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We
open on an observatory. A guy who's being bothered by moths is
watching something in the heavens, while the clock reads 5:23.
AM or PM? Who knows, man, who knows.
He suddenly
calls out to a Dr. Mason, who appears and glares at the guy rather
sternly. Dr. Mason has an incredibly ridiculous beard.
Guy begins to explain that he saw something, but then dismisses it;
Dr. Mason says it was probably a meteor or comet.
Guy,
however, says it was drill-shaped. But he puts his sightings
down to melancholy over the fact that the Earth is so “desperately
alone.” He puts on his glasses and goes on, describing the
Earth as “hanging in space like a speck of fruit floating in
the ocean, sooner or later to be swallowed up by some creature
floating by.”
Dr. Mason disagrees with this scientific
analysis, but Guy persists, and says they can only wonder, “wonder
how, wonder when.” And we cut to a howling dog, who is
howling at something in the sky which is, and you'll find this hard
to credit, drill-shaped!
It descends through the atmosphere,
accompanied by an eerie whine. Slowly, it descends to Earth and
screws itself into the ground (which is pretty impressive,
visually). It comes to rest with only the top visible, which
is, naturally, a flying saucer shape.
And we get the
opening credits, with music later used to better effect in Night
of the Living Dead. (There's no question.) The names
I think I recognize are Harvey B. Dunn (in some Ed Wood films, I
think), Robert King Moody (can't tell, but who could forget a name
like that?) and James Conklin (I may be thinking of silent film star
Chester Conklin here). Finally, Tom Graeff appears as writer,
producer and director.
The little dog from earlier
appears, and runs up to the saucer. It seems to want to play
with the saucer. In response, the upper dome opens, and some
guy in a jet pilot helmet pops out, takes aim with his ray gun, and
skeletonizes the poor little dog! Why, you rotter, he only
wanted to play.
Having dispatched the pooch, this guy emerges
further from the saucer. He takes off his helmet, grabs a small
suitcase and buggers off. Then, someone who looks a lot like
him also emerges from the saucer and likewise takes a hike.
What is this, a space clown car? And why do the two look so
much alike?
The second guy smells the dirt, and stalks around
the set a while. Then two more people emerge with a big case,
and finally another guy with a suitcase comes out.
This last guy looks regretfully at the dog skeleton, then he sets his
suitcase down, and along with the other folks, everyone starts moving
dials and such. Unfortunately, the budget didn't stretch to
things like special labels—the last guy's suitcase says
“Multichannel Mixer MCM-1” on it, and there's a picture
of a musical note. Of course, this movie was made before
freeze-frames were invented, no one would have noticed back
then.
“Report preliminary findings,” orders some
guy. Thor, Derrick, and More all announce their findings (while
giving their names—thanks!), which are pretty much technobabble
so I'll spare you. The last guy, the one with the mixer, looks
around nervously. While the others continue to report, he goes
and looks at the dog skeleton again, and picks up the dog's tag.
Satisfied with everyone's nonsense (and adding a bit of his
own), the Leader guy orders someone to go below and bring up “the
young gargon specimen.” He notes that the gargon's
reaction will spell success or failure for their mission.
Mixer
Guy, holding the dog tag, says he's found evidence of intelligent
beings. Thor says who cares (though not in those words)
and Mixer says, well, of course YOU don't. He then points
out that it was Thor who killed the dog, just to satisfy his lust for
killing. They banter back and forth before Leader tells them
both to shut up already.
(Everyone in this film, so
far, speaks in an incredibly stilted fashion, as if they learned
their lines phonetically.)
Leader tells the previous
flunky to “proceed, bring the gargon!”
Mixer pulls
a gun. “That will not be necessary, Captain!”
Everyone looks aghast at this treachery, and Mixer goes on.
“Conditions here will be reported as unsatisfactory, as they
were on the other planets we have charted.”
Leader asks,
“By what authority--” but Mixer cuts him off.
“You
will prepare for takeoff. The ship will leave this planet
immediately.”
Leader starts to talk about the “code
of operations,” but Mixer says he should forget that code, as
only civilized beings could have made a dog tag. (It's true,
you know.) He says that thousands of gargons shall not destroy
this world.
“You have concern for foreign beings over
our mission to locate grazing land for our gargon herds?” asks
Leader, despite the fact that Mixer pretty much said just that.
“Recall: it is necessary as a reserve food supply for our
people!”
“Our people!” spits out Mixer.
“We live like parts of a machine! We don't know our
fathers or mothers, we're raised in cubicles, the sick and the old
are put to death--”
“It is the one and only way to
maintain the supreme race!” counters Leader. “Have
you forgotten--”
“Our people have forgotten,”
says Mixer. “They have been made to forget. For
centuries. But I have learned how it once was. Families.
Brothers and sisters. There was happiness...there was
love.”
Leader, who looks like Al Bundy, is dismissive of
this claptrap. “Of what do you speak...where did you
learn such things?”
“I have read,” Mixer
answers. He produces a book. “I have read from this
book. I discovered it and kept it hidden. Somehow it
survived the flames of the annihilators.”
The others all
look kind of interested in this story.
“...when our
people were turned into mechanized slaves,” Mixer continues.
“Centuries ago.”
“When we return to our
planet,” Leader threatens, “the High Court may sentence
you to TORTURE! And death for this treason.”
Mixer
notes that, yes, the High Court can sure judge him and all, but till
then, they're going to look for an uninhabited planet for the gargon
herds.
“Let me see that book,” says Leader
in a complete and total I-am-not-to-be-trusted tone of voice, “I
am interested to see what sways your mind so heavily.”
Mixer
offers the book, and falls for the oldest trick in the book,
as Leader and Pals disarm him and continue with their gargon stuff.
Leader (who calls Mixer “Derrick”) tells Mixer that he is
a fool to believe the book, and he will suffer for being a fool.
Mixer points out that perhaps the inhabitants of this planet
might destroy the gargons, what then, eh?
Leader says not to
worry, as they are the “supreme race” with the “supreme
weapons.” Okay, it doesn't answer the question but what
the hell, huh.
Leader entrusts Thor to guard Mixer, and
Thor embellishes this whole gargon thing (they'll grow to millions of
times their size, in “less time than it takes the sun to rise
and fall”). Meanwhile, some other crewmen are looking at
a basket.
We get a quick glimpse of a lobster moving vaguely,
but we're assured that the gargon “thrives” in this
world.
“We shall return to our base and leave the
transport ships here,” Leader announces. “Soon,
this planet will be covered with full-grown gargons,” he muses,
“A safe distance from our planet, yet their meat will be
available to us for the harvesting. Repack the instruments,”
he orders, “I shall radio back the news of our success.”
One
of the guys looks at the lobster, I mean, gargon, and announces that
something has gone wrong. Leader asks what, and the guy says he
doesn't know, “it suddenly fell limp, and now does not
move.”
Well, Leader barks out some technobabble.
The others poke an antenna at the lob—er, gargon, and after a
moment, Leader has the answer: there's too much nitrogen in the
atmosphere. He says it a lot more confusingly than that, but
that is what he means.
Mixer asks if that means the
planet will be reported as unsuitable?
Leader doesn't answer
directly, but basically, the answer is yes. The ship will have
to keep looking for a suitable planet. Mixer looks pleased.
There you have it, ladies and gentlemen, the world's first ten minute
feature film!
No, I was kidding. It's not over yet.
Leader says that Mixer will still stand for his crimes, and he orders
Thor and Some Other Guy to bind the prisoner and prepare him for the
“isolation chamber.”
Leader then awkwardly
descends into the interior of the ship, which we now see for the
first time. He goes to a circular opening, picks up a
microphone, and announces sweetly, “Expedition ZL6 to
base.”
Well, so much for that, as we cut to the surface,
where one of Mixer's guards says he'll get “the straps.”
The other one tells Mixer to “lie down” and put his hands
behind him. Mixer does as he is told.
Fortunately
for Mixer, one of the other guys is having trouble re-packing his
equipment back into its flight case. Thor goes off to help.
Mixer waits a good long time before deciding that, hey, he can add a
lot to the running time, by running himself! He chooses
this moment to do so.
So, let's take a brief look at
events. These folks were going to use the Earth to breed giant
lobsters, but due to the nitrogen in the air, the planet is
unsuitable and they're going to leave and find some other place.
Mixer is largely responsible for saving the Earth, as his delays
allowed the nitrogen to take effect. Earth is safe.
But,
rather than take punishment (which would probably be waived since he
prevented bad gargon harvesting), he chooses to escape and THEN
endanger the Earth!
Yep, must be a teenager.
Inside,
Leader is told his “orders” are “complete”
but up topside, the guy who went to get the straps notices the
escaping Mixer. He reaches for his gun! “He's
escaping!” he yells, and within the ship, Leader looks alarmed
at this.
