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Pretty scratchy fotage of big ocean waves, we're obviously in a storm as the titles play. John Carradine, sure, Robert Clarke, yeah, Phyllis Coates—hey, wasn't she Lois Lane? And more actors, and stuff. After the “Underwater Photography” credit, “Wardrobe by”is credited to “Kelpsuit”! See, “kelp” is a kind of seaweed, if you didn't know, so that's kind of a little amusing. And the cavern sequences were filmed at Colossal Cave in Tucson. Screenplay by John W. Steiner, hey, didn't he write the script for Night of the Living Dead? No, no, that was John Russo, Russ Streiner was a producer. You can see where I was confused, though. This review will need editing when I'm done with the movie. Though these films don't spare me, why should I spare you? Ha ha, just a joke, you guys know I love you! Unit Manager is also one of the actors. Produced and directed by Jerry Warren! That can't be good.

A narrator tells us the sea is where life began, but the sea life is full of predators, and we see stock footage of octopi and sharks. “Each animal has an effective weapon” and he lists several. The octopus attacks the shark, who responds...this is pretty interesting, I wonder who will win? Oh, the shark swims away...and we see mangled octopus. Gee, I thought the shark would probably eat the octopus? What a waste! “Kill all you want, but eat all you kill!” That would be my motto if I lived in the ocean and breathed through gills.

“Since the beginning of time, the ocean has withheld its secrets...” Blah blah. Hey, now the music is the same stock stuff they used over the opening credits of...Night of the Living Dead! Damn! Talk about your synchronicity. The narrator is telling us that some scientists, using sonar, discovered a “layer, which returned an answer to sound waves. This layer measured over 300 miles, and lay 1500 feet below the surface. It was soon noted that the phantom layer rose to the surface at night, and descended to the deep water during daytime.” (I'm just typing what this guy's sayin'.) “It is composed of living creatures, capable of locomotion, that are strongly repelled by sunlight.” Some science guys think it's a layer of plankton, others, it's a giant layer of fish. But the most compelling theory (according to the narrator) is that it's a layer of squid. “This theory is supported by the fact that squid are tremendously abundant.” Um, okay...I mean, lots of things are “tremendously abundant” (idiots, for example! Thank you, ladies and germs!) and they don't get blamed for weird layers.

“As the sun's rays become weak...” fish turn darker colors. Even deeper, they have bioluminescence. More talk about biolums. And some deep sea lifeforms have large eyes, others have no eyes at all....

Okay, time out, what the hell? Where exactly is this going? We're five and a half minutes into this (seems like a hell of a lot longer) and there's no story!

Going on, they mention the coelocanth. Other stuff. “We are now prepared to invade this black wilderness...” And there's...a chandalier! And the lights go up, we were watching someone's movie the whole time! And that someone appears to be Robert Clarke [actually, it isn't], who hopes that his audience enjoyed the film.

A maid appears and passes out snacks. A guy with an awful bowtie questions a scientist (not RC) about his plans to dive even deeper to see more life forms in the deeps. Bow Tie seems skeptical about the whole point. Non RC wants to go ahead, and points out that the sea could feed the entire world if harvested properly. He then points out that some other guy (friend of his named Wyman) is already diving “somewhere off the eastern keys.” And we leave this party of swells and go to some boat! Man, this movie is all over the place! Stock footage must be cheap, I guess?

A diver breaks the surface and boards the boat. He says the site is perfect, and the unmistakable voice of John Carridine says this is good news. Turns out he's “Wyman.” Okay, maybe that wasn't Robert Clarke earlier, kind of looked like him, but then, lots of folks looked like that, maybe that's how you get work in the pictures. Look like someone, talk without mumbling, you too could have a future in the talkies.

Down below decks, some reporters (including a dame, who will be going down in the diving bell) are arguing about, oh, something important to them, I suppose. They stop while Dame fills us in about how she's going down below in the bell, and the wire services will have her exclusive and all that reporter jargon. Me, I'd like something interesting to happen, monsters, yeah, monsters would be cool. Anything.

