You might recall that a couple of years back, I had to watch, like, four "Hercules" films in one go, and despite the fact that they weren't all really Hercules movies (some were "the mighty sons of Hercules"), despite that I say, I still to this day never want to see another Hercules film as long as I live.
Which is unfortunate, because if I want to go through this whole "50 Science Fiction Classics" box, the next item on the list is...well, it isn't Hercules, it's Colossus, but who here wants to bet it isn't going to be the same damn thing? I'm not going to take that bet. Anyway, tonight's feature is, "Colossus and the Amazon Queen." Oh, God, it even sounds like we've already seen it. And I'm betting we have, in one form or another. Maybe it'll have a short running time. Sob. Sob!
Well, two paragraphs in and we haven't even started the movie. Seems like old times, eh?
So. We start out with our credits, to a nice jazzy 60's style musical number (copyright 1964 if I can read my blurry Roman numerals). And our stars are Rod Taylor, Dorian Gray...are they kidding? Really? Wow. Also, some Italians, and "Ed Fury." And then the music goes to old-timey silent comedy piano--what the heck?--and our director credit appears, Vittorio Sala.
And we cut to some bored Roman types blapping on their big horns, and some Romanesque big-wigs announce that the "tournament finals" are to commence. A crowd cheers as some toga'd guys run out onto the arena, while some chaps and chapettes yell "There's Torcus!" and how now things are going to get interesting. Oh good, I was hoping we'd skipped the boring bits.
The Mayor or something talks about how this final contest will determine the winners, but there aren't any losers really because we're all friends and stuff. There's been absolutely no attempt to match the lip movements at all, just thought I should point that out. He seems to indicate that there are going to be a lot of losers out here tonight. I hope he's not looking at me. He goes on and on--obviously a practiced politician--about how the main thing about these contests is sportsmanship, fair play and "courtesy." So we immediately cut to some guy belting another guy in the chops. In fact, the whole field is one big brawl, scored to one of those awesome boogie-woogie numbers. One blonde guy seems to be having an easy time of it. I guess he's our hero, Colossus. Man, nice guitar work, there. And a pretty good drum solo. Finally, Blondie is the last one standing. Some types in the crowd slink off...to collect their winnings, or something? And they pass by a Bruce Campbell type who's wooing the girls with W.C. Fields like stories of beating twenty guys at once. The two guys stop behind him and question each detail, until he finally admits there was only one foe, but he was on a horse. He slinks off, defeated, as they sneer at him, "conscientious objectors!"
To another really nice jazz tune, the big brawl folks are helping each other up off the field of battle, and we cut to a saloon where some big blonde guy (not the same one) who's like a waiter or bouncer is beating up the drunks who are there. Good-naturedly, of course. Actually, he's just making them sit down so he can pour their drinks.
Our two shady guys from earlier (the Insult Boys) find some guy in the saloon that they want to talk to, and they ask if they can join him. They order wine for all of them. I don't know if the guy at the table is Blondie or not, because the lighting is different. I hope it is because the fewer characters, the faster the film. Guy makes it clear that he would be drinking wine but he has no money.
At another table, Glauccus (Blondie) is invited to have a drink. So Mr. Nowine is a new character. Oh well.
Anyway, the Shady Insult Boys want to hire Mr. Nowine to be a watchman for a ship they have loaded with valuable crap. A bassoon creeps in so you know they're up to no good. Mr. Nowine readily takes the offer but the Shady Guys insist that he has to have a second person as well. They want Blondie--who, when we cut to him, is already beating people up to a jazzy beat. The Shady Guys tell Mr. Nowine over the noise that they've already tried to hire him, but he (Blondie) won't consider such a thing. Mr.Nowine notes that this will be hard, but seeing the money offered, he signs on and says he'll get Blondie too. He asks when the departure time is, etc, while the fight erupts around everyone. It looks kind of unsanitary but maybe that's just my 21st century eyes.
The fight continues for a while, as Mr. Nowine counts his coins. Cut to the next day, and Blondie is all tied up with the cargo, and Mr. Nowine's voice tells us, "There you see! All it took was a pat on the head to convince him!" Blondie yawns and looks happy. Then he breaks his ropes and wants to know where he is (onboard a ship) and where they're all going. Mr. Nowine tries to calm the situ, but the Shady Guys want him trussed up so, well, there's another fight scene. Down below, Mr. Nowine uses an axe to punch a hole in the ship, and Blondie leaps down to (naturally) do good and stop the leak. Mr. Nowine sits and eats an apple and Blondie complains that he won't help...is this supposed to be comedy? I haven't cracked a smile yet, though I have cracked a few beers. Maybe that's the secret.
Anyway, Mr. Nowine gets Blondie to agree to accompany them all on the voyage if Mr. Nowine will help him with the leak, and Mr. Nowine agrees, and some flunkies come down with pillows to stop the leak. And so on. On board later, they're playing a game called "Toss The Egyptian" (I'm guessing) in which one of them has a headdress and the others toss him back and forth. Oh what fun, etc. Zzzzz. Sorry!