Sure enough, Mixer is escaping across open,
flat ground, an easy target. Thor aims, but as he fires, Leader
knocks the gun aside and Mixer trips, so the tree in front of him
catches on fire. Mixer runs on, then drops into a convenient
trench.
At the ship, Thor and Leader commiserate about how
“Derrick” (Mixer) needs to be brought back alive.
These guys are really terrible actors, I'm sorry, but they'd be right
at home in an Ed Wood film. They cross their arms and nod and
make these huge broad gestures. Imagine a whole space ship full
of guys like Eros, from Plan Nine.
Anyway,
Leader goes on to say that Mixer is the “son of our Leader”
(just to keep these guys straight, I'm going to call this new guy
UberLeader). This is news to everyone, and according to Leader, even
Mixer doesn't know it! Leader says they'll search for him when
the “sky is light.”
Just then, an underling calls
out about the gargon--”It is not dead,” he says, seeing
the thing move sluggishly in its cage. His voice drops an
octave or so: “It has revived!”
Leader notes
that it is actually thriving; according to him, the excessive
nitrogen shocked the creature, but now it likes nitrogen.
So it turns out Earth is going to be a gargon ranch, after all.
Had Mixer not run off, everything would be packed up for the next
planet, and Earth would be spared.
Way to go there, Mixer.
Leader says to put the gargon over in a cave and secure it
with straps, because apparently it's going to start growing anyway.
More exposition reveals that as long as it only eats atmosphere, it
won't get too big to handle. Who smells a victim coming along
here?
Thor marvels at thousands of these creatures, a million
times the size of this one, and it creeps him out. His pal
points out that they'll be harvested “from the air” so no
one has to worry about them killing members of the Master Race.
Thor
doesn't like the look of them anyway, and says, let's make haste and
git. He doesn't put it like that, of course—none of these
people use contractions at all.
Back at the ship,
someone (maybe Thor) eavesdrops on Leader talking to Uberleader.
UL says they should all return so they can guide the transport ships
back; Leader should leave his best man to find Mixer, tell Mixer that
he is the son of UL, and detain him. Leader asks, what if Mixer
causes trouble? UL says he (Mixer) should be destroyed, along
with any beings he comes in contact with.
Leader pops up
through the hatch, and Thor tells how he was listening, and he wants
the job. Leader says OK, and don't fail (taking many more words
than I've used). They all look at some giant birds flying
overhead, and we cut to Mixer running along, coming to a highway, and
then running along that.
And we cut to a typical small town,
accompanied by typical small town music (it's what you would hear in
a documentary about hot-dogs, for example). Mixer is there on
the scene, smiling broadly at a knot of little kids. He walks
to a gas station, and the attendant asks if he needs help.
Mixer
asks if the attendant can translate the dog tag, and the attendant
duly reads out, “Sparky, 1243 Willowcrest Drive.”
He then gives Mixer directions to attain that destination, and Mixer
moves off.
Attendant notes to grouchy customer that Mixer had
weird clothes, like some kind of military outfit. He wonders
where he (Mixer) is from.
“He could be from Mars for all
I care,” Grouchy customer says, and asks attendant to hurry it
up. Wow, the irony! See, Mixer probably is from
Mars. That makes it funny.
We cut to Mixer, now walking
along some wide open highway. Attendant told him the address
was only three blocks away...sheesh, some people can't follow
directions.
Oh wait, it’s not Mixer, it’s Thor.
Sorry about that. All these aliens (except Leader) look exactly
the same. It’s only Thor’s poor attitude that tells
him apart. A car pulls up and offers Thor a lift into town,
confusing the alien with all this Earth lingo like “lift.”
But he gets in the car.
Driver also asks about the uniform,
but gets no answer. He asks what Thor is doing around here.
“I
am searching for someone,” Thor says.
“Maybe I can
help you...[I] know a lot of folks around these parts.”
“I
am searching for someone you could not know,” Thor says a bit
snottily, putting the kibosh on that conversation.
Then,
we cut again, to Mixer walking along a suburban street. He
spots 1243 on a house, and seems to think this is it.
Mixer
goes to the house, passing a “Room for Rent” sign.
In the back of the house, a teenage girl notes that she put Sparky's
food out twenty minutes ago, and he hasn't come back to eat it.
Grandpa (who she was addressing) says that the dog is probably
chasing gophers. Mixer is standing there awkwardly listening to
this conversation.
Teen notes Mixer, and assumes that he has
come about the room for rent. She asks him to come in, but asks
Gramps if he can show the room, as she's late for a swimming party
with her teen friends.
Mixer comes in, and Teen
introducers herself as Betty Morgan, and Grandfather as Gramps.
Gramps is Harvey B. Dunn! From that Ed Wood movie with
the octopus. Hey, and now he's in a movie with a lobster!
Wow! And in that movie, he had a pet bird, and here we saw
birds overhead previously...it all starts to make sense! Ha ha,
I knew it!
Anyway, Gramps offers his hand, and Mixer doesn't
know what to do. It's awkward, but Gramps doesn't
persist. He tells Mixer he has not seen him around before, has
he just arrived?
“I just arrived,” Mixer picks up
the cue.
Betty asks him his name, and isn't it lucky his name
is “Derrick” just like an Earthling! But he'll
always be “Mixer” to me. Betty notes that the room
for rent is her brother's, he's recently married and lives elsewhere
now.
“Your...brother?” Mixer asks.
“You...knew your brother?”
Betty seems to think
this is an odd thing to say. She notes, however, that she
and her brother were both raised by Gramps when her parents
died.
Mixer, thinking fast, says he never knew any brothers or
sisters.
“Your mother and father decided to play it
smart, and avoid a lot of squabbles around the house!” Gramps
chuckles, and Betty gently chides him.
“I never knew my
mother, or my father,” Mixer says, and this makes Betty all
sympathetic and everything.
Gramps offers to show Mixer the
room, and he can stay if he likes this room. (Money isn't
mentioned.) Betty sweeps Mixer to show the room, while Gramps
asks about that swimming party she was so on about; but you know
teenagers, first it's one thing, then that thing is “old hat”
and they're on to the next fad. Gramps chuckles knowingly about
it all.
And we cut back to that driving guy with Thor.
Thor is asking about the various parts of the car, no doubt looking
to drive one of his own and go drag racing at midnight.
Driver answers pleasantly enough at first, but takes umbrage at
Thor's increasingly belligerent tone. But he explains the
workings of the pedals and the starter and such. He notes that
he needs gas, and pulls into the same station where Mixer received
his directions.
Speaking of Mixer, back at the Morgan house,
Betty approaches Gramps. She says she asked Mixer where he was
from, but all he said was that he was “from very far
away.”
“He did, eh?” says Gramps, not taking
his eyes off his newspaper. “Well, maybe he doesn't like
to talk about where he's from.” Please join me in
astonishment at this brilliant deduction! I sure hope we get to
see Gramps solve some crimes later.
“From the looks of
his outfit,” he goes on, “I'd say he was raised in a
private school of some sort.”
A word on the outfits, I
suppose. They look like space clothes. One piece
flight-suit type of things, with gloves and boots and insignia.
So, sure, it might be a private school…for astronauts.
Betty
asks if it's okay if Mixer can't pay the rent for a while.
Gramps doesn't answer, but only because Mixer shows up. He
seems astonished that these folks will let him live here, but Gramps
notes that that's why they put up the “Room for Rent”
sign, and isn't that why Mixer is here?
Mixer looks at the dog
tag in his hand and says, “Not exactly.”
There's
some more talk between Betty and Gramps about money, but Gramps is
amiable that Mixer can stay free until he can pay rent.
He then asks if Mixer likes the room.
Mixer says he does, and
he would like to stay. And everyone's happy at this turn of
events.
Gramps says he'll take down the sign and Mixer can
call to have his “bags” delivered. Naturally, Mixer
has no bags which pings the old sympathy-meter a good one. But
the departed brother left some clothes, and Mixer is free to use
those if he likes.
Then, there is a honk from a car outside,
but don't worry—it's not Thor driving a hopped up speedster,
challenging Mixer to a drag race to decide the Earth's fate.
No, it's Betty's boyfriend, Joe, who was to take her to that swell
swimming party. I say “was to” because he's popped
by to cancel, as (in his job as newspaper reporter) he's been
assigned to interview a bunch of folks who saw—get this, this
is rich—a flying saucer! Ha ha, can you imagine?
He's apologetic, and Betty is sympathetic, and Gramps is
philosophic—why, they can almost form one of those “rock
and roll” bands with the talents they have here!
But Betty has an idea—maybe Mixer would like to go to this hep,
happenin' swimming party! And she asks if she can borrow the
car, and Gramps says sure, although he seems to feel that “Alice”
might not like this, but Betty assures him that she knows Alice, and
“you won't be able to keep 'em apart.” Does she
mean Alice might cling to Mixer, or is she saying dirty innuendo?