Oh my. She bids her fellow arguin' reporters adieu, and takes a picture of the crew next to the bathyscape...which is obviously a balloon. I mean, it sways back and forth in the wind, like nothing does except a balloon.

One of the departing reporters mentions that “Tom” was disappointed that he couldn't come to see her depart. She cooly plucks a ring from her finger and tosses it into the sea. Wow, Tom, you got dissed major, man.

John C gives a pep talk, I wish I could go along with you, you'll be going deeper than anyone else, etc. Our crew of two guys, one gal and Reportette are soon descending. Damn, this is 11 minutes in. Hey, there's a hair on the film! And the guys are acting all worried, and someone in the bell makes an adjustment, and the hair flies off! Man, that was way cool! I think Hair should get best special effect here. It looked planned but Warren isn't that clever or post-modern. Cool hair.

Anyway, they're down 1300 feet. Everything is fine.

The rope unspools some more. “You're almost 1700!”

Then the lights start flickering in the diving bell, and there's rocking. The bathyscape commander says, “I think something's” and I swear, I've rerun this sequence over and over, it sounds like he says “I think something's butt-weight.” Which sounds pretty bad, what with the lights flickering and set rocking. “What's butt-weight?” yells John C (really), but he gets no answer.

Then the crew lose contact with the surface! The cheap dial indicating depth does a little spinning and John C starts yelling some more. Then he looks concerned. He rubs his face. Ooookay, yeah. I guess what happened was bad, I think I got that part.

Cut to a phone ringing, and we're back to the party earlier. Robert Clarke Looking Guy asks to be excused, and picks up the phone. He hands it to Non RC guy, who is shocked by what he hears. Blah blah blah blah. “Your brother's attempt was a complete failure, the bell broke lose at 1700 feet,” he announces with total lack of emotion.

Back to the boat, one of the dull reporters earlier (I think the one who told Reportette about “Tom”) wants to know about the other three aboard the diving bell. “They were brave, brave people” John C says. They basically rehash the obvious, Well it wasn't safe, Yes, it was designed to be, Well, the public won't like you, Yes, I don't care anymore. Add your own icing to taste.

Cut to the bell on the ocean floor, with everyone still alive though unconscious. One guy wakes up, revives the others. Reportette panics, then everyone sits around. They talk about how much air they have, rehash some stuff about working on the bell, then notice that there's light outside (dramatic music). We must be on some kind of shelf! They say this isn't possible, we were below the light level, how did we rise to here? “I don't know!” Hey, suits me too. Same answer for why am I watching this movie!

Speaking of “suits,” they have enough for everyone, and using the miracle of editing, they're all wearing them. They're going to try to get to the surface. Good for you! Man, it hasn't even been 20 minutes into this thing and I just don't care about no promised Petrified World. You want me “petrified”? Tell me this movie is two hours long, you'll see my hair turn gray overnight! (That's a joke.)

So, they're all suited up and going to leave the bell. Which they do, in more stock footage...man, that bell was tiny. And they swim, and stuff, and do more swimming...and some kind of oscilloscope shows a reading about this on board John C's ship. Aboard ship, they talk about how the pressure will kill them, kill them all, I tell you, nya ha ha ha, yawn.

There definitely seems to be some kind of difference between what the bell crew are experiencing (light and good swimming water) and what John C's boat is telling everyone else. Maybe it's because the bell crew are in some kind of Incredible Petrified World!

Sorry. But it could happen!

John C says the bell crew was “crushed, the moment they left the bell. What we see are their bodies drifting in the current” and we then, of course, cut to pretty badly over exposed footage of our bell crew doing just fine, swimming along. Wow, way to just give up all hope and be a total downer, John C! No wonder you never went to many parties. You should pay more attention to the stock footage!