Blondie and the Egyptian guy talk about being a gentleman, briefly. Apparently, Blondie is unaware that the ship is full of rogues. I imagine. On the masts, some lookouts shout about "a signal" for land, and "all ashore." So everyone leaps overboard and goes to the island they've just found. And they find a huge cache of gold. One of the Shady Guys says that this gold is why Mr. Nowine and Blondie have been brought on board, so they can guard the treasure from pirates. When the two guards look askance at this bit of news, Shady Guy assures them that they will have a share of the gold.
It's mentioned that it is odd that the "primitive people" on this island like cloth and will exchange gold and jewels for it. It does sound a bit shady, since none of the primitive people are in evidence anyway, but Other Shady Guy explains that these simple folk like cloth and don't care for jewels and stuff. Simple, really, when you come down to it. Right? Oh, also the natives left food for everyone, too. And wine.
And, ooh, everyone who drinks the wine collapses! Even Blondie and Mr. Nowine! The Shady Guys chuckle over how they've fooled all the fools who were foolish enough to sign onto the fool's errand of sailing on this fool ship! Fools!
Later, when it's dark, the guy with the Egyptian headdress (he gave his name earlier but I forgot it) sneaks onto the shore and tries to wake up Blondie. He drags him away from the other sleepers, just as a bunch of guys show up on the top of the mountain! Oh man this is intense! Well, no it isn't really but you know, you get what you get. Somehow, despite doing all this in the morning light and the full view of the Mountain Spear Men, Egypt still manages to get Blondie behind a rock so he's safe.
Sure enough, the Mountain Spear Men come down and haul off everyone else, while Blondie is awakened the next morning by a parrot that tells him it is "Shameful! Athletes taking dope these days!" Blondie wonders how the parrot knew all these words. "A man called Freeman, but now he's in jail," the parrot answers, then laughs. Um, okay. There's some coughing from a bush and Blondie leaps in, to find Egyptian hiding. Egyptian spills the beans about everyone else being kidnapped and how it was only quick thinking on his (Egyptian's) part that saved Blondie.
"Now I get it, we were drugged!" Blondie says. "Listen, they've been gone for only a few hours, they can't be very far from here--"
Egyptian shushes him, telling him that everyone is "inside that cave right there." Well, that's convenient, and Blondie thinks so too as he says they ought to go now. Egyptian, who can't stop moaning loudly, advises caution, mentioning, "Watch out, you might bump your head!"
They go into this cave, see that it ends just a few feet inside, but find a secret door. They go into this door. Wow! On the other side, suddenly they're in a valley or a cove or something with a peaceful village and a nice calm lake or bay or something. Blondie thinks this is awesome but Egyptian advises continued caution. Blondie vows that he'll free everyone. Egyptian, after a long moment, says, "...yes." And they move out of frame.
And we see more of life here on this hidden village thing. And yeah, it looks peaceful and whatnot, can we get on with it?
Apparently so, as we see some blonde chick with weird eye makeup run to the bushes ashore, to conceal her nudity or something. No, no, you don't get to see anything other than her interested grin as she watches these fine male specimens saunter around.
She asks Blondie what he's doing here, noting that she'll have him flogged if she likes, and he suggests that she do it herself as he advances on her. She runs off and he follows. Egyptian remains wisely hid.
Blondie goes on and on about how Queen (I'm gonna bet here) is the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, she asks if he was part of the latest "cargo" and stuff like that. She throws a spear at him, which he catches and breaks. Then a rope appears around him. He nods to Egyptian that he should remain hidden, and he then hurls the rope-person--who is a woman--off her horse. He notes how odd it is to see women in uniform, and the rope-gal tells him he is in "the Queendom" of the Amazons. She wants to kill him right now, but Queen intervenes and says she wants to bring him back to the kingdo--um, Queendom. So naturally we cut to some ladies in a swimming hole. Lots of them. They gossip about Blondie.
Then we cut to Mr. Nowine punching some random guy in the head. The door to their cage is opened and Blondie is brought in. Turns out the punching was because Mr. Punched said Blondie sold them out. Mr. Nowine makes Mr. Punched admit that no, Blondie didn't sell them out. Okay then!
Blondie says they shouldn't fight amongst themselves, but try to escape. Mr. Nowine says, yeah sure, which direction? Ha ha ha.
Blondie strides to a barred window and (while a guard is right outside) bends the bars, so they can all escape. The guard takes no notice of this. Sheesh, women, right? Blondie tells the others that yes indeed they are captured by women, and the guys get all excited. Sheesh, guys, right?
Mr. Nowine asks Blondie why anyone would want to escape from women. Uh, because they'll put you to death or something? Maybe? Blondie just says "Ohhhh...." and bends the bars back. And everyone's happy. Mr. Nowine feels confident that "things are going to change." Uh. Yeah.
Mr. Nowine calls out, "Hey cutie!" and when the guard comes over, he asks if he can get a "liberty pass" for tonight. She rams her shield into his face, and the other guys laugh at his subsequent nosebleed. I'd laugh too if I hadn't seen it coming from miles away. Miles away. Apparently, though, this is the funniest thing these guys have seen in a while since they laugh and laugh and laugh.