No matter, as we cut to the gas station, where Driver's car
is being filled with hi-test. A nice thing about this movie is
that we haven't seen any gas price signs. Those are really
startling in old movies, when you see “15 cents” a gallon
gas and so forth. And, they're a bit depressing, too, but buck
up, my pets, and back to the film.
The license plate on
Driver's car reads “KUB 647” which is probably a homage
to Stanley KUBrick. I bet it is. As the attendant (the
same guy we saw before) polishes windows and such, he notes Driver's
passenger, and asks if there's “a convention” or
something going on, as he saw someone else dressed just like him
earlier.
Well, this animates Thor a lot; he surges from the
car, grabs the attendant by the shirt and wants to know all about
this visit from Mixer.
Attendant is all, hey, calm
down, you creep, I don't have to tell you nothin', push off, etc,
until Thor pulls his ray gun out. (Even Driver notices
this.)
Well, fearing for his life, and his very sanity,
attendant spills the details of the earlier visit, including the
address, and how to get there.
Driver has heard enough of
this, he tries to drive out, but Thor skeletonizes him; when
attendant also tries to escape, he ends up skeletonized as well.
A pause, for a moment. I've always thought
skeletonization was a pretty gruesome, horrible death. And this
movie doesn't alter my opinion one bit. There's something about
the primordial fear of skeleton figures, combined with the fact that
each and every one of us has a skeleton inside, that makes these
scenes really work, at least on someone like me, who's, well,
[personal stuff deleted] and I haven’t been back since.
These two deaths are moments of genuine horror in a film that,
otherwise, is too stilted and awkward to inspire anything other than
dismissal.
Back to the action. Remember how Thor was
asking how a car worked and stuff? Well, he learned his lesson
well, as he tosses out Driver's skeleton (which stays in one piece,
like it was, oh, I dunno, wired together or something). He slips
into the driver's seat and drives out, and we cut--
--to Betty and Mixer, also
in a car, as Mixer proves an awkward driver. Betty makes some
remark about his driving abilities, and Mixer says “I have
never piloted a vehicle like this before. I will try
again.”
Betty points out his target for this new attempt
at piloting, which is Alice's house. Mixer makes a smooth
landing at the curb. It's a very nice looking house, probably
owned by some rich folks, but, yes, of course; they have a swimming
pool, big enough to host parties, so one imagines it is not an
inflatable one.
Betty gets out, and Mixer follows, and
tells her to wait. She listens eagerly as he tries to tell
her...well, something, probably. Mostly, he goes on about how
everything was strange to him, and he had just arrived here, and he's
still clutching poor Sparky's tag. Betty flutters her eyebrows
and looks very pleased. She says that she's glad Mixer popped
into her and Gramps’ lives, and notes that Mixer would hate it
in a “hotel, or some place like that.” She then
breezily hopes that Alice has some trunks that will fit Mixer.
Mixer
is left looking at the (almost fetishistic) dog tag as Betty flounces
toward the mansion.
You can read the adolescent confusion
raging in Mixer's impassive face. Which is, come to think of
it, quite a trick.
Well, we see Alice swimming about in her
pool...all alone, as it happens. Swingin’ party, Alice!
Betty apologizes for Joe, and introduces Mixer.
Alice pulls
off her bathing cap, and restrains herself from pulling off Mixer's
trousers. “Derrick,” she vamps, “I like
that.” When Betty notes that Mixer has no swimwear, Alice
assures them both that her father's trunks will do just fine.
She goes on to note that her parents and all the servants are gone
for the day.
I'm sure you and I are aware that by exhibiting
this incredible physical need (not to mention being alone in the
house), Alice has pretty much doomed herself. In the 1980's,
everyone would know this, as Jason Vorhees et al have made abundantly
clear; in the 1950's this might have been pioneering.
Well,
Betty procures a pair of trunks for Mixer, which just happen to be
hanging behind on the wall, and she tells him to change in the
bathhouse. (She's already wearing her hot one-piece.)
Just
then, some small splashes appear in the water next to Alice, and
there is a “this is menacing” musical sting, and Betty
asks “What was that?”
Alice says, “Don't
worry, I'll get it.”
Yes. Yes, you will.
Mixer turns to Betty and says, this is what he wanted to tell
her about, when he had no place else to go.
Alice pops
up again with whatever it was, thinking it was a “fifty cent”
piece but philosophical that it was not that. It's
Sparky's dog tag.
Okay, because I love you all, I went back
and re-wound. When Betty handed Mixer the trunks, he dropped
the dog tag, it bounced and fell in the water next to Alice.
Alice went below and retrieved it, and gave it to Betty. I
cannot imagine what someone without DVD technology would make of this
scene; they would probably simply perish through malnutrition of the
brain. We're lucky we live in modern times, aren’t
we?
Anyway, Betty asks Mixer where “on Earth” he
found Sparky's dog tag.
Mixer says when he first arrived, he
was with some others, and one of them “destroyed a small
creature,” and later, “I found that, among the
remains.”
Betty wonders why anyone would want to kill
Sparky, and Mixer says “they are gone now, only I
remained.”
Betty, very upset, asks if Mixer can take her
to “where it happened.”
“I'll get dressed
and come with you,” Alice says.
Betty asks that Alice
remain, and says “we'll see you later.” Yeah, in
the morgue! Betty and Mixer turn to leave.
A
quick, final shot of Alice shows she has put her bathing cap on.
And cut to Gramps, watering the lawn. See, this is so
cool, because the others were just at a swimming pool, which contains
water, and he is watering the lawn, which now contains water!
It's like multi-layered, in terms of water and stuff.
Naturally, Thor chooses that moment to pull up to the Morgan
place, and Gramps observes, “Well, well, so Derrick didn't come
to town alone!” and continues watering, unaware of the DOOM
that just appeared!
As Thor hoves into view, Gramps goes on
how Mixer and Betty went over “to the Woodwards.”
He then suggests that Thor might enjoy the swimming party as
well.
Thor plays along, asking for directions. And
Gramps gives them out, asking at the end where all these folks are
from? Not receiving an answer (Thor is busy arching his
eyebrows) he pronounces it a “military matter” and says
it doesn't matter, personally, to him. “Don't let me keep
you,” he says, as Thor's hand inches for his gun, “you're
probably anxious to see him!”
And we get a blaring,
jarring note on the soundtrack and a shot of dead ol' Sparky.
Then, a shot of a car coming up toward where Sparky met his maker.
Betty and Mixer get out, walk toward the camera; Betty looks around
and doesn't see anything until Mixer nods toward her feet, where she
spots the little skeleton.
Betty still thinks this
can't be Sparky, as, after all, they're bones and only things that
have been dead a while are just bones. Mixer looks really
puzzled (a stretch for the actor) and realizes, “You are not
familiar with the focusing disintegrator ray?”
Betty's
like, Uh, no, not really.
Mixer explains the workings of this
ray, saying that it destroys living tissue; bone, being kind of
non-living, is all that remains. (He neglects to explain how
uniforms and clothes and stuff is also disintegrated; everything, it
seems, except for bones and dog tags.)
(“Bones and dog
tags”—now there's a heavy metal song title for
someone.)
Back to the film, Betty accepts that Sparky will no
longer chase sticks, but still needs some smartening up on this
disintegrator thing. Mixer points out the tree that got burnt
when the beam missed him. Well, Betty's convinced
now...of something. She asks Mixer for some
guidance.
He...well, pauses a lot, and looks awkward, and
stuff. Finally, he asks her what “is the most advanced
form of transport you know.”
She's not sure what he
means, but at his insistence, she thinks of airplanes, “jet
airplanes” she qualifies.
“And where do they go?”
he asks. “From where, to where?”
“To
anywhere in the world,” she answers.
“And...that's
all?” he says.
“Where else is there to go?”
she wonders.
“I should not have brought you here,”
Mixer says.
“Is it about a new secret weapon?”
Betty asks. “Something you and the others invented...and
then they turned against you?”
“It...is something
like that,” Mixer says. He looks off. “I
guess I should try to find someone I can explain it to.”
“Maybe
Professor Simpson at the college,” Betty suggests. “He's
head of the science department! He will--”
She notes his downcast look. “What is it, Derrick?”
He
says, that when she learns where he is from, he hopes it will not
make any “difference between us.”
She says
that, although she doesn't understand any of this, she won't care
where he's from, as, somehow she feels that “I've always known
you. But we've never been apart.”
Ewwwww, love has
reared its frothing, serpentine head. And from way out in left
field, too! Quick, get it off me!
Mixer chokes awkwardly
on his own sentiments. “I...” he starts, then
thinks better of it. “Let us go to the professor you
speak of.”
Betty's fine with that, and notes that they
have to pass the house on the way, which will give her a chance to
change clothes. They turn to leave.
Then, there's a shot
of the cave where the gargon is, and there's a sound like air
escaping briefly from a balloon. “What was that?”
asks Mixer in alarm.