So, the bell crew surfaces...inside an underwater cave! I imagine audiences of the day, like us today in the DVD world, were supposed to have cavalierly disregarded all that stuff in the credits about Colossal Caverns in Tucson, AZ. AZ for Arizona, which is not on any coast. And thus be regaled with a mild surmise, like stout Cortez, standing silent upon a peak in Darien, while we watch the bell crew be all like, okay and stuff, inside an Incredible Petrified World, instead of gloomy John C's prediction of their crushitude. Crushocity. Crushicaciousness.

John C's boat calls for fellow boats to help in the search for the bodies. And we have this talk about how John C's bell was all self-funded. Eats up the running time I guess. I imagine this was important back in the old historical days of drive-in double-features, where they had to time everything to include trailers, a cartoon and that film they played at intermission to make you want to buy food. You wouldn't want the drive-in crowd getting hungry at the wrong time, that would probably really eat into the profits, ha ha.

So, the bell crew have discovered Colossal Caverns...I mean, the Incredible Petrified World beneath the Mysterious Ocean! They talk about climbing out of the IncrediPetriWorld, and how the bell must have “rolled” inside this place...”first thing to do, let's keep our heads” and I don't think anyone could disagree with that. So, let's try that.

The two men dive back to the bell to get, among other things, shoes; because if you're going to be a caveman, be a comfortable one. I don't make any of this stuff up, you know, if I did, I'd be a millionair Hollywood screenwriter and I'd hire someone else to write these things. Maybe “Tom” needs a job, now that Reporette has given him the air! Hey, “Tom,” write the rest of this review!
“Can do, chief, with ink to spare!”
Of course, I can't pay you right now...Tom?
Tom?

Damn it.

So, the guys go back to the bell, and get their shoes, and we watch all this stuff. No cutting or “assumed success” or any of that other stuff that costs money. We paid for all this wetsuit-in-the-bell stuff, and damn we're using it! We even see one guy rub a file against a battery-looking thing, then look at his fingertips to see if he was getting the good battery-filings he was seeking...but he rubs his fingers disappointed-like and goes back to filing. Boy, and I thought Hal P. Warren was, uh, frugal in his film productions. Also, I thought they just wanted their shoes? Finally, they grab a bag of stuff (hope the shoes are in there) and get into more diving footage, and schools of fishes watch. Hopefully this is not a school for film-maker fish.

Back to John C's boat, the radio guy shows up. “Excuse me sir, but I have something I—I believe is important,” he says, knowing this is the only chance he'll ever be on film. “I called to you while I was watching the sonar, but...”

“But?” says John C, recognizing the scent of a fellow ham.

“But you didn't hear me, and I wanted to keep my eyes on the screen.”

“You saw the bodies again?”

“Well sir, I....I don't know exactly WHAT I saw...” Pause. “But I'm sure they weren't dead bodies. I saw two of the same masses move PRACTICALLY as they did before.”

(Quick glance between John C and his Balding Pal as they realize the Significance of It All.)

“How do you know they're the same?”

“Well, the characteristics were identical...and they weren't floating. I'm POSITIVE they were moving under their own power.”

“How long did you have them?” asks Balding Pal.

“Several minutes, sir, they moved along together, then one suddenly changed direction...I lost them suddenly at the same spot as before.”

Balding Pal points out it was probably a large fish or two, and Acting Man begs pardon but says he Knows What Fish Look Like!

More talk, more talk. Nothing really happens due to this interruption. Sorry about the digression, but Radio Guy obviously thought he was cruising for an Oscar and it's a shame history treated him so badly. But he does give a little angry flap of his hat into his palm before he leaves the history of cinema. Great way to go! Bye, Radio Guy, hope history's clutches are more tender for you.

Now, our intrepid bell crew are dressed in their civvies and sitting in the caves. They talk about food. The barbequed fish is okay for now, but what about variety? One guy says he spotted some “planktonic shrimp.” Wow, good eyes, guy! Most folks need a microscope to see plankton. You're really wasted as...um, whatever you were on this trip. You could make money in a sideshow, “Mr. Whatever, the Living Microscope!” Except you'd probably spend your days looking at dust-mites living on some old stained pillow and having to say something nice. I'd find that hard-going, myself.