"Why don't we all try to escape together?" one clown asks, and Mr. Nowine--who has just been shown to be wrong--says that would be too dangerous. "What's your plan?" asks some random guy, and Mr. Nowine says he's still thinking, and some other wag notes that whenever Nowine comes up with a plan, he gets everyone into trouble and Blondie upends a couch to prevent this kind of back-talk. "My friend is thinking," Blondie says. Well I'm glad someone is. Though he looks like he's still nursing his nosebleed, but anyway.
He has a thought, finally, and asks Blondie if he remembers what he said to Achilles before some battle--"Never be afraid of armor, because underneath there's only a man." Nowine points out that under these armor suits are women, and "maybe they're more cruel than men, and more spiteful, but they're women. And everyone knows the Gods created women so they could marry men." Apparently this constitutes a plan of some kind, because Blondie nods in understanding, saying he's got his picked out already.
And we cut to the ladies practicing battle drills to somewhat comical music.
Then we cut a bit too rapidly to some lady saying (I'm gathering) that the men, or maybe just Blondie, should be put to death and that's all there is to it. Counsel for the defense says this first lady is taking it too personally and the first lady retorts almost in tears that she is not, so there.
I have no idea what these women are arguing about. Brunette (the first lady) says that men are terrible and shouldn't be touched. Blonde with Weird Hair says that these particular specimens are too good to be just killed. As the two ladies argue, the spectators move their heads one way, then the other, as if they're at a tennis match. It's a comedy all right, without any of those distracting jokes.
It's put to a vote, and everyone except Brunette wants "the Greek" to live. Well, she's not down with that, so she demands trial by combat. I think I'm going to call her Algorina. Weird Hair wags her head coquettishly and says she doesn't want to fight, but someone in authority deems that it will happen anyway. The Queen leaves, and as she passes one guard, the guard falls in a faint. "Expecting a baby, your majesty," excuses Algorina. The girl is just left there on the floor. The two arguers humph at each other and depart.
The Queen enters her royal chamber, and the Priestess (I'll bet) asks her about her decision, and Queen confirms she's already made it, since her "administration" is almost at an end. They agree that Algorina wouldn't be a good queen. Queen herself is "fed up with being a spinster." Priestess trips over something off-frame. Uh. They both drink some wine and talk about how good it is. They talk about the two arguers. Nothing of much importance is said (I'll bet). They lament the lack of men to love them. "When are we going to have this duel?" "Just make sure that it's not on a hot day." "Is the next full moon all right with you?" "Umm hmm."
Cut to the town square, where folks are milling around, then we cut to three chaps leaning out of windows to clean the carpets. One want to borrow a cup of sugar but the others are all out, and they lament the lack of such things. "I never seem to get my wash as dazzling as yours," says one. Down in the streets, other men trade gossip. It's all very, uh, camp. As we pan across these...very camp fellows, one puts a loaf of bread on the windowsill to cool, and Egyptian comes along and steals it, taking greedy chomps. A bowl of, um, things is put out next and that is similarly taken, much to the puzzlement of the house-husband. But he puts a pie out and pretends to walk away and sees what's happening. He goes out and confronts Egyptian and tells him that he's been stealing food meant for the "commander of the guards." Ooo, that sounds serious.
Egyptian starts talking about how he's a scientist who invents things and, as a crowd gathers, he shows them a telescope he's constructed from a hollow reed and a drop of water (for the lens). Everyone is quite taken with this stuff. Egyptian starts telling his very boring story--he got in trouble for making beer or something like that, thus threatening the winemakers, and your author fell asleep and hit his head on the keyboard and then shouted for the gendarmes. Or something.
Elsewhere, some guys doing the laundry at the river shout in terror that "the women" are coming. Sure enough, there are some horses. And the Amazons ride in. Egyptian is told to hide quickly, and we get some typical sit-com domestic talk between Bread-Guy and the Commander. Bread-Guy talks about "slaving away over a hot stove" and like that. It goes on for quite a bit but if you've ever seen...well, any sit-com, at any time, you know the drill. It goes and keeps going, while we see Egyptian slink (not very well hidden) into a shrub while he, um, ties his shoes I guess. Well that is important to keep one's shoes tied. Ask anyone.
Later, we see all the ship-folk being marched through town at night to, well, storage or something. Some camp guys watch this and note that it's the "new shipment." They smugly tell each other that their own fates are much to be preferred.
And we cut to...The Dance. Damn, every one of these stupid movies has a dance, and this one is no exception. Some oiled up dudes with mops on their heads do a dance routine. And routine is the right word. The audience for this appears to be...the ship folks. Then, due to another splice, women show up, and they start dancing too. It's just as bad and uninteresting.
Watching, Nowine and Blondie seem to think this dance is prior to some mating ritual. And the dance goes on. Nowine and Blondie discuss some more crap. Blondie notes that men are just "useful animals" and Nowine counters that they should keep being useful, then.