Betty didn't hear anything though, so
Mixer dismisses it as imagination, and he hurries them both out of
there.
And we cut to Alice, swimming all alone in her pool.
Still a swell party, eh Alice? Everyone who’s
anyone is there! Thor is standing right by the
side of the pool, looking grim.
“Well, hello,”
Alice vamps at this stranger. “What can I do for
you?”
“You are alone?” he asks.
“I
could be,” she purrs. He wants to know where the others
are, “the ones who were with you.”
She tries more
kittenish stuff, but he's having none of it, and his stiff rudeness
begins to dampen her ardor. She has no idea where the others
have hied themselves off to. She's ready to call the police,
but he says, “You will call no one!” She swims to
the other side of the pool, where the ladder is, and he blasts her.
“I said you will call no one!” And Alice has
suddenly lost a lot of weight.
I’ve mentioned it
before, but this disintegrator beam destroys everything but the
skeleton. Clothes, shoes, belt buckles—both Thor's gas
station victims were denuded of all but bone. The only thing so
far not disintegrated was Sparky’s dog tag. You could
make a fortune selling these guns to the silicates of “Island
of Terror,” except they don't have hands to hold it—so
it's pure profit!
Back at the Betty house, she's changed
clothes and is preening in front of the mirror. Uh, no time to
lose and all that, eh Betty? She sneaks past the sleeping
Gramps and writes a note telling where she's going, while Mixer waits
out in the car. She then goes out to the car and tells him, and
us if we weren't paying attention, exactly what she just did in the
previous shot. She does add, though, that they'll probably be
back before Gramps wakes up. And they drive off.
Back at
stately Betty Manor, the phone rings and wakes up Gramps. It's
Joe (remember him? Me neither) who wonders where Betty is.
Gramps says that she and Mixer have gone off to the pool for that
swank party everyone would like to rave about. From the various
cans and stuff in front of Joe, he's either calling from the Gas
Station of Death or he has a serious sterno problem.
In
response to Joe's query re: Mixer, Gramps yawns through his
introduction and allegro and his renting the room. Joe offers
that he's stumbled on a double murder “that may keep me
longer.”
Well, this double murder stuff sure wakes
Gramps up fast, he wants to know all about it, but Joe doesn't know
much, but says when he's wrapped up the story he'll be over at that
party much spoken of in legend. Joe works those stories fast, I
guess.
Just as Joe hangs up, Gramps discovers and instantly
reads the note. He tries to alert Joe but Joe's already rung
off. Just then Thor drives up, and Gramps apologizes for
leading him to the party, but hands him the note about going to see
Professor Simpson. I'm sure Thor's not getting a very good
impression of us Earthlings from you, Gramps.
Cut to Betty and
Mixer walking up the impressive steps of the university. And
through the impressive door. And along the impressive hallway.
To the impressive receptionist, who, in response to Betty's polite
inquiry, says that the Professor hasn't arrived yet; she offers them
the opportunity to wait here, but they prefer to wait in the parking
lot. Ooookay. And it's back to the impressive hallway.
Say, I bet this place is called Impressive University!
And
apparently, even though we saw them going down the same way they came
in, the director broke the 180 rule, because we Professor Simpson
enter and walk down the same hallway, but of course the two parties
do not meet. The receptionist says that the exams haven't
come in, she'll go down to “mimeograph” and get them.
(Do a Google search. Strange indeed were the ways of our
distant ancestors.) And of course, just then, a friendly
janitor is letting Thor in, pointing out Professor Simpson's office,
and adding that he's the head of the science department. Well,
I dunno about you, but I didn't think Betty was taking Mixer to meet
an English teacher (though he needs one) or the guy who teaches film,
or home ec, or pneumatics.
Out in the parking lot, Betty notes
the Simpson car, and says they should go back to the office. In
the office, the Professor is on the phone when Thor barges in and
orders him to put the phone down. He then badgers the Prof for
information on Mixer, who of course the Prof hasn't met yet.
The Prof's ignorance makes Thor pretty steamed, and when the Prof
reaches for the phone again, Thor whips out the gun...well, I’m
sure glad we spent all that time at the University, aren't you?
The plot advanced sooooo much.
Apparently skeletonizing
someone raises a stink (this is the first one Thor has done indoors)
so Thor goes to the window to open it. He then escapes through
the window, and saunters off jauntily as the music (also later heard
in Night of the Living Dead) indicates that this is exciting and
desperate and stuff.
Betty, Mixer and the receptionist all go
back into the office, and well, you know what they find, right?
The receptionist screams her head off, then decides it's a joke, and
(I think) quits her job over this. Betty and Mixer are pretty
shocked as well, but as they're not gainfully employed, they have no
jobs to quit in solidarity.
There's a quick scene of
cats fighting—in my house, not in the movie—but this is
resolved and adds nothing to the plot. Any objections?
Mixer
and Betty find their worst fears confirmed here—Betty, because
whoever killed Sparky is still around, and Mixer because they're
obviously after him. Let's see if they can figure out how the
killer knew to come to Professor Simpson (who never even got to say
“D'oh!”) and go back and slap Gramps a good one.
Well,
they do figure this out, and decide to call Gramps. We get a
lot of detail of them leaving the office, finding a phone, etc, and
the phone ringing at Betty Manor. But...is there anyone there
to answer? Sure, Gramps is right there. Betty asks
a few leading questions, Gramps spills the bit about Mixer's “pal,”
and Betty drops two bombshells: first, that this guy is a
killer, and second, he's probably on the way back even as they
speak! Betty says they're going to the police, and they'll meet
Gramps there. Of course, at that moment, Thor pulls up
outside. Ooo, the suspense! The suspense...was right
here, just a moment ago. Anybody see it? Did it leak out
again? Damn.
Betty decides that rather than just going
to the police, they'll call ahead of time to make sure the police
know they're on their way. And that'll give the Police time to
make a big “Surprise!” banner for the party!
Mixer
asks what kind of weaponry the police have. The conversation
goes like this:
“Guns!”
“Guns that
emit what?”
“...bullets!”
“Bullets...centuries
old invention against--” but this line is squashed as Betty
gets the operator.
Back at the Betty house, Thor bursts
through the door, gun drawn, and he looks cautiously around the
place. Gramps runs through the back door and toward the
car, but I guess Thor was expecting this, as he calls out for Gramps
to halt. Gramps, who can't keep a secret, says that he know all
about Thor and how mean he is, etc. Gramps, I suspect the only
reason you haven’t been blasted is that Thor wants the NORAD
codes, several credit card numbers, and the formula for Diet Coke,
which you will instantly provide.
Thor wants to know where
Betty and Mixer are, and says he has no reason to harm Gramps’
granddaughter, he only wants Mixer. Gramps wants to know why
Thor has to kill Mixer and this, amazingly, seems to bring Thor up
short.
“I--” he starts. “It is
important only that he leave here. That I return him to where
he belongs.”
“And where is that?” Gramps
asks, really pushing his luck with a guy who, as we've seen, doesn't
need much excuse to skeletonize people.
“From where he
escaped!” Thor says, and then he starts to lose his patience.
“I need not harm anyone if you tell me where he is. If
you do not, there will be many deaths—beginning with you,
now!” He thus manages to get Gramps to squeal on Betty
and Mixer, and then he gets him to drive to where they are!
Gramps, you are...oh, well, you're Harvey B. Dunn, and, as amazing as
it may seem, you have acted the pants off of everyone else in this
entire film. So, we'll allow you the endless stream of deaths
you've caused. It's only a movie after all.
Cut to
Alice's house, where Joe is discovering Alice's sensational new diet
and its revolutionary new results. “Holy mackerel!”
he exclaims.
Cut to what I assume is Police central, where a
bunch of guys with guns are standing right out in the open. One
of them asks if the tip might have been a phony. Another
answers about Joe finding another skeleton.
We cut to Betty
and Mixer, driving toward city hall, Betty hoping Gramps is already
there and AOK. Behind them, coincidentally, is Gramps and
Thor! Thor leans out the window to fire his gun, and Gramps
asks him what he's doing. Gramps is told to be quiet, but
Gramps, the wily fellow, honks his horn, and Mixer realizes who is in
hot pursuit of them. So, he springs into action, and...pulls
into a parking space. Fortunately, it's right in front of city
hall. He tells Betty to stay in the car, as Thor wants him not
her, and he dashes up the city hall steps as the cops take cover.
Thor, still leaning out of the window, doesn't have the
opportunity for a good shot, so Gramps decides to park as I guess he
sees an open space. He probably gets a Senior Discount,
too—good planning on Thor's part to take advantage of
that.
Thor runs out of the car and across the road, just as
Betty decides that she needs to stay with Mixer. No one takes a
shot at Thor until he finds a nice place that has good cover (I guess
that's good sportsmanship on the part of the police).
