  “It is good!” he says, and the shame bit is forgotten.   That was sure easy.  Who says people’s beliefs are deeply entrenched, anyway?  Well, he should watch this movie.  Because then I wouldn’t have to.

Meanwhile, the Goona women, who are…somewhat plain, look upon the antics of their menfolk and pronounce them foolish.  “Wonga women, indeed!” is the assertion of one of them.

Other guys get together in what looks like a football huddle.  “What do you mean, unusual?” is the first question.  I suppose “appearance” will be the main topic of the replies, but let’s ask this question for a moment:  do human beings really have a sense of what’s beautiful and what’s ugly?  The people on Goona have lived all their lives with women that we, in the technical vastness of the future, would deem “less than completely attractive.”  But wouldn’t they say that their women were the standard of beauty, then?   Admittedly, to our eyes, the Wongan women are cuter than the Goonan ones.  But some ideal of physical beauty isn’t the only criteria, there are things like abilities and talents and what-not. 

The Goons might be able to see the Wongan women as more attractive than their own women.  But they might value other traits higher, as a result of living with plainer women.  A woman who can cook and build and fight wild animals is more valuable than one whose only attribute is high attractiveness.  If they had to work, would they be unable to do what is required?  Would they break nails regularly and be unable to go on?   This is obviously a question that has vexed mankind for thousands of years.  Do you want someone attractive, or someone capable?

Of course, we have no idea if the Wonga women compensate for their plainness with capability.  I was just going on at length.  Sorry about that.  Back to the movie! 

In response to the “How unusual” query, the answer is “Very unusual!” and some guy breaks the huddle to shout “Wah hoo!”

The Goon women look uneasily upon this spectacle.  On the other hand, comical reed music plays.  But then we cut to a lagoon. 

The exiled Wongan women are lighting a fire, and the Priestess from way early in the film (remember, she lives in the crotch of a Max Ernst sculpture) sees the smoke.  The Wongan women all hear something that sounds like percussion, and Leopard Gal intuits that “The god and the Priestess await us.”  So they all go off, then.  Taking spears with them.  And they all show up at the Max Ernst sculpture, and the stone door opens for them, and they all go inside to talk to Priestess. 

Okay, I’m confused.  I guess Wongo and Goona are part of the same island?  So, why did Stranger need to take a boat to get to Wongo, if these ladies could just walk there?

”Ladies of Wongo!” the Priestess says.  “The dragon god is angry!  Do you come to offer sacrifice?”

One Wongette does a dance move which is the cue for someone else to talk.  It is noted that these ladies have “awaited the god each night, but he has not chosen a maiden.”

Priestess says, “That is why I have called you to the temple!” and she stands up to be more commanding or something.  She does some ballet hand gestures and all the Wongettes fall to the ground.  She sits back down, and the music says something about communication received.  So she jumps down and does some ballet, and the others all watch this ballet and contribute with head-shakings and stuff.  It’s definitely a ballet-a-thon.  Which is good because I don’t have to type or even pay much attention.  Then the Priestess goes back to her throne and says, “Gaze, maidens of Wongo, before the dragon god!  Offer yourselves to him as sacrifice!  Baam!  Bamm!”

And we get more ballet action for you ballet fans.  I mean, it’s not me being sarcastic or anything, it’s actual ballet stuff.   The dancing goes on for quite some time, so I’ll try to type quietly so as not to wake you.  Sorry if I do.   Every now and then, Priestess shouts “Dance!” but these chicks apparently need no encouragement, since they were doing this already.   Wouldn’t it be cool if the movie was over now?  I’m speaking rhetorically, of course. 

The dance goes on.  Then, pretty abruptly, it stops.  Leopard Gal looks at Priestess as if to say, “Are we done now?” but Priestess has a pretty severe expression, so I’m betting no gods, dragon or not, were particularly pleased.  But we cut from this to a palm tree, there in the sky.    And a shot of the lagoon.  And then the parrot making noise.  And then the Wongan women all spilling forth from one hut.  They all walk away, preening.  The music seems like “all is fine, now!” and the gals remove their garments to go swimming.  Before you ask, no, we don’t see anything except for garments being tossed to the sand. 