And there's more dancing. It's all very sixties-looking, like how hippies dance in movies. Finally, it ends and the men are left in darkness. Then, lady soldiers move in. "Hey, you can't kill us!" one guy protests. "We're the new ones, remember?" I dunno, maybe all that *cough* frenzied dancing has left the women bereft of their senses. Anyway, the guys are all herded. Into the showers. The guys are happy about this, so they rub water on themselves (fully clothed) and generally jest about.
And the next morning, the ship guys are all out in the public square and one girl bangs a gong. Wow! And Queen and Priestess go to the balcony to look over these guys, and they, um, moan with approval. Priestess notes that these guys are so hot because they're war veterans from the Trojan Wars. Queen flusters a bit and all but drools over these folks.
Oh, I guess this is the morning of the big duel between Algorina and Weird Hair. The two rush at each other on horseback, holding lances. Returning to her pit stop, Algorina falls off her horse. Then she gets back on and the rush goes again, and Weird Hair knocks her off her horse. And Weird Hair is the winner. Wow, that whole thing must have taken all of thirty seconds. Not that I'm complaining, mind...
"All right," Algorina says to Weird Hair, "you're the winner. Do what you like with that man."
Weird Hair looks like some particularly juicy ideas have just struck her. She shakes her head as if startled and says, "--I will!"
So Weird Hair walks over to the Greeks and looks them over, and chooses Blondie. "I knew it!" says Blondie, and he jumps down and moves in for the clinch. Queen does a bit of swooning.
Weird Hair smacks Blondie. "Your backhand is almost as powerful as your kisses," Blondie says. Weird Hair is then summoned by the Queen. And the rest of the Amazons saunter over to start divvying up the rest of the Greeks. I wonder if these women are Weird Hair's crew, or just the soldiery in general?
All the Greek guys have several women ogling them, except of course for Nowine, who can't get a date. Even the ugly fat guys are picked. Ha ha ha ha ha sob sob sob sob.
Meanwhile, with the Queen, Queen is disappointed that Weird Hair has obviously decided not to be Queen, since she was smooching with Blondie and the Queen has to be chaste. That means Algorina will probably be queen, and she hates men, so conflict and stuff. Yah boo. Nice nice. Phipps is a German and he have my pen.
Weird Hair insists that one kiss means nothing, and says she can live without men. Queen cautions her about pride and stuff. "When they first elected me Queen, my ambition was to be as cold and remote as Olympus. But then, such satisfaction doesn't always endure." She tells Weird Hair, "no throne can take the place of a man in your life" and gives her three days to decide whether it's to be men or queendom in her future.
Weird Hair promises to make the best choice for the people. Then, when asked how "the kiss affected you" and if it has "a flavor" she finds it hard to describe the sensation. She then leaves and Queen mopes on her throne. "It's no use," she tells herself, "there'll never be anyone who is willing to provide an intelligent description." She reaches for the comfort of wine, and we cut outside.
There, the last of the unpicked Greeks--including Nowine, of course--are trying to find homes for themselves with the thinning crowd of Amazons. Nowine is having no takers, which is funny because...ah...well, it...oh damn. Damn it.
You know, there are times when you're watching a movie and you have to fight and fight against certain thoughts appearing, so that you can keep watching the movie. Most of those thoughts have to do with how the movie you're watching is...lacking. I've been fighting against the realization that this movie is boring beyond belief, and that realization has finally broken through. This is about to get more and more painful. The main problem is that there really isn't anything you can hold onto, and rally around to say, "Well, it may be dull, but at least [aspect that isn't dull]." Nothing!
Sigh. Well, here we go again. Finally, Nowine is the last one there, and he appeals to "Melita" who is one of the two arguers from earlier. Maybe Weird Hair (she has a helmet, so I can't even tell what kind of hair she has anyway.) "Have this delivered," she orders someone, referring to Nowine, but he claims he has good advice if she wants to become queen, so she says she'll "take it with me."
And we cut to a beach, where Algorina is walking along the shoreline with Nowine, so I guess I was wrong a moment ago. She sits on a rock and he makes to sit down next to her and she indicates this Just Isn't Done so he stops. He takes her shoes off. They walk along, talking about things, mostly palace politics. Since I don't recognize any of the names, I don't care--I mean, uh, it's not important. The important bit is that he will turn her into a nice person. I bet.
Egyptian is watching all this. Be still my beating heart. Stop muttering brain.
Algorina implies that after their "honeymoon" Nowine will be killed, and he says it'd be worth it, the old smoothie. She asks him if he'd rather go back to his own country, and he says, "Sure. What do I have to do?"
She says that Nowine has to kidnap "Antiope" who I don't know, but I'm guessing is Weird Hair. If I keep guessing Weird Hair, I'm bound to be right eventually, yes? If I only guess that? Anyway, Algorina tells him she (Weird Hair) has been told by the Queen to pray for three days in the temple, so that would give Nowine time to kidnap her. Nowine says that Algorina should come too, but she's having none of that. She wants to be Queen, and she doesn't want to go Greece, either. She wants to go for a swim, but Nowine grabs her and wants just one kiss. She reluctantly agrees, and we cut to later that night in the city, as various couples go about smooching in doorways to the accompaniment of romantic music. Even the bald guy and the fat guy are getting plenty of action.