Much as this movie. The crew decide to call it a day, and I'd do so myself except we're not at the day mark...we're at the freakin' 30 minute mark!

Sure has seemed like a day. Several, in fact.

Well, back to the fray. The two men are still up, discussing stuff. Should we take the diving gear? No, too heavy. What do you think our chances are? “I know you, Craig. You've got an uncanny ability to hide what you feel.” Really? I just thought he couldn't act worth a damn.

Hey, did you know you can pour a bowl of salsa back into the bottle? Sure, you just rotate it slowly as you pour, and you don't spill any of it!

Oh. The movie. Sorry.

Craig seems to think their chances are...non-commital. They talk about the cave, and theory of the cave, and conclude that “only time will tell.” Paul, who isn't Craig, decides to go to sleep and mentions he'll probably “dream about breaking an altitude record in a helium balloon” and Craig and he snort ruefully over that. I think it was supposed to be a joke, because actually they're way under the sea, rather than high in the air, and it's kind of opposite, and...and...no, it isn't funny.

Next day, all four of them are trudging through the tunnels. It's a pretty cool looking cave, after all, so the scenery is quite nice. And more trudging. And then, a giant gila monster! It hisses menacingly at them. Fortunately, they're not in the same movie with it, and after glacing nervously where the director told them, they can just walk away, and they do.

Then, they stop. “I think we've made progress,” Craig says, examining the ground. They've found some water that isn't sea water, so they all drink up. Ah, the exciting drinking scene. Laurie, who looks like Lauren Bacall, asks if they can avoid “psyanopolis” or “tying obvious” or “trying out for this”--I can't tell. I rewound it three times and it still sounds like gibberish. Craig assures her they can rest until she's ready. Oh good.

Reporette gets out a telegram she had apparently taken with her on the boat, and reads it. It's from “Tom” (whose ring she tossed away, remember) and it says...

Damn if I can read it. This is a terrible print, but it was probably never good on day one. It says something like “Can power kill fun? Girl?” Worthy questions, both! But the document ends with “Goodbye, TOM” (the only legible part).

Can power kill fun? Wow, what a question! There's an essay in there if you're clever.

Anyway, she crumples the paper up bitterly. And she tosses it away, littering the cave! Lauren Bacall tsks her, saying it'll be a while before there's any more reading material. “When I want your advice I'll ask for it,” responds Reportette. “Sorry, I didn't realize--” “You don't realize a lot of things—probably never will!”

“I didn't mean to intrude, it was just a friendly joke.”

“Friendly!” Reportette snarls bitterly, “Well, you just listen to me, Miss Innocent! There's nothing friendly between two females! There never was, and there never will be!”

And here I thought I wasn't going to learn anything from this movie.

Anyway, Lauren says she thought they could help each other.

“You don't need any help,” says Reportette, “and neither do I! Not as long as we have two men around us.” Man, this is like a total education in life!

And it's apparently the next day, and we're all back to cave trudging. The crew get to a dead end, and decide to go back, and go through a water pool they passed. And if that doesn't work, they'll talk some more. Oops, I meant to type “walk some more” but the affect is honestly the same. Don't worry, I'm sure we'll see every frame of footage. And we're back to trudging. Then they decide to make camp.

“I sure hope [not Craig] finds plenty of shrimp to eat!” says Craig, taking off his shirt. No shrimp, says Lauren; because of the fresh water, they'll be crawfish. “Just so there's plenty!” Craig enthuses. Reportette complains that they both taste terrible. Man, she's like a reverse Gilligan, or a Doctor Smith. Whine, whine, whine. Craig announces he's going to hunt up some [splice] loogs for the fire. Well, that's what it sounded like! Loogs! Not wood. Not logs. Loogs! Wood would have been odd, don't you think, down in this Incredible Petrified World? I bet that splice was deliberate. Anyway, it leaves Lauren and Reportette alone again.