Then,
we get a gun battle, as police fire at Thor's well protected spot,
and he fires back at them. Thor gets a couple of cops, and he
gets shot in the shoulder. He takes this as an opportunity to
escape. The cops go off looking for him.
Joe
shows up and thanks the Lord that Betty is safe. Joe and Betty
exchange information, but we've seen it all, so no need for me to
recap. Joe goes over to Gramps, who hasn't been able to cross
the street. Mixer is nervously looking for Thor, and Betty goes
up to him. He suggests that she go inside, as it is safer
there. She notices drops of blood on the ground, next to a car,
near where Thor was shot.
“Betty—go into
the building!” Mixer says, as she notes more blood on the door
handle.
And sure enough, Thor hoves into view, sitting in the
back seat of the car. He demands Mixer's gun (he got it from a
cop, I think), and Betty thinks they should do as he says.
Mixer gives Thor the gun, and Thor demands that they both get in the
car, and take Thor to a doctor. Actually, he says, “a man
of surgery, who will remove the metal pellets from my flesh!”
and he sounds really unhappy about these pellets.
“That
is not possible,” Mixer says, but Betty's obviously got Gramps'
genes, as she says that she knows where a doctor's office is.
“She
is very wise,” Thor observes, using the wrong Earth word for
“stupid.” “Now go!”
What we've
just seen is one of many, many countless scenes in movies where the
bad guy has a gun aimed at the hero, and the hero has a gun aimed at
the bad guy. All it would take is one squeeze for the hero to
eliminate the bad guy. But that opportunity is never, ever
taken. Instead, the hero hands his gun meekly to the guy who
will, most likely, want to kill him and any pals he has left.
Oh, but that's always the way you have to do it in the movies, some
people say. Quentin Tarrantino proved that movie cliches are
the best things ever. To which I say: frickin' hacks.
Anyway. We cut to Gramps giving his side of everything
to Joe, who's writing it all down. Again, we've already seen
it. Gramps then notices that Betty's car is gone.
You wouldn't believe how much talk Joe and Gramps get out of this
observation. Or, for that matter, how much running time it eats
up. Well, no, I suppose you would believe it. If you've
read any of these things you're probably as cynical as I am. In
which case, Whoa, ease on up there, pardners!
Anyway, back to
this. Gramps complains that he won't get a ride back, and Joe
offers that he'll get an escort, probably, and not to worry etc.
He's going to drive out to the old mine Betty mentioned.
Whilst all this fascinating talk is unfolding, various armed types
are prowling about, no doubt looking for Gramps' elusive
vehicle...which, we're not going to point out, was on the opposite
side of the street. Nope, we are not going to say anything
about that. What? ...oh. Sorry!
Anyway,
Joe further blathers on about how Betty said that Sparky (remember
him?) was killed around the old mine, and Gramps complains that Betty
never told him about that. Before we can get into the deep
philosophical issues of what Betty told who, and why she made the
choices she did, one of the skulking cops points out the bloodstains
on the curb. The cops decide that this is how the killer made
his escape. (It takes three of them to work out this
conclusion.) Gramps opines that, since this was his car, Betty
and Mixer must have been kidnapped! It's the only explanation,
after all.
Consternation, uproar; Gramps moves that the
police have “got to do something” and details his
nebulous fever dreams for them, opining that they've “got to
find them.”
And we cut in the middle of this
suspenseless scene—uh, I mean, suspenseful scene—to
the shingle of one C.R. Brandt, MD, who is an old guy just leaving
from his suburban office for the day. Now, I know what you're
thinking. No, no, I know just what you're thinking.
You're thinking, gosh, this guy never shuts up. Most of
you. The others are noting that there is a character named
“Betty” and a doctor named “Brandt” and are
thinking this movie influenced Spider-Man comics, which, after all,
were about teenagers! Betty Brandt was Spidey's first crush.
It could happen!
Anyway, Doc is leaving his office as noted,
and as previously seen, when things don’t go just Thor’s
way, this usually peeves him to no end, so it wouldn't surprise me if
Doc ended up a pile of bones without contributing anything to the
plot. Yes, that is depressing.
Anyway,
Thor orders Mixer to block the doc's car, and all the teens tumble
out. Doc offers that he has a house call to make and etc.
He looks like Colonel Sanders, and no, I don't think this movie was
the inspiration for fast food. Remember, the Space Teens eat
lobster, cough, I mean, gargon. And Colonel
Sanders sells chicken. Please keep these things
straight.
Well, despite the Doc's bluntness, Betty
tells him that Thor needs “bullets removed” and Doc says
he can't do it, and he recommends a hospital, until Thor shuts him up
quick with a snarled “Be silent and get inside! You will
remove the pellets here!” And though Thor is evil
and all, still, I have to give him points for shearing out chunks of
exposition and repetitive talk and getting the movie back on track.
Go, Thor.
There's a bit more exposition to be hauked
out, but everyone goes in so Doc can do what he needs to do.
They go in the house and Doc points out the table where Thor will
lie; he says he will prepare an anaesthetic, as “the pain will
be great,” but Thor says, “I will not be drugged!
You will simply remove the pellets!” Patience is a
virtue, Thor, come on now.
Thor orders Betty and Mixer to sit
in convenient chairs, and, since no anaesthetic is needed, Doc tosses
aside the gown he was going to wear. Didn't know that was part
of the anaesthetic myself; who says learning isn't an ongoing
process?
So, Thor is going to lie on a table where Betty and
Mixer are out of his line of vision, in fact he can't see anyone, and
this...oh, never mind—it's really too stupid to make fun of
this. Thor could be killed or incapacitated by any of them and
he wouldn't even know it.
Doc does the operation. Mixer
asks him why Thor has been searching for him. Thor tells about
how the gargon looked like it hated Earth, then looked like it loved
it after Mixer escaped. Thor, undergoing some pain
because of this pellet-removal business, says he sure wishes he had
killed Mixer when he had the chance.
Mixer asks why he didn't
then, and notes he saw Leader stop Thor from shooting. Thor
spills the beans about who Mixer's dad is.
Mixer gets a
zooming close-up, but to be honest, the actor looks more like he is
desperately trying to remember his lines more than anything else.
Doc's pulling out bullets and Thor's getting a bit woozy from
the—oh, wait, he didn't use anaesthetic. Uh, he's getting
woozy from...the script.
Betty and Mixer note this
wooziness, and also Thor's hold on the ray-gun drooping, and they
start to sit a bit stiffer in their chairs. Gun goes back up,
they sit down. Thor says “A traitor does not deserve to
be our next leader!”
You might remember several
million years ago, when this thing began, Mixer was complaining about
how they never knew their fathers or mothers. Seems, though,
that they know when it's important. I suppose being told you're
the ruler of the planet is like being unexpectedly given a Corvette
on your sixteenth birthday. An evil Corvette that
oppresses people, though.
Doc finishes up, and goes off-stage
to get antiseptic and bandages. Thor's vision goes all blurry again,
and Betty and Mixer take this opportunity to escape, along with the
Doc. They all pile into the car and decide to make for the
police, Doc noting that Thor will be completely helpless by the time
they get back. Betty upbraids Mixer about earlier claiming not
to know his father; Mixer responds by getting all depressed and
saying he “wanted to forget them, forever—but now I
know...they plan to return!”
And they all drive off.
And we cut to Joe JUST NOW going to his car to go to the old mine,
and he's being hailed by one of the cops, who says he's going along
as Gramps has told him “everything he can think of.”
Boy, the sluggish pace of small-town life, eh? Mixer, Betty and
Doc have aided, operated on, and escaped from Thor while Joe was
still walking leisurely to his car! Joe agrees to
take the cop along, hoping that “maybe something will turn up,
after all.” Like another juicy double murder, maybe?
That should take Joe a week to write up.
And we cut
back to Thor, staggering out of the operating room, looking for
people to skeletonize. But Mixer, Doc and Betty are already at
the Police Station! Boy...the way people move, or don't
move, in this movie will make your head spin! Unless that's the
beer. Steady now, steady.
As Mixer, Betty and Doc
rush up the steps, Doc notes that his nurse will be “arriving
soon for office hours” and he dashes off to meet her.
Boy, the richness of detail of this movie never lets up! It's
like a crash course in writing huge Russian novels, only without the
Russian-ness or the good parts, and with a huge scoop of stupidity
blapped on top. That makes it sound even greater, doesn't it?
Good plan of mine. Wish I'd patented it. Oh well.
Thor
staggers through the waiting room, knocking over a flower vase and
pressing his face against one of the Doc's outdated magazines.
“I can hear you breathing!” he says, then adds, “You
cannot escape me!” All the while, he's looking like he's
pretty much done for. Maybe you can sue Doc for malpractice!
Ooo, that'd be evil of you, Thor!