The fat guy bears mentioning as he is apparently an old hand at this stuff; he just stands there with his arms in a grasping position, and women come in, smack away and turn aside, and he's ready grasping for the next. It's like watching kids take turns on the slide, really. He really gets a lot of action. Plus running time.
And we cut to Blondie and Nowine walking along and bemoaning (well, Nowine is) their fate that allows them to stroll about with no women. Blondie points out that this is because Algorina and Weird Hair, who have chosen them, want to be Queen so no hanky and no panky. They hide just as some soldiers march around a corner, and we cut to Weird Hair praying in a temple. She prays that she will reign nicely with no sensual distractions. Well, Blondie pops in and asks, "Why do you want to fight against your love?"
She doesn't take that well, wrapping herself in a robe with a hmmph motion. "Evidently, living holds no interest for you any more," she says. Huh? "Or perhaps what you intended was to ruin me!" she accuses. Huh?
Outside, Nowine sneaks around, so's he can do his kidnapping and stuff.
Inside, Weird Hair tells Blondie that any man who enters this particular temple gets burned alive. Oops!
"No, I won't let you," Blondie says. Huh? He goes on to say that he loves her and want to convince her of that. He wants her to run away with him, but she refuses to acknowledge that she loves him too and orders him to leave. He refuses, noting that Algorina has "a plan." Well, this sets Weird Hair off, who notes that everyone has fallen for Algorina's trap. "Including you!" she finishes, pointing at Blondie just so's we all know just who she means by "you."
"Even if that were true," he says, grabbing her and going in for the clinch, "we have no other choice. We must risk it." And they kiss, just as Nowine waltzes in to the temple. He harumphs until they notice him, and he says that there are "some people" collecting outside in the shadows. He says it's a trap and they should all leave.
Weird Hair, though, says she's not going to run away. "That would be an act of treason against my own people. I'm not sure we can escape anyway," she adds. While doing all this talking, by the way, it bears mentioning that all the time she's been talking, she swirls her cape around and prances as if miming something important. "There's only one way out of here," she says, mentioning that this "one way" has been closed for years, but everyone follows behind her as she strides off toward this escape.
She brings them to a door and notes that it's all sealed, so "Samson couldn't budge it" but while she and Nowine do some unimpressive hit-the-fists against the door, Blondie wanders toward a stone tube while saying, "That's what you say...hmm. this oughta do it." He picks up the stone tube and gets some distance, saying, "All it takes is the right touch," and Nowine looks really bored.
As Blondie rushes toward the sealed door, it opens before he gets to it, and a huge cloud of dust, uh, overpowers him. Weird Hair accuses Nowine of allowing Blondie to enter a trap that he (Nowine) knew about...uh, okay...and Nowine says, "But you said it wouldn't open," all innocent like.
Weird Hair is concerned about Blondie's fate. He strides out, crosses his arms, and says, "It's open," all sarcastic like.
"Well, good for you!" says Nowine with enthusiasm. Blondie and Weird Hair go through the door, though they question why Nowine isn't following them. "Well, I'll be knocking at your door one of these days!" he says, before having a hilarious coughing fit (from the dust). "Have some wine ready," he says, before adding, "so long!" And Blondie and Weird Hair disappear into the corridor, no doubt to be captured or something. I mean, didn't Nowine agree to help kidnap Weird Hair? Eh? I admit it was like an eternity ago, but some of you must remember, eh?
Well, if you don't, no matter, because once Weird Hair and Blondie are out of sight, Nowine comically skips back to the main entrance so he can let in the forces of Algorina and (thus) save his own skin. Of course, Algorina is already in the temple and looking for trouble. Nowine hides from her. She finds a necklace that Weird Hair was praying over originally (didn't mention it, sorry about that) and seems to find it more significant than I did.
She hides this necklace in what looks to be an Amazonian trash container with a face. Then she leaves, and Nowine pulls the necklace out of the one trash container and puts it into another trash container (with a different face). He then runs off screen.
And we cut to Algorina leading some Amazonian soldiers into the temple (to comical music). She hup-two-three's them and they complain about this. Man this movie is terrible. But then she points out how sacred stuff was violated and they all (again, reluctantly) giggle off to right wrongs.
And we cut to Blondie and Weird Hair riding a horse away from the corrupt government that is Amazonia, and Algorina orders the soldiers to ride after them. Yawn. Oh sorry, that was me. And when they've all rode off, she goes back to the temple to find what she hid in the trash thing, and Nowine has to hide his giggles behind his hand (and himself behind a column) as Algorina clearly cannot find what she hid there just moments before. She looks up to a bigger statue of some other goddess, and thinks--
But we cut to the exciting chase (to...very odd music) as Weird Hair and Blondie are pursued by horse-bound Amazons. This goes on for a while. And it is definitely strange music. Blondie and Weird Hair hide in a bush and this fools the pursuers.