No, wait, Non-Craig calls out in the distance! He's found a skeleton. “So we're not the first to come here!” Well, yeah, Craig, guess not, but a skeleton is hardly what I would call encouraging news. He's pretty damn dead, so he didn't find a way out. Non-Craig estimates he's been dead 10 or 12 years, though he admits he's not an expert in such thing (I imagine that wouldn't be a very useful expertise to have on a diving bell). He's excited though, since it means this guy came down, there must be a way to go back up! Reportette punctures his balloon by noting, sarcastically, that maybe the guy liked it so much he decided to stay and die here? Oh yeah, that wouldn't make sense, they relutantly agree.

Suddenly Lauren screams! There, ahead in a hole through the rock, is a guy! It's an old bearded guy who looks somewhat bemused at these specimens of modern man. Actually, he looks kinda drunk. His clothes are all tattery and such. They call to him, but he doesn't react. So they climb up to him.

“What do you want?” he asks.

“Why, we don't 'want' anything! Except to get out.” Craig helpfully relates the story of the diving bell, hoping to hypnotise the old guy with dull stories. They introduce themselves.

“I've been here fourteen years,” announces old guy. Man, what a fake beard.

Non-Craig chuckles and admits, “I don't think we want to stay that long! Can you show us the way out?”

“There is no way out,” says old guy.

They all react like they've been told there's no way they're going to get Oscar nominations for their work in this film. Guys, look...the old man here has a long beard, he's wearing rags...did you really think he'd still be here, like this, if he knew a way out? “I say, Jeeves, fetch me my fake beard and my torn clothing, I feel like caving again.” “Very good, sir.”

Anyway, they point out that there's air, it has to come from somewhere. Old guy says it comes from the volcano, about two miles away.

“Would you like to visit my home?” asks old man, and Craig and Non-Craig look at each other and say, “I uh, don't...know” as if they're afraid they won't pass the dress code or something. But they decide to follow old man anyway, to the strains of more music I recognize from Night of the Living Dead. Dunno if I've mentioned it, but Night is a much, much better picture than this one. I recommend it. In fact, if you stop reading now and go rent it, you'll have a better time, guarenteed.

Still here? Ah, well. The old guy's pad isn't too bad, really, he has all the Incredible Petrified comforts of home, including a huge claw from something that Non-Craig can't identify. “I use that to spear fish,” old guy says, and that seems to satisfy them all. They still want to get to that volcano...largely, I suspect, because Jerry Warren bought some volcano stock footage. Anyway, old guy wants to feed them. He goes off to get food, and comes back with some pizza rolls and Cheese Nips, though since he's in an underground cave, he only has the cheddar kind, not the Four Cheese or Reduced Fat or the ones shaped like Spongebob.

...Yes, I was kidding. Don't look at me like that! You're not the one watching this thing, I'm doing you a favor. Well, okay. You try watching this “movie” and you see if you don't have to invent your own entertainment. Mr. Warren doesn't give you any, you know.

Anyway, Mr. Warren decided not to show us the feast, instead, later on, Craig tells the ladies they'd be better off if they stayed here while he and Non-Craig continue on to the volcano. He convinces them, but MAN do they both, simultaneously, give him that female “Hmph!” thing you ladies do so well.

The next shot, Craig's putting on his shirt again. I didn't mention him taking it off earlier because it was dull, and it's still dull, but I decided to mention it now. Non-Craig joins him, they point out that Old Man has been waiting over an hour (!) for them to join him, and they generally rag on him about how he's got Something Planned that Isn't Good, and they Don't Trust Him, and so on. Talk talk talk.

Cut to the women having a “swimming party” which means Lauren is swishing her toes in the water. That's the extent of it. Talk talk talk, more suspicion of the Old Man, why aren't the guys back already, etc. Then we cut, and the gals are in the Old Man's lair, just sorta hanging around. The Old Man, Craig and Non-Craig come back. The volcano was there, but the stock footage was far too expensive after all. So they start talking about how it won't be so bad being in this Incredible Petrified World. Needless to say, everyone is pretty brought down by this, so Craig confesses his love for Lauren. That oughta cheer her up, you know how dames are and all.