The women all play splashing and stuff, but a crocodile slips into the water.  The women swim unaware as the predator approaches.  Finally, they all start screaming and while the parrot honks out something no doubt relevant, Leopard Babe runs into the water to help.  And we see…the crock hasn’t caught anyone yet.  Those women were screaming because they like to hear themselves scream! 

We see the croc swimming, and we see Leopard Babe’s bust approaching, and apparently the first attacks the second, but she wrassles it and beats the crap out of what appears to be a real lizard, and not a plastic prop.   Wow, kudos to you Leopard Babe.  I guess attractive people can do hard work!  I have learned something today.  Can we stop now?

Well, no.  But the Wongettes on shore don’t see any triumph, they see tragedy, and one has the “balls” to say she’s glad LB got killed, so they can go back out of exile and beg for stuff.  Yes, it is confusing to me, too. 

LB continues her struggle, and the Wongettes notice this.  One of them wants to go help and there is a very hard to decipher philosophical discussion around this point.  One viewpoint seems to be, that if they can help LB, they will prove the dragon god isn’t a whole lot of anything much, while the other viewpoint centers around not offending the dragon god. 

Finally, it seems as if LB has defeated the dragon god’s emissary, or at least beaten it to the point where it emits bubbles but otherwise sinks. 

LB appears on shore, and is yelled at by Short Straight Hair that this is an offence against the dragon god.  LB says that the dragon god should have been able to get whatever he wanted, whereupon Short Straight Hair says he’s going to tell King Sleepy Feet.   LB says, “My father shall say I have acted as he would wish his daughter to act!”  And she and some supportive gal stride off as the parrot says something, again. 

We see the lagoon, then we fade, and fade in again as some gal is offering some other gal some kind of edible thing, saying, “They are good, Mona.”  Well, that usually convinces me, so dig in!  Ha ha ha ha!  But Mona says she isn’t hungry, and some other chick says Mona isn’t hungry because it’s her turn “to wait for the god tonight.”

”It is not that,” Mona says stiltedly, “I simply have no hunger.”

”Because you fear the god!” this other chick sneers.  “Don’t worry, perhaps the god is more particular than you think!”

Well, Mona takes exception to this.  She notes how other chick has sat for the god twice, and the god hasn’t taken her, “anymore than a man ever has!”

Well, sparks are about to fly but Leopard Gal calms this volatile situ.   Well, actually she tells other chick to “be still” as “you deserve what Mona says!”

Well, other chick sure looks angry at this, but we fade to the moonlit clouds.  Then we see the Wonga chicks all arrayed about in the moonlight, while LG says they have to remain here until the god checks them out and does something boring.  I wasn’t paying attention, but I’m sure it will be boring.  (It wouldn’t fit in the movie otherwise.)   There is some boring discussion about how Mona is to represent them all, and the god may take her, but if she can escape, that’s good too, because no one could escape a real god.  Blah blah blah.  Boilerplate boilerplate. 

LG takes Mona to “the place of waiting.”  LG tells Mona that if she (Mona) calls, she (LG) will answer, but Mona will have to stay awake to do this.  Hey, good luck with that.  I’m not having a lot of success myself.  Mona assures LG that she will stay awake by thinking.  This is a new concept to LG, but under her questioning it turns out that Mona will think of a man, and no, not a man of Wonga but a man of Goona.  The only one they know.  The gush and ooze over how swell he was and stuff. 

Then, sensing the awkwardness of this pre-sacrifice time, Mona says “I will call if I must.”  And she and LG say their goodnights.   And Mona hunkers down to await her fate amid the darkness.  At length, a crocodile appears, and Mona darts awake (so does LG), but the croc slides into the water, and everyone relaxes. 

But then some thuggish men creep awkwardly and substantially un-hidden through the grass, and they grab Mona (being careful to cover her mouth while they are kicked repeatedly in the nads) and they…well, I was going to write “throw her to the croc” since we see this swimming around, like it’s waiting, but she manages one short scream.  This rouses all the women, and they come running and rescue Mona.  She runs off as they engage the brutes (armed with clubs) with their spears.  