Remember Queen and Priestess? No, me neither. Anyway, a soldier runs into the Queen's chamber and falls on her face, to deliver the news that the sacred girdle of someone has been stolen, by Weird Hair, but Algorina is on the case! Queen is really annoyed by all this intrigue. "I'm only reporting the facts, it's not up to me to interpret them!" says Random Soldierette.
"In my opinion, this whole situation seems very strange," Queen says, and then another random soldier runs into the scene. She note that the escapees have escaped further, and are heading toward the White Mountain. Queen trusts that the "Goddess of Love" will see to the safety of "all three of them."
"Don't you mean, the two of them?" asks the first random soldier.
"Didn't you tell me there were three?" asks the Queen.
"Yes, certainly," says first random soldier, though she seems hesitant.
Second soldier says, "No no, there were only Weird Hair and Blondie." (I changed the names.)
First random soldier names Nowine as the third miscreant. But Queen says that no one saw Nowine. She then declares that everyone is sleepy and should get to bed. "Tomorrow, with minds refreshed, we can see more clearly." Well, I sure hope so. Sounds like a plan here, anyway. Some Captain of the Guards then tells everyone to "proceed with the search." But I thought everyone was too sleepy! I know I am. Queen definitely is, as she lies down and sighs with the thought of a nice sleep to come. But she reaches down and gets more wine.
Cut to a ship of some kind, looking at the island of the Amazons. "That island is very mysterious!" says the captain, who is then informed that the rudder is out of order. "I've told you time and again not to break that rudder!" the captain yells. But it's so much fun! C'mon. Please? Just a little? They decide to put in to the island for repairs and to get some fresh water "if there is any," someone adds. Spoilsport.
Meanwhile, Weird Hair and Blondie are walking through the forest, and Blondie has blood on his head. He collapses. Weird Hair complains how she's just fine, but after "one bump on the head" Blondie is totally useless. Wow, that's a relationship destined for the ages. She then kisses him while he's unconscious. She also, um, drinks the blood from his wound. Oh yeah. He weakly calls out for water. She runs off to get some. She runs rather a long way, while the camera just stays on her. Then she hears the sounds of hoofbeats, but hides before the searching soldiers can find her.
"They must have gone the other way, turn back! Back the other way!" say the searchers. Well, that's a stroke of luck.
Cut to the New Ship Guys strolling about, looking for water. The Captain is extraordinarily unpleasant. When he mentions that he's never seen this island, his subordinate offers that the wind must have altered their course, and Captain's response is, "Shut up, you!" and a hearty shove. They keep going, and they find the abandoned Blondie. There's a small amount of attempted comedy, but no charges were pressed. They decide to take him and put him on their ship. Weird Hair returns, finds him missing, and theorizes that Algorina must have found him.
Back with Nowine, he's trying to amuse the audience and failing. Algorina is giving him what-for in the verbiage department, and he tells her that he knows about the missing sacred girdle. She threatens to behead him. He tells her that the girdle is safe. She wants to know where. I like cheese. He tries to bargain with her, saying that if she'll let him stay in her house, he'll get her the girdle. She's pretty mad. I think I know where this is heading, though. He threatens to go to the Queen, and she relents a bit. There's more talk. And then some more as well.
But right in the middle of a sentence (sounds like, "Well, would") we cut to Weird Hair leaping through the jungle. Jungle? Look, just go with it, okay? Please? Dear? In the midst of her search, we see a parrot, who says, "All's fair in love and war," reminding me of that other bad movie. Just then, she's caught in a huge net and lowered into a pit--by a man! Eeewww! Turns out the man was the Egyptian--thank God, I thought we were going to get another subplot. This movie doesn't need another subplot. All it really needs are the words, "The End."
Anyway, Egyptian tries to mollify her by saying he's a friend of Blondie, but she's being all hard on him. There's a bit of a jump-cut--thank the Maker!--and we're on about how Blondie won't escape the Amazons, Weird Hair is accused of stealing the girdle, her best bet is to wait with Egyptian, she will never betray her people, women are alike everywhere, he's going to light the fire and reveal some things, and his name is "Sofull." So full...of what? HA HA HA.
He asks her if she ever wonders what happens to the men of Amazonia after they "shall we say," marry the women, "for better, or for worse?" And he sets off this amazing Rube-Goldbergian contraption that...lights the fire in the cave. I ought to point out that he was holding a torch the whole time, and could have just lit the fire with that. However, I'll refrain from pointing that out. This time. Oops.
And we cut to a view of a mountain. This pans down to a group of figures, and we cut to Egyptian and Weird Hair coming out of the cave. He hands her his telescope and tells her to look down at the figures and says that's the "secret of the elders. After a single night of love, all the men end up down there with bears to guard them." And we see some bears. Not really convincing bears, but you know, whatever. "The general idea is keep young Amazons well clear of the perils and pitfalls of falling in love."