Anyway, she confesses same for him, and they kiss, and decide an eternity in the Incredible Petrified World won't be so bad, as long as they have each other. Awww. But then, we see the old man looking at them, and he has this Incredible Maniacal Expression...and we cut to some stone arches. No, really, stone arches, a kind of walkway with trees, looks like a college or a mansion or something...obviously, we're back topside.

Guy We Saw Earlier At That Party gets into his HUGE convertible and drives off, listening to the radio, talking about the tragic diving bell accident. And cut to a model plane, and on that plane is John C! Nice stock shot of the landing gear descending! Well, I enjoyed watching it, myself.

Anyway, he's now walking through some kind of stockyard or something with power pylons and big buildings with stars on them and a run-down bridge, and he's carrying a HUGE briefcase. And he goes into the Marine Institute of California, which is in this low-rent area. And he meets Guy We Saw Earlier (he was at the party with Possibly Robert Clarke, questioning PRC about diving bell safety. If you don't remember him, it isn't a big deal, as I imagine he (the actor) is long dead by now. Guy's going to cancel his diving bell project. John C feels this is his fault for building his own damn bell that got sunk and lost and stuff, and now everyone's saying diving bells are the Old and Busted. Turns out Guy's bell is exactly like John C's, which is why he's down on the project.

John C says, I'll take the bell down myself, to the same spot. Hell, same spot where, for all he knows, all hands were lost? Sound like a plan! Guy buys this plan. Don't get me wrong, there's lots of talking before this decision, I'm sparing you all that. Stock footage as they get the second bell ready to go.

I'd feel sorry for people who saw this when it first came out, but I bet it was great for necking and such at the drive-in. I mean, there's no distracting plot or anything.

Back in the cave! Lauren's doing something with seashells and water, and Reporette takes this to mean (somehow) she's (Reportette) being criticised for not doing her share? Pardon my French, but man, what a bitch. Those damn press people, thinking they are the center of everything!

Now, she's complaining that Craig has a plan. Apparently, the two young men went back to the diving bell to get supplies. Reportette is saying that NO ONE is going to dominate her! NOW we see how power kills fun!

As it turns out, Lauren thinks Reportette is mad because she's not the center of attention. You damn press people! Alla time you press people.

While our two femme heroes are debating this stuff, Old Guy is lurking around. Just lurking, and I guess, soaking up all the gossip. It sure has been a while for him with no TV and stuff, he's probably starved for news of wacky celebrity hi-jinks and things. Now he's got a Reportette to watch! That's like a Celebrity Prime!

Craig and Non-Craig are, in the meantime, bringing stuff up from the bell. Looks like a fake plastic lobster and a trash can lid...good thing they're going for the essentials! It can probably get awfully dull without props to tell the story of the Lobster and the Trash Can. They're going to make one more dive, and Non-Craig is low on air....

Cut to a boat on the surface, and John C looking very determined. “I've found the original bell,” says a voice, “it's a hundred feet below me.” I'm assuming this is the second bell calling, not just some guy on the boat with good eyes. “Wait a minute! Unless I'm crazy, there are two men down here too!” With this spot of good luck, Non-Craig's air gives out and he just stiffens up like a clothing dummy. Not that I'm saying, really. But Craig gets him to the second bell.

“How long has he been out of air?” “Only a few minutes!” “I'll get some coffee!” This works, by the way...I'm not sure I'd yell this out if taking a diving course though, it's only the movies.

Back in the cave, Old Guy advances on Reportette. “I like you better than the others!” he says, while the camera-work and lighting on him is all, He's a Complete Madman. Reportette senses this and plays along with him, though rather condescendingly. Old Guy confesses that he killed the skeleton guy, wants to kill the others, and when Reporette balks at this plan, then wants to kill her, too! Luckily, we hear thunder, and the camera shakes, and Lauren runs back to help Reportette, and Old Guy is buried in rocks after he shouts “The volcano!” so as to let us know what's making all this stuff happen.

Gosh darn those valcanoes, anyway, just when a guy is making progress with his gal and stuff, they gotta go erupting! Take your Freudianisms elsewhere, you damn dirty forces of nature!