Does this sound as boring as my typing makes it?  Because it is.  In fact, it is far more boring.  You honestly cannot imagine the sea of boredom that has swamped me and threatens to overturn my humble keyboard.   Which is a red-lit Eclipse keyboard, which is pretty cool. 

So, where were we, other than bored beyond description?  Well, the women force the brutes into the water where they are devoured by the croc.  If you think that sounds exciting, you’ll have to think again.  And keep thinking until you imagine something dull.  Then you’ll have the picture.

LG says this was the first foray of the “ape men” mentioned by Stranger a long time ago.  So they should all leave the Land of Wongo for the land of Goona.  Someone points out that the god hasn’t taken a bride yet, so they can’t go, but LG says she’s going to override that order so they can go to Goona and be saved from the apes.  She says the blood of the “ape-men” has paid for whatever sins were committed.   And sure enough, we see the croc swimming around looking pretty content.  Maybe LG has a point. 

She says she fears for Wongo, so they should go now, but some other chick says she fears “ape-men with canoes” so they should wait until dawn.   Then we fade and dawn is breaking.   We see huts.  We also then see a couple of canoes land, loaded with Wongan women, who have now ended their exile.  “We have come!” they should out as they beach their canoes.  Uh.  Okay, then.  So the Wongan women didn’t wait for dawn?  That fade out sure made it confusing.

Not that I care.  Hey, croc gods!  Devour everyone!  Now!

Since I’m not a hot chick in a bikini, my prayers aren’t answered.  This situation, while not unusual, has always struck me as being totally unfair.  But…I digress.  Onward and excelsior and all that.

Anyway, they appear to be searching their own huts, and…oh the HELL with it.  They rode off in canoes while the ape-men attacked their own village, and now they return to, uh, mock things.  So LG gives the call of the Wongans and King Sleepy Feet answers, though he looks pretty worse for wear.  You know, like ape men attacked when none of us (including the camera-man) were looking.  He’s the only guy there, apparently.

Actually, now that they have graced us with a close-up, it’s Mean Balding Guy and NOT King Sleepy Feet who lies prone while the women attend to him.  But then, he dies, so LG says they’ll bury him.    Fade out, fade in on a nice lagoon scene.   Some other gal comes in via canoe and is chewed out because LG wouldn’t like this.  But some other gal doesn’t take this lying down, and the parrot says something that sounds like “Bitch bitch bitch!”  In fact, I rewound and it still sounds like that.

Some other Gal and Chewie have a big fight.  This is attended by the usual big squealing you find when chicks organize things.  Also, some fish on a pole get jostled.   Fight fight fight!   The parrot makes remarks but they are pretty incomprehensible.  The fight is mostly rolling around on the beach.  IE, not much of a fight. 

LG and Mona show up at the last minute to break up the cat fight, and Mona says since, um, Fight Starting Gal is pretty much responsible for evil, she should die.  But LG has a tender-hearted moment. 

”I am no king.  We have no men and our young hunters will never return.  {Fight starting gal] deserves to die but she is right!   We do not want to live and to grow old and die without men.” Pause while trouble starting gal is released. “Wongo is ended.  Tomorrow we leave Wongo.” She silences protests by saying they will all sail to Goona.  Everyone seems happy at this news. So we fade out.

Fade in on a palm tree in the wind.   Some guys beach their canoes on a shore, somewhere.  They mention how this is their new home, Wongo, but they are uneasy about this new terrain.  I can feel their pain, as this new land clearly doesn’t have enough easily tethered dirigibles or something.

Some dude notes how they searched everywhere but found nothing, so though everything is gone, “our village is empty, but our hearts are here.”  Oh good, then.  There is some discussion, about how they should go to Goona, but the Stranger from Goona was almost killed, so they might not be welcome there; but they have no where else to go, so they think they just might go there. And so they do. 

My question is, who the hell are these people? 

And, there in the village of the Goons, which has been fighting the ape dudes for a while, there is a procession of people walking past the king and dropping their weapons as if to say “Peace!” or maybe “Yard sale!”