"Ah, why didn't they tell us this before," says some random guy working in the pits, "I wish I could work my way out, like I worked my way in." Yeah, tell me about it.
"Silence down there!" yell some Amazon guards up above. "Get to work!"
"Ah, I hope you die an old maid, just like you are today!" yells the random guy, and the other random guys start gossiping and stuff.
Weird Hair doesn't seem to think this is too terrible, but she catches Egyptian eyeing her posterior. She tells him not to get any ideas, and he tells her not to flatter herself.
And we cut to a flock of ladies bringing their jewelry to Nowine. That Nowine! He's always up to something, that old irrepressible scamp! I wonder what his wacky scheme is this time! They actually drag him out of the house and pursue him as he runs away.
And we cut to the palace, where Algorina is asked about Nowine. She dismisses the interest and notes to Queen that a new girdle could be consecrated and then a new queen could be elected. Queen is rather interested in this line of thought. She also points out that it wouldn't be kosher unless the Moon does its thing, and she dismisses Algorina. After she leaves, Priestess says she's never heard anything about this Moon business and Queen admits she just made it up. They drink to that.
Cut to Algorina, moving smartly through the city streets. She runs right into Nowine in the midst of his gaggling crowd, and they scatter while he remains oblivious. He puts his hand behind himself and touches her shoulder, and as he discovers his predicament he runs off to the house. "Wipe that smirk off your face!" he is told. He skedaddles into the house while the carpet is delivered.
Inside, Nowine and Algorina bicker a bit. He tries to be all smoothy and she's not having it, she's all snarly. See, it's like "The Honeymooners" if it was reversed, and also if it was written by people who were morons. It goes on for quite a while. She wants the girdle, and will let him escape with whatever wealth he has managed to amass; he protests that he just wants to stay with her, his true love (i.e., he wants a better price). He also says she's jealous, which is apparently a forbidden word and gets the reaction you'd expect. She pretty much says that if he can't come up with the girdle by the next Moon, he's toast. And not in the good sense, either. And she storms off.
In the background, I should note, the carpet was delivered and put in the corner. It was rather "un-round" so I suspect there is someone hiding inside it. Before that person is unraveled, Nowine takes the time to admire himself in a mirror.
Turns out, yes, there was someone in the carpet. It's the Egyptian. He tells Nowine that Algorina is running out of patience. I'll skip the comedy bits. He tells the story of himself and Weird Hair and Blondie in telegraph fashion--you know, with "Stop!" after every phrase. Ha ha ha, oh GOD I wish I was dead right now. Just kidding. Also, kidding about the kidding.
Nowine finally unwraps him. Egyptian says that if Nowine will give Weird Hair the girdle, she can return it and be proclaimed Queen. Nowine will have none of that, though, because...um, the script says so. Egyptian points out that allowing Weird Hair to be the new queen would be all moral and stuff, and Nowine asks what morality has to do with himself. Just then, some customers arrive for Nowine. He quickly shushes Egyptian and tries to wrap him back up in his carpet. Two Amazons leap through the window just in time, and ask if he approves of their hair-dos. He does, though not of their jewelry, which he quickly relieves them of. Relieves it off them. Uh, takes it from them. Whatever. WHATEVER!
And we cut to a saloon, where Blondie is telling Captain that the Amazon island is the "treasure trove" of the earth. He mentions the diamonds and rubies and stuff. "How do you know they weren't synthetic?" asks a wag who is shoved away by Captain. "You could all be rich but you don't believe me," complains Blondie.
"It's not that we don't believe you," says Captain, "it's just that we feel uneasy!" He mentions that he thinks Blondie is suffering from his bump on the head, which is making him delusional. Blondie mentions that there's a woman who needs rescuing, how about that, then? No one is all that interested in rescuing this dame. In fact, Captain makes a joke, and Blondie wanders off to take a dirty swig from an old brown jug. Not before a VHS tape artifact swaths the screen for a moment, though.
As Blondie downs the old alky, Captain comes up and says he knows where Blondie can get a dozen guys and a ship if he wants to go off on this rescuin' stuff. He tells Blondie that he'll have to help get some oarsmen. Blondie nods like "No problem" and he goes up to a roofing timber and tears it out. The saloon collapses. Uh...okay. Apparently, everyone who was knocked unconscious is a good oarsman. Captain laughs at this cleverness. I do too.
And we cut to the guys being oarsmen while the mean man pounds the drum. You know what I mean.
On deck, Captain asks where the treasure is...uh, on the island, remember? And Blondie says, "I'll show you when we get there." "Why can't you tell me now?" asks Captain. "I don't want to run any risks," says Blondie. "Guys, please try and keep me awake," says your reviewer. Hey, that's me! Anyway, it turns out that Blondie doesn't totally trust Captain.
Well, enough of that, we cut back to Amazonia, and there's a huge girl-fight in the streets! The soldiers, clad in their body-stocking armor, are tearing off the baubles on the red-skirted citizenry! In Algorina's house, Nowine and the Egyptian note how they should get while the getting is good. They...say a few things to each other. Um. Well, they need to escape, that's clear.