Anyway, Lauren and Reporette high-tail it outta there, following EXACTLY the path they took to get there in the first place...and they come upon Craig, unconscious. What? Uh, he was just watching as Non-Craig was revived with coffee! Now he's back in the cave and sleeping on the job! You lazy jerk! The other Craig in the second bell must be a Killer Android! Look out, everyone!

Okay, sorry, no, there's no killer android, too expensive, and too high an excitement level for this movie. By the way, some of the earthquake footage Lauren and Reportette were running away from looked pretty good...so you know it didn't come from this movie.

So, Craig wakes up when the ladies say stuff like “Craig! Are you okay?” Turns out the answer is YES, he is. He gives the ladies aqualungs and the whole place starts blowing up good, blowing up real good. There's fire and lava and stuff, and smoke, and explosions and stuff.

Some of this was helped by (earlier) cutting to a static rock scene, and we in the audience thought, “Bet that place is going to explode!” Well, had we been betting men we'd have won that one, unfortunately we're too timid and self-depreciating to do that, so we lose again, darn the luck. If only I'd had a five dollar bill!

Cut to the interior of the second bell. Craig's jawing into some microphone, saying how glad they are that they're all alive, shame about the old man and such, and Reportette just has that LOOK, you know...she says to Lauren, “I think my whole life is about to change, and I acted pretty terrible back there [I'll say!], do you think you can ever forgive me?”

Lauren says “Course I can, Reportette! I've always wanted our friendship!” and they clink coffee containers and I'm sorry to disappoint you guys out there but they do NOT repeat NOT have a Lesbian love-fest right then and there. So get your minds out of the gutter now, not that there's anything wrong with Lesbianism, no, not at all, didn't mean to make it sound like there was, no, it's just, you know, ha ha, how guys think! Right? Choke!

And above deck on the boat, there's a lot of congratulations going on, with everyone saying, No, no, it was the other guy who was really the best! Some guy I've never seen before in a woolen cap gets the last word, when he says he wants a two-inch steak. Everyone thinks that sounds darn tasty, and they cut to footage of the boat's wake. Then the boat in the middle of the ocean. And oh my God THE END appears on the screen. Whew!

That was just a bit over an hour in length. Sure seemed like an Incredible Petrified Eternity. But I think I figured out the title. The Incredible Petrified World was not that of the caves beneath the sea...no, it was the whole world this movie took place in, a place where nothing ever happened except by the action of the elements, acting upon solid stone, carving drama, a century at a time. Hey, it makes sense to me. Otherwise, I mean, we know what “Incredible” means, as in “the Incredible Hulk” or “it's incredible how I found a five dollar bill!” and there's none of that here. Not even five dollars.

And the way I've generally interpreted “petrified” is “an organic form that has been replaced by stone over the passage of centuries” such as the well-known Petrified Forest. This world was all just limestone caves, stalagtites, etc and the odd stock-footage lizard. “The Undersea World” would have done nicely as a title, except it might make you want to see this, which would definitely be something that would “petrify” me! Ha ha ha. I already used that joke, didn't I?

Was there anything good here? Well, John Carradine is always fun to listen to if nothing else, but man, someone shows up with a checkbook and he's in the movie. He had these long awful stretches of dialogue where it's just dreck, dreck and crap, but delivered in his great voice. So, that's neither good nor bad...though I'd lean in the “bad” direction.

The footage in the cave was pretty good, I mean the actual cave photography, not the dialogue or the acting. But to be honest, I'd rather have seen a documentary on the cave itself. That would have been cool and less, you know, let's stick some fake drama in here, except we don't have any drama to stick!

Should you see it? Oh good Heavens, man, no! Don't watch this, this stuff'll kill you! The only other Jerry Warren movie I've seen was Teenage Zombies, and the only interesting thing in that whole movie was the damage to the film elements, the patterns were interesting to watch. Much, much more so than the film itself. This film had no entertaining damage.

Be ye warned: don't watch this.