Mr. Village Elder King says all these guys should go out into the forest, without weapons, for the space of “one moon” in order to prove that they’re men.  In the forest, they’ll hunt and do other manly stuff and return when the Moon is “full again!” and if they should talk to a woman all bets are off, since that means they won’t be pure men but some kind of hybrid creature or whatever.  Also the gods forbid this.   And when they get back, everyone will get married.  The Goon women look pleased, while the Goon men look like this isn’t much motivation.

In the forest, the Wong women are hunting and stuff.  They see some Goon women sitting in a nearby clearing, apparently shaving grass blades, and the parrot says, “Man!  Blaaarrg!” which is just what I was thinking.   The Wongs think these must be ape-women.  LB says, no, these must be Goona women.  There’s a bit of arguing on this point, so LB says she’ll go up and ask. 

So she does, telling the Goons “Good morning, sisters of Goona!  We come in peace!”

”Then go in peace!” yells the Fat One.  You knew there had to be a Fat One, right?

LB goes on about how they’re here to beg for food and shelter, but Fat One knows the tales of how Wong women are beautiful and she’s pretty unpleasant to them. 

The other Wong women appear, and Fat One says, “You come in PEACE!  WITH SPEARS!”

Another Goon runs off, saying, “We are attacked!”  Well, no, not really. But the Goons all scream and run away.  “Bluurrrrg…blurrg!” says the parrot, again eerily echoing my very thoughts. 

Elsewhere, to music that usually tended to play when Fred Flintstone was walking around, the Goon men are disembarking from their canoes.  They all decide to head south…to Goona, which I thought they just left and weren’t supposed to go back to.  Unless this is some unrelated bunch of guys who wandered into the movie to confuse everyone.  Maybe these are Wongs.  I thought they were all destroyed, but if I counted up the number of times I’ve been wrong about these things…. 

Elsewhere, the Goon women are tired of running and decide to rest, while one goes on ahead.  She rounds one side of a large tree, while a scout from the group in the last scene rounds the other side.  Finally, after a week or so, they back into each other and are instantly smitten (though she’s about two feet taller than he is, literally).  He waves one of his compatriots over. 

”Are there any more at home like you?” one of the guys asks, and she giggles. 

So I’m going to guess that the Wonga men weren’t all destroyed, that these are in fact them, and we’re going to see them get taken with the Goona women.  The opposite will then happen, and everyone will be happy.

Even more elsewhere, two Goona men come to a stream.  “Hey, water looks good!” one of them yells, and the other says, “Let’s go!”  We see their briefs tossed onto the shore and then hear splashing noises, just as some Wonga women walk through the jungle.  LB recognizes Dreamy from earlier in the picture, and both sides chat about how great it is to meet up again.  (I guess no one was really serious about that “No talking to women!” stuff, then.)

Dreamy is sure glad to see that Wonga is coming to help fight sea-monkeys, and wonders where the men are.  LB says the men were all destroyed along with the village, by the sea-monkeys.

She asks them to come out and they’ll make dinner, but Dreamy’s pal puts his hand on Dreamy’s shoulder to stop this sort of thing, noting the whole bit about the moon ceremony and all that.  Dreamy explains that when the month is over, they can go back and choose mates.

LB is simply horrified about anyone marrying women from Goona.  “Look at us…don’t you like us?  Would you rather have us for mates?  We can all go back to Wongo!”

Dreamy points out that he’s supposed to be king of Goona at some point.   “If Wonga is no more, you may come to Goona.  We will meet you there!”

Note:  The pronunciation of “Wongo” varies according to speaker.  Dreamy clearly says “Wonga” while LB always says “Wongo” with an o.

”We’ve met your Goona women and they would have killed us.  It would mean death for us to go there.”

Dreamy’s best pal says the women should “go away, we should not have talked with you at all.”  So the women do so.  They go off to consider the situ.

Black Hair: ”What do we do now?”

LB ”Well, if they won’t even speak to us, how are we going to persuade them?”

Rope Gal holds up some vines twisted into a rope.  “Why can’t we get them to go with us?”

Black Hair: ”But they’re men!”