After screaming “I'll
find you!” a bunch of times at a painting of a sailing ship,
Thor collapses in the open doorway. Just then, of course, this
long-promised nurse shows up. She notes Thor, rushes to him,
and calls out for Doc. She then says, “Are you Thor?”
and he says “I thure am, thweetie! Very, very thore!”
Okay, I'll stop that. She actually doesn't ask anything.
She
goes to get some alcohol to treat his wounds, and to treat herself.
Quick cut to Doc, saying into a phone booth, “She's already
left?” then hanging up and dialing again. Just in case,
you know, we might have thought this woman was some other random
nurse who just happened to pop by for something.
Nurse
injects Thor with something, pausing to listen to the ringing phone
only long enough to look like she's never heard the like. It's
Doc calling his own office, by the way, just so they don't have to
tell us this.
Finally done with her bandaging, she gets
up to answer the phone. It's Doc, and he tells her that Thor is
a murderer, and she has to leave immediately, but if she's treated
him, he might revive at any time and cause trouble.
“A
moiderer?” asks the Nurse, but too late! Her incredible
healing skills have revived Thor and he's aiming his gun right at
her, telling her she's not going to leave. He gets her to drive
him away in her car.
Doc looks mournfully at the phone
as Mixer and Betty show up. He recaps the whole scene for
them. They all lament the fact that Nurse revived Thor.
Well, why didn't you kill him, Doc?
Sheesh.
Betty says they ought to tell the police, and Doc
takes on this heavy responsibility. Betty tries to allay
Mixer's fears, but he's afraid of the coming gargon hordes. He
describes them, briefly, saying they can grow to the size of “this
building” in a day.
“Can't you stop them?”
Betty asks.
“The only chance is to duplicate the
operation of the disintegrator,” he notes cryptically.
“How
can that be done?” Betty asks.
Mixer says that the men
of science on this planet might be able to do it, if they could get
Thor's gun as a model.
Cut to Joe and the Chief of All
Cops arriving at the old mine, where they find Sparky's sad skeleton
again. Joe notes that Thor doesn't seem to care who he
skeletonizes, animal or human, “he just seems to like
killing.” Or vegetable, too! Don't forget, he shot
that tree way back when. He probably hates
minerals, too. And gases.
“There's
more to it than that, Joe,” says the Cop King. “There's
something behind this, something we don't understand. That
weapon he uses—it's unheard of. Blasting flesh right off
the bones.”
“Look at that tree over there,”
Joe says, noting (finally) the lone vegetable victim of Thor's raging
passion, “used it for target practice, by the looks of it.”
“I
dunno,” offers Cop King, “let's take a look in the old
cave!” And a quick shot of the gateway to gargon town is
cut in.
Also cut in is a shot of Nurse driving Thor to his
destiny. She wants to know where they're going, he says it's
not far now. Good thing we found this out!
Back
to the old mine, Cop King pokes his head out of the opening and asks
Joe to bring his “flash bulbs” as the cave is really
dark. Sure, says Joe, as Cop King pops back in again.
Apparently, he popped back in a bit too much, as we hear him
screaming, some crunching noises, and the anaemic wail of the
gargon. (It sounds like some guy trying and failing to imitate
an elephant.)
Joe rushes to Cop King's aid, but Thor and Nurse
pull up just then, and Joe thinks hiding is a better idea. Too
late, Thor spots him, but Nurse does some fancy driving (she turns a
bit) and Thor's aim is spoiled. He demands that she follows
him, she refuses, he notes that she doesn't seem to value her own
life, he points the disintegrator at her, and--
--and he
knocks her out. Why Thor, you old softie, you. Been here
on Earth only a few hours and you've learned...compassion!
Either that, or the charge on your gun is getting low. All in
one quick move, he pulls her into the passenger seat and slides into
the driver's seat, somehow.
Anyway, Joe runs off toward his
own car and drives off, and Thor gives chase. Yes, it's a car
chase! Thor aims his gun out the window. But his vision
suddenly goes blurry and there's a slight electronic whine on the
soundtrack to let us know this isn't the cameraman being
careless.
The Nurse wakes up and screams, as Thor's erratic
driving sends them toward a cliff-edge. She gets tossed out of
the car as he heads over, and the car tumbles and such (to the tune
of more music familiar from Night of the Living Dead). At the
end, there's a pretty real-looking dummy of Thor wagging his head out
the car's doorway as the car finally comes to a stop. Joe
thoughtfully pulls back and picks up the Nurse. He asks if
she's okay, she says she is, and how glad she is that it's over.
“I wish it was over,” says Joe. In response
to her query, he tells about the “man-eating monster”
that got Cop King. And he says the nightmare has only
begun.
And we get a spinning headline, which stops to tell us
that...Thor was captured alive.
A newscaster tells us he's in
confinement at General Hospital. He notes that Thor's gun
is nowhere to be found, and goes on to say that the “man-eating
beast” Joe spoke of has also vamoosed.
Cut to
Mixer and Betty, driving along in the evening and stopping where Thor
crashed. Mixer is determined to find Thor's gun. Betty
notes that the monster everyone's so excited about must have been in
the mine when the two of them were there, at the mine, earlier in the
day. She wants to know why it didn't escape sooner.
“I
love the way you pad the running time,” Mixer says limpidly.
Actually, he says when it ate Cop King, this “increased its
growth rate.” He admits he doesn't know how big it would
be now. He then goes off to look for the gun, telling Betty to
stay behind. And we get more Night music. After a while,
Betty leaves the car, of course, to see where Mixer is. He
warns her of danger, but she sensibly says that two searchers halves
the searching time. She trips, and falls into his arms.
“You
make me...angry,” he lazily intones, “but I...like you
very much.”
“In a moment, the moon'll come from
behind a cloud,” she says, “it'll be easier to see what
we're looking for.”
“Yes, the light from your
moon, it will help.”
“My moon?” Betty
asks. “Where are you from, Derrick?”
When he
doesn't answer (he just looks uncomfortable), she goes on. “I
think I know...I think I've known for some time. You're not
from this world, are you?”
“I did not know how to
tell you,” he says.
She notes that it seems incredible,
as he is so much like Earth males she has known (including “Grampa,
when he was young.” Okay, Betty how do you know that?).
“We were made the same,” he says. “The
only difference is that we are put on places far, far apart.”
He has become a regular Phil O'Sopher, that Mixer.
She asks
what his world is like, and he turns away. “Babies are
bred and raised like livestock,” he says. He notes that
the sick and elderly are put to death. This seems to be a
recurrent theme in alien societies, as witness the Space Babes from
Attack
of the Monsters.
“You won't be going back,
ever, will you?” Betty asks. Ewww, it's love again, get
it off! Get it off!
“I shall make the Earth my
home,” he says, “and I shall never, never leave it.”
And they kiss.
You can open your eyes now, it's
over. More Night music, and some shots of the nocturnal
landscape, as well as our old friend the Moon. Hi, moon!
Mixer
notes the moon, and says they oughta start searching now.
Betty, for her part, notes the lack of cricket noises. She
turns, and is menaced by the shadow of a lobster! It's the
fearsome gargon, going “Gaaaahhh!” at them!
Mixer
picks up a rock to throw at the creature, and Betty notes that the
rock was covering Thor's gun! Good thing you didn't send her
away, Mixer.
Mixer goes for the gun, but it doesn't
work for some reason. “Gaaaahhh!” says the gargon,
as Mixer tells Betty to start the car, and he throws the rock he
thought so little of before. The gargon hates this rock,
and retreats before this fearsome onslaught.
Betty runs
to the car and starts it, but she dutifully pops to the passenger
seat when Mixer shows up. As they drive off, she asks whazzup
with the gun, and Mixer says it must have been damaged somehow.
No, really? He goes on to say he can possible repair the
gun.
Cut to some posse out looking for trouble, I mean, a
man-eating creature. Soon enough, it finds them, proves
invulnerable to bullets (use rocks, you fools) and kills most if not
all of them. “Search Party Attacked by Monster”
reads the newspaper headline, and from the shadow falling across it,
it appears that the gargon is reading it!
The newspapers sure
work fast in this town. How long has it been since Mixer landed
and escaped? Yet we’ve had time for two special
editions.
Back at stately Gramps manor, Mixer is trying to fix
the disintegrator. “I have found the damaged part,”
he says.
Betty holds it up. “Such a little thing,”
she muses, “yet it has the power to destroy as it does.”
Mixer
tells her the gun is worthless, unless he can figure out an “energy
substitute.”
Betty thinks hopefully that maybe the
gargon won't come to the city. He tells her it will, “for
more food if nothing else.” Don't forget, it probably
wants to buy newspapers, too.
On Betty's forlorn look, we fade
to a mountaintop observatory, where this guy is drinking gin right
from the bottle while reading a paperback called “The Flying
Saucers are Real.” It looks like a real book, too, not a
prop.
Anyway, he sees something we don't, grabs the phone and
calls in a report of a monster. “No, I have not been
drinking!” he lies. He says he can't see it now, it must
be behind the hills, “but I'm getting out of here.”
Yes. Yes, you are. But not the way you think.
Back
to our newscaster, who says the survivors of the posse report that
the monster “was many times the size they expected.”
(Um, what size did they expect, exactly?) The newscaster says
this means the creature has some Strange Power of Rapid Growth.
And he's handed a bulletin! The beast has been sighted, he
excitedly tells us, as the (television) camera tracks in on him.
He says it's headed right for town, but the military is on the way,
and citizens should seek shelter.
Betty bursts in on Mixer's
thoughts with this news, but he's staring at the power lines.
Of course! It's so simple! He can power the gun
with the power lines, and Betty's going to help. Just then,
Gramps shows up, yawning like crazy (I'm with ya) and wondering
what's going down here. Betty tells him she and Mixer are going
out, and he should wait for them to return. Harvey B. Dunn
collects his paycheck watching the other two talk back and forth.
And we get a lot of shots of the empty town. Uh,
good.
Betty and Mixer are driving with determination through
the empty streets. Not us, though, we cut back to stately
Gramps manor. Joe pulls up and wonders why Gramps isn't in the
shelter, and where's Betty at. Joe says the monster is
approaching the town.
“Huh? Then that's where they
must've gone—those crazy kids!” Gramps opines.
“Joe!” he yells, using the other guy's name in case we'd
forgotten it, “we've got to try and find them!”
“You
mean they--” Joe begins, but he fails to pick up any exposition
checks. “Come on, let's go!” So, they run off
in Joe's car. And we cut to Betty and Mixer, driving
along.
They spot a very poorly matted gargon, moaning over the
top of a hill. It seems to be floating over stock footage, but,
that can't be right, that's just crazy talk!
Betty and Mixer
pull over. Mixer climbs a utility pole to cut the gun into the
city power. Betty spots a phone and calls the city power, where
she convinces some flunky to send all the power to where they are.
Luckily, this is done with one switch.
Joe and Gramps show up
then. Mixer fixes the weapon to the city power, as
the gargon floats over the hills.
“It is not
enough,” Mixer cries, before becoming more specific: “It
is not enough power!”
But the flunky guy says he'll
boost the generators. Gramps says Mixer “seems to have
some kind of weapon! But it's not doing anything!” So, I
guess it's not a weapon, maybe, Gramps, you old leaper to
conclusions? (Sorry for giving Gramps a hard time
here, he's right you know.)
Well, it's still not enough power,
but the flunky will add more circuits. And this works!
Since the gargon has only an exoskeleton, it just lies down and dies,
but we get the picture. (It's still the darkest thing in the
frame, so it still looks, well, superimposed. But perhaps that
is because of its alien physiology! Yes, that must be it.)
The
gargon defeated, Betty hugs Mixer while Gramps orders up some sauce
you eat lobsters with (sorry, need to work on that joke). Lemon
butter? I honestly can't think of what it is. At any rate, I
guess the military can go home now. Good thing they never showed up
at all.
Betty's pretty pleased, but not so when they hear
an electronic whine. Mixer confirms that this is his race,
coming to the planet, in spaceships. He tells he she should go
with Gramps and Joe, and he must go on alone, to face the fate his
race will deal to him (they might be completely cruel and make him
watch this movie). And, while Betty's heartbreak rages, he goes
off to meet the invaders.
More music from Night plays,
as Mixer drives toward his destiny, hearing voice-overs from Betty
and the Leader, all with various plot-points, instead of eating tasty
turn-overs with luscious cherry filling.
In the Joe
car, Joe the reporter is asking the tough questions that he wants
answers to, but Betty only quietly notes that Mixer came from
somewhere else, “some place none of us has ever heard of
before, Joe.”
Fun fact: did you know in most
movies, when they frame people in the front seat of a car, the
rear-view mirror is removed? That's because it does what it's
doing here: it blocks Betty's face whenever she turns to say
something to Gramps.
She goes on to say this means
another planet, and Gramps accuses her of joking. She denies
this. She notes all the evidence (monster, ray gun, killer from
space) and caps this with the story of the flying saucer.
Joe
says he thought all those folks were just seeing things. Yeah,
like skeletons and giant lobsters. Um hm, Joe, you've got quite
the reporter's crack insight, eh?
Anyway, Betty notes that
Mixer looked into the sky before he left, and somehow, she intuits,
this means he knows that more of his people are on the way.
But
instead of cutting to this exciting scene, we return to Stately
Gramps Manor, because, hell, we've got film-stock to use up and we
paid for it! They note that Gramps' car is back, so,
Mixer must be back at the house. The Hell? Where was he
driving to, then? What th--?
Anyway, yes, Mixer IS back
at the house, and dressed in his space teen suit. Betty calls
out to him. Mixer sloooowly walks up to them and greets them.
He says goodbye to Betty, and she gets a wee bit stressed. He
identifies Joe, and asks for a lift in the Joemobile.
Joe
decides he hasn't had a big actor moment yet, so he says, what if I
say no? Mixer pulls a gun—in fact, THE gun—on him
and says cooperation is the better part of valor, etc. Betty's
a bit nonplussed by this sudden turn, but Mixer orders Joe into the
car.
He asks where Thor is, and Joe says the hospital, so
Mixer wants to go there. Oh, good, I was hoping we could
stretch this out for another frickin' half hour or so. This
movie is just way too short, and there aren't enough details
in each scene.
Betty runs up to the car before it pulls
out (she has suddenly remembered that the disintegrator had to be
hooked up to power lines to, you know, work) but Mixer asks
her, real quiet like, to trust her. And the car pulls
out.
Gramps opines how Mixer seemed like such a nice guy, and
Betty notes that Mixer promised her that he would never leave this
planet. She thinks he's going to keep that promise in the worst
way, and she doesn't want this, but Gramps asks her what she can do
about it.
She thinks he'll end up at the old mine, and she
wants to go there. Gramps says that Mixer has hurt her enough,
but Betty's got a bee in her bonnet and wants to go. Gramps is
no match for her Earth teen powers, so off they go in the other car.
At the hospital, Joe and Mixer chat a bit, then Mixer orders
Joe out of the car, and to walk in front of him. They're about
to go through the door and encounter the world of Earth paperwork,
when the director has a sudden change of heart. It turns out
that Thor was just then being escorted out of the building.
Mixer takes over, orders Joe to disarm the cop escorts, and takes
Thor. The two space teens and Joe get into the car
again.
Mixer orders the cops to face the wall, then he turns
to Thor and says, “I was stupid, Thor, very stupid, but that is
over. We are returning to meet the ships, together.”
“Why
do you let them live. Kill them!” Thor barks.
“There is no need. They will be dead soon enough,
along with everything else on this planet.” He turns to
Joe. “Go!” And the Joemobile moves off to
seal the fate of two worlds.
This has got to be getting over
with soon. Please? We are at 78 minutes. Isn't that
enough? Is there no God?
We see a quick shot of the
cops, cowering against the wall and looking up at the sky.
“Look! That's what he meant!” one of them says, but
of course we don't get to see this “that” at all, we have
to use our imaginations. We cut to Betty and Gramps
driving along. Gramps looks like he took the time to change
into an old t-shirt.
Cut to a conning tower with a
blaring klaxon, then a guy on TV says “Ships of an alien source
are approaching from the sky. Radio contact has been attempted
but cannot be established. Instructions are to prepare for an
attack by an unknown enemy!”
And we cut to some little
kid, looking up into the sky with alarm. Mom and Dad grab her,
and rush her off to safety. Also among those preparing for an
invasion are three old ladies in a window, someone really surprised
doing her gardening, a young couple—are all these lives to be
cut short in an orgy of destruction and terror?
Well,
probably not, but you never know, we may have three or four more
hours to go through here. Cutting to the old mine, Betty and
Gramps have gotten there first. Gramps has his sweater vest
back on. Gramps, seeing nothing around but an old mine, wonders
why they are there, and Betty says “they're coming” but
she goes on to note that Mixer didn't want to go with them, he wanted
to stay here on this pleasant, green world where love thrives and
people use contractions and stuff. He never even got to
stay at that swell swim party, remember.
Just then, the
Joemobile arrives and its crew spills out. Thor is all for
destroying everything, but Mixer says there's no point, as they
“cannot change what is going to happen.”
Betty
asks what this “what” that's going to happen is, and
Mixer says that death comes to all, “sooner to some, later to
others.”
And we see the screw-ship descending.
Thor's itching to go meet the “guide ship” while Betty
starts on about Mixer's promise not to leave the Earth.
“I
have not forgotten it,” he says quietly. He and Thor
leave.
We see the screw-ship landing. “He called
that the guide-ship,” Joe notes, and using his crack reporter
skills, says “It looks like there are a hundred more, still in
the sky.”
“What are they going to do?”
Gramps asks. Well, at the risk of making a really bad joke, I'd
say they're going to screw the Earth! Earth will be so
screwed!