Rope Gal: ”But that’s what we came here for, wasn’t it!”

So I guess their plan is to (if I’m getting this) kidnap the two guys.  Well, I suppose that’s one way to get men. 

LB turns back to the stream, and asks Dreamy if all the young men were in the forest, and they have no weapons?

Dreamy:  “I told you that, now go!”

Sure enough, rope lassos shoot out and grab both men around the neck (to comical music).  The parrot laughs, and we cut to some other guy sunbathing.   He quickly scrambles up a tree, and we see the Wongo women passing with their captives.  They choose the very tree for their camp, and up in the branches, Sunbather chuckles silently.  There’s also a snake in the tree.  

LB tells Dreamy they can sit, and he points out that they’ve bound him, like a slave, so, and I quote, “for that, something will happen to you, when it does, you will know why!”  Talk about your vague threats.

LB’s buying none of it, though.  She says they have no fear.  Dreamy makes Mistake Number One.  “You have forgotten you are only a woman!  You do not understand men!”  LB begs to differ.

In the tree, Sunbather is having the (silent) time of his life…until he sees the snake.  He does a great double-take, too.  He tries telling it to go away, without any result, then jumps down right into the middle of the women.   He immediately puts his hands behind him for binding, though I think we’re not supposed to see this and instead think he’s putting up a struggle.   He’s quickly tied up.

LB shouts that if there’s anyone else in the tree, they should come down or “I’ll put a spear through you!”

”I believe you would!” Sunbather says.  Then he notices the ladies (I guess he was high up in that tree and forgot his glasses) and says the Dreamy sure spoke the truth about the ladies of Wongo. 

Bleached Blonde stakes her claim to him, and the parrot whistles. 

We cut to another bit where the Wongo women are hiding in the bushes, except for one of their number who is lying in the grass.  Pretty soon, two Goona goons come up and notice her, and decide for a closer look.  They’re soon netted and knocked out.  “Heh heh heh, hit ‘em again!” says the parrot.

Next, we have some Wongo women hiding behind a tree.  They see some blonde hunks on the grass.  To more Flintstones music, one Wongo gal snaps a twig.  Being finely honed machines of masculinity, they turn toward the snap, and are bum-rushed by the other women and tied up.  Two more men come out of the grass, and they are immediately confronted with lariats and spears. 

Pretty soon we cut to the Wongo Women Campgrounds, and a whole bunch of men appear to be prizes now.  They are being fed, and they complain that the food is just rabbit (“very poorly seasoned, too!”).  The cooking is compared, unfavorably, to that of the Goona women.  One chap points out that “there is only one Goona, the rest of the world is solid barbarian!”

Bleached Blonde says that the men will do the cooking themselves, “under the whip!” and some Goon points out, “You’re laying troubles out for yourself, girl.  The four days I spent tied up here…will take a lot of getting over.”  Rabbit bits are thrust into his impudent face.

Next, we see all the men ready to be marched back to Wongo.  LB is telling Dreamy that they’re going to be marched to the Wongo dragon god temple, which is five days away.  She goes on in unimportant detail, then asks him if he has anything to say.

”Not now.  Later you will hear something that may surprise you.”  And they’re all marched off.   As slowly as you can imagine.  The parrot makes incomprehensible noises.  Maybe it’s supposed to be “left, right” but it just sounds like someone with a bad hangover.  Then he says “hut, two, three, four,” so I guess that was it all right. 

This marching is incredibly slow and awkward.  Luckily, thanks to the modern miracle of editing (a miracle this movie has mostly withheld from us) in the next shot they’ve arrived.  LB calls out that she has “men for Wongo” and the door opens. 

The women go in and the men are brought in after (the door can only accommodate one person at a time) and they all go really slowly until everyone is in front of the Wongo queen.  LB says, well, here are some mates for us.

”If these are your mates,” the Queen says, “why are they bound like slaves?”  Boy could I tell you stories….

Ahem.  LB says that if they unbound them, they’d run away.  The Queen orders their necks unbound.  This is done.  Pretty much in real time. 