Betty says that the other ships are filled
with gargons. In an interview with newsman Joe, she says that
the gargons are to be raised here, a safe distance from the aliens'
home world, and that no, the aliens don't care about what happens to
the Earth or its denizens.
“Derrick cared,”
Betty says, “he wanted to make the Earth his home. He
promised he would never leave!” She collapses into Joe's
arms. Have we had enough foreshadowing yet about Mixer's
ultimate fate?
Well, we're sure not done with exposition yet.
Mixer explains to Thor how the gun was damaged and doesn't work
anyway. “It is just as well,” Thor, who moments ago
was howling for blood, says. “They will be the first
victims of the gargon herds!”
The screw-ship opens up,
and Leader pops out. He assumes Thor brought Mixer back, and
Thor has to admit that the reverse is the case. Mixer
apologizes for “acting...the way I did.” It's
the first time an actor has apologized for a performance on screen!
He hands the gun to Leader, and says he is ready to take his
punishment.
UberLeader appears at the ship's hatchway.
“There will be no punishment, my son,” he says. He
has the fakest damn beard ever, it looks like a beard of bees, only
dead ones covered in chocolate. He says that he has watched
Mixer's progress and that he, Mixer, has “excelled in all
things.” He notes that he was kind of cheesed a bit when
he heard Mixer ran away, which is why he personally came to Earth.
He says that Mixer's mistakes came about because of “that book”
which I guess means the script. Oh wait, there was a book
earlier in the film, about a thousand years ago.
Mixer asks
pointedly if the government won't collapse because UberLeader is
here, and not there? UberLeader says they'll depart straight
away, as soon as the gargons are unloaded, and no one'll be the
wiser.
“Yes, if your absense were discovered, it
would no doubt spark the beginning of a revolution,” Mixer
notes. He says he wasn't the only one who had the
“book.” (This would seem to indicate, by the way, that Mixer was far from a lone voice decrying the mechanization of his society, but you know, he's a teenager so his rebellion counts the most.)
UberLeader says yep, but he, Mixer, will
help track down the others who have read this dreaded book.
Mixer says, “I see the fleet is approaching—they
are flying from radio signals from the guide-ship, are they not?”
He asks to be the one to guide them in.
Leader's kind of not
sure about this, but UberLeader tells Mixer to go below, and guide
the ships in. Anyone else see where this is
headed?
So Mixer goes below...and closes the hatch behind
him! Why, it's so simple! Joe, Gramps and Betty note his
clever scheme, while UberLeader and the others are like, Hey, let us
in, please?
Mixer picks up the microphone. “Master
control to fleet,” he says. He then orders them to
increase speed and lock onto his signal. Up top, the three
aliens note that this is pretty bad for them, while the three humans
think this is pretty great, except for one thing: Mixer is
still inside the ship! Joe, suddenly practical, hustles the
other two to the cave.
From outside, UberLeader calls, “My
son! Turn the ships around before it is too late!”
“Hold
course steady,” Mixer says. And he gets one soulful close
up, before we cut to stock footage of volcanoes erupting.
Fortunately, the combination of a hundred or so screw-ships
all crashing into the Old Mine isn't enough to bring the cave down on
Betty, Gramps and Joe. And as the smoke clears, the music turns
solemn and yet wistful, as Betty, fighting to hold back her tears,
emerges from the cave mouth.
The others follow, and they look
up into the sky, and the dawn of a new day. Mixer's face
appears superimposed on the clouds. “I shall make the
Earth my home,” he says, “and I shall never, never leave
it.” Then he fades away.
Boy, you know they
cleaned up on Kleenex sales during this scene. Sadder but
wiser, our trio of humans walks off screen, and the words The End
appear in the sky, right where Mixer's face was.
You know, I'd love to be able to say Tom Graeff, who wrote,
produced, directed, edited and filmed this thing, was an undiscovered
talent. So, I will say it: Tom Graeff was an undiscovered
talent.
A talent for what, I'll leave to your own
imagination. He wore many hats, but none of them really seemed
to fit very well. Oh, and he also played the role of Joe.
He certainly had ambition and drive; the fact that he was able to do
all these things for this film, and the film didn’t collapse
into a heap of indulgence, shows that he was working hard to make
something good. He just fell somewhat short of that
goal.
There are some interesting things here and there, but
there is so much padding and awkward dialogue and exposition till
your ears bleed…especially exposition of stuff we just saw
happen. Thor’s ability to bounce back from
the most dreadful mishaps adds tons of unneeded footage.
The plotting is incredibly lazy, what with using old Gramps as a
conduit of information at every turn.
Like so
many of the movies I’ve seen lately, this one also escaped its
ideal running time. It might, might have made an
engaging episode of an hour-long television show.
The Outer Limits, or The Twilight Zone. Stretching the
thin story over the length of a feature film just makes it break and
snap back, sputtering like a dead rubber band.
No doubt
the idea of having the aliens unable to use contractions was supposed
to make them seem more alien, but it just made them seem stiff and
mannered. The idea of a whole civilization deduced from a
single dog-tag is certainly clever, until you wonder why the aliens
didn’t detect any Earth radio transmissions, or see cities or
highways while landing. Of course, perhaps they
weren’t looking; they wanted a gargon farm, and not
interstellar pals. And that spaceship is definitely
unique—it’s quite striking to see it spinning though the
air, then bury itself in the earth. I’m not sure
how practical the design is (it means you couldn’t leave very
quickly, I would think), but it would take a lot of force to dislodge
it.
The skeletonizing effect was pretty well done, effective
and to the point. The gargon, on the other hand, was
pretty bad. The creature was so dark against the film’s
backdrop that even the most naïve film-goer would realize it was
put into the film through rear projection. Admittedly,
Graeff probably didn’t have the budget to do stop-motion or a
traveling matte or even a man in a suit…but there’s a
reason some things should be done, and some things shouldn’t.
If your reach is greater than your grasp, it’s best to realize
it and try something else. The only effective scene with
the gargon was when it killed the Cop King—yes, when it was
off-screen.
As previously noted, you’re
kind of in trouble if the best acting in your film was done by Harvey
B. Dunn. Mixer was kind of stiff, but then, he was
supposed to be an awkward fish out of water, so it’s hard to
say that actor David Love was either good or bad. He’s
never so bad that you blame him for the stiffness of the dialogue,
but he’s never really good enough to rise above it.
Betty did pretty well as a nice wholesome girl, though again nothing
to shout about. Thor has a kind of intensity to his meanness,
which works well, and in her brief scenes Alice certainly came across
as a spoiled slut—if that’s the impression director
Graeff wanted, the actress obliged pretty well. Everyone
else simply didn’t make any impression at all.
The
music will be familiar to anyone who has seen Night of the Living
Dead. Isn't it interesting how music determines so much of a film?
Folks like Bernard Herrmann knew this, as well as the smart directors
who employed him, but it's still startling to realize that, while you
could have a double feature of Voyage
to the Prehistoric Planet and Voyage
to the Planet of the Prehistoric Women, you could not do so with
Teenagers and Night. Even though the first pair repeated
footage and dubbing endlessly, still, one could find room to discuss
theme and variation and detail; with the second two, the similarity
of soundtrack makes them MORE competitive for the audience's
involvement. And let's face it, Night would kick Teenager's
butt in this competition.
So far as I know, this film is Tom
Graeff’s entire legacy, with one exception. That
exception, according to the IMDB, is that he edited The Wizard of
Mars. Watching the endless padding of this film, I would
not have thought editing was Mr. Graeff’s strong suit, but then
again, technically it was pretty well edited. And
from what I’ve read, Wizard of Mars is no great shakes either
in storytelling, or in brevity.
Mr. Graeff shares some traits
with another do-it-all film-maker, Edward D. Wood, Jr.
(Not just Harvey B. Dunn, too.) Like Ed Wood,
Mr. Graeff doesn’t seem to know what to do with dialogue; Mr.
Wood used it for florid explanations of things no one really cared
about, while Mr. Graeff seems to think its function is to tell the
audience what just happened. Mr. Graeff’s efforts,
though, fall far short of Mr. Wood’s sheer brain-twisting way
with words.
Mr. Graeff’s work is more professional
looking than Mr. Wood's and, aside from the gargon effects, he seems
to know where his limitations lie. The spaceship here is
quite imaginative and novel, while Ed Wood famously used paper
plates.
Which brings us to the finish line, then.
Can I recommend this film? Probably not.
Unlike, say, Plan Nine from Outer Space, this film doesn’t have
a lot of unintentional laughs; what we mostly see on screen is
over-earnest storytelling from a man who wants to say something, but
isn’t quite sure what, or how to go about it.
Ultimately, this film seems like the ultimate vanity press. I hope
Tom Graeff liked what he ended up with; it's all anyone will ever
know of him.
So long, Mr. Graeff.
--March 9, 2005