But then, the Queen shouts that she sees spears approaching, and that means trouble!  The unbound men grab spears themselves and rush to the defense…only to meet the incoming Wongo hunters, who are here to present THEIR mates to the Dragon God.   To happy music, all the Wongo men and Goona women enter, all paired up.  Notice how I said “paired up” and not “tied up.”  Just goes to show, huh!

The Wongo spokesman says they thought all their women were killed by sea-monkeys, so they found new women and can they have them, please.  Queen says that Omo is to be Spokesguy’s wife (I guess this is Aku or whoever), “how do you answer to that?”

Dreamy steps up and says he’ll answer, “Omo is mine!”  And LB comes up and nestles beside him. 

Queen gets the happiest, biggest smile you’ve ever seen and says, “So be it!” at the top of her lungs.   We cut to each of the Wongo women-Goona men pairs and, in turn, the man winks at the camera.  (One guy has trouble with this.)  Finally, get this, we cut to Dreamy and LB, and she winks at the camera.  Ha ha ha!  “Well, how ‘bout that,” says the parrot and then we get “The End” and “A Jaywall Production.”  The drawing for this is strange, I guess it’s a guy standing on a women’s shoulders so he can paint a cave-man mural. 

Finally, we get the cast listing, but since none of them distinguished themselves and I don’t care, I’m going to skip it.  And we’re all done!  Yah! 

This is the rare example of a movie that improves once you realize you’re not going to get anything entertaining out of it.  The last twenty minutes or so, after I’d had every expectation of entertainment systematically beaten out of me, were actually passable.  I suppose it I’d known what to expect from the beginning, I might have enjoyed myself more, but the sad fact is, I didn’t, even when the film was “passable.” 

I mean, come on, when you’re looking for entertainment, does the word “passable” really get you all interested?  Didn’t think so.  

It also helped that I knew those last twenty minutes were indeed the last twenty minutes.  It was sure nice of this film to be only seventy minutes long, let me tell you. 

But it was still bad.   Dull and badly acted.  I suppose most of the beautiful people here were swimsuit models or something, because they sure couldn’t string together a sentence the way a real person would.  Even people reading their lines phonetically sound more convincing.  Those “text-to-speech” programs sound more emotionally involved.  These were some of the worst actors ever.  One can only weep at the prospect of what Ed Wood would have done with them; history can be a cruel mistress.  If you check the IMDB listings for most of them, you’ll see that this is the only credit they have.

In fairness, the women of Wongo and the men of Goona are attractive, so if you want to watch attractive people in skimpy (but not too skimpy) clothing, well, here you go.   Just turn the sound off and make up your own dialogue.  Also, it’s nice that the Wongo women take no guff after they’re exiled, even killing the two (cough) “ape men.”  But then, when the temple is “threatened,” it’s the men who grab the spears.  So never mind.

The ugly-beautiful beautiful-ugly thing sounds like one of those logic problems from some freshman course.  Note:  none of the “ugly” people were really that ugly, except maybe for King Sleepy Feet, Balding and the Fat One. 

I suppose the overall lesson of the narrative might be something about tolerating others and not letting prejudice blind you to meeting new people, or perhaps just “different folks, different strokes.”  But I really have a hard time imagining that anyone put any real thought into this.  I imagine the way it was brought about was something like, “Hey, I got a camera!”  “Cool, let’s make a movie!”

It would have made a lot more sense to film this one at a nudist camp.  In fact, lots of films around this same time were made in Florida at nudist camps with similar themes.  At least, erm, that’s what I’ve heard anyway.   I wonder how these folks missed the boat?  The scenery is quite nice, I'll give them that, and the photography is okay.  You can see what's going on, even when you don't care what is.

I’m trying to think of a conceivable reason to rent this.   Okay, here’s one.  You put the DVD on your head and point and say, “Look!  Ha ha, look!  I’ve got women on the brain! Ha ha!  Look!  Hey, where are you all going?”

They’re probably all going to watch something entertaining.   And the last one to leave will turn out the light and lock the door.  And you’ll be standing there with a DVD on your head. 

Scary thought, eh?  I’d avoid this one unless you’re a Jean Hawkshaw (Omo) completist.  In which case, you’re done!