On the shore, Algorina is expecting discipline from some "very young" (her words) recruits. She wants them to be loyal and worthy and that sort of thing, and they then march off camera.
On Captain's ship, some random crew-doofs say they don't trust Blondie. And right on cue, we see Blondie, Captain and some flunkies on the shore of Amazonia. Blondie says he should go on alone. If he's not back in "three days" well, then, they can improvise. Some flunky thinks this is right, but Captain shoves him away. "You wouldn't be trying to pull a fast one on us, would you?" Captain asks. He is told to "stop worrying," because "we'll all be swimming in gold." And Blondie moves ahead. When he's a few yards ahead, Captain signals his hidden men to come along. Some flunky laughs at this until threatened.
In the jungle, Blondie walks along until some spears pop into trees and he is persuaded to stop a moment. A whole bunch of Amazons then appear, and he laughs.
Elsewhere in the jungle, Weird Hair and Egyptian are running along. She tells him that the drums they now hear mean that Blondie has been captured and Algorina is going to take him to prison. Having explained crap to the audience, they move on.
Blondie is told to come quietly, but he decides to battle the group of giggling gals, using their own gams as weapons! They pile on him, though, and stifle him.
Weird Hair and Egyptian are going to his rescue, but Egyptian urges caution. When Weird Hair doesn't heed him, he unleashes his...boomerang. Shut up, just shut up! Shut up! He unleashes his boomerang! And it goes right past Weird Hair and BONKS Blondie, who had just thrown off all of the giggling Amazons. Well...way to go, Egyptian.
Weird Hair goes to Blondie to see if he is all right, and Algorina shows up and arrests the both of them. Egyptian looks suitably abashed, but like that's going to help at all. Algorina has them all arrested.
And we cut to the trial the next day, wherein Weird Hair is accused of abandoning her post and stuff, thus allowing the sacred girdle to be stolen. So she's sentenced to some kind of trial in the temple, wherein if the girdle isn't found, she and Blondie will be burnt at the stake. Blimey, I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!
You know, I wonder who invented Doritos. They are an awesome snack. I hope whoever invented them got an award or a raise or something. Just think, if he'd (I assume he, sorry ladies) been encouraged to do more corn-work, maybe we'd have snacks unimaginable a century ago, when snacks were pretty much anything unusable that could be chewed.
--what? The movie? Really? Well, if you insist. While Priestess goes on and on about how Blondie has violated all these laws, and the goddesses need to be appeased and all that, Nowine and Egyptian sneak into the hall. To do what, I'm not sure, as we just cut away to the next morning. Everyone who is anyone is waiting in the area outside the arena for something interesting to happen. Me too. Ow, ow! Stop that!
They've already decided that Blondie is to be burnt at the stake, because he's tied up on one and some sheaves are being heaped around him. And a lady bangs on a gong. We see that Nowine and Egyptian are part of the crowd, or I guess they were captured, or some damn thing. A guard goes up to finish Blondie's bonds and she tells him to "be ready for anything--your friends haven't forgotten you." "And what can they do?" he asks. Oh, now that's just cynical, Mr. Doom 'n' Gloom.
Algorina gives a significant look to the Queen, who gives a significant look to the Gong Girl, who bangs the gong. Weird Hair throws off her robe and is greeted by lots of cheers, which I bet wasn't in anyone's plan. As a matter of fact, it looks like everyone is on Weird Hair's side. "It was you who told her!" Nowine chides Egyptian, accompanied by a cuff to the head.
I think Egyptian says that it was a good thing he told her, and Nowine says that this means that he (Nowine) will also be burnt at the stake. Well, I would shed no tears, myself. If they put a print of this movie on the pile, I'll join the cheering.
And we cut to the cheering crowd. Weird Hair strides across the arena floor to the Queen, who tells her that she's innocent and fit to be the new queen. She's to decide what's to become of Blondie, and she says that he should be set free. He is released. She tells him that he should go back to where he came from and forget her. Algorina watches with a sour expression.
And we cut to later that night, as some guards patrol the temple. We pan down to see the Captain and his Pirate folk skulking about. 1st Guy complains about how high the walls are. Captain responds, "What do you think we brought these ropes for, so you could skip rope with them?" which would be kind of funny if I wasn't in such a bad mood and all.
"You, there! And you, there!" are his orders as he points. One of the guys climb a tree that's right along the wall, and goes all the way to the top. Well, that wasn't forward thinking on the part of the Amazons, was it. Once up at the top, he tosses the rope down to his pals, and they...pull the tree down toward them. Then, to surf-guitar music, they release the rope and the guy is flung inside the temple, where he lands in a heap in front of the guards, who squeal and run away. What? Really?
Apparently there were more guys in trees, because more of them are rubber-banded into the temple. The women all start yelling "to arms!" but the pirates, who have no weapons, seem more than a match to the spear-wielding Amazons. Tons more Amazons and pirates enter the fray. Oh, it turns out the pirates have swords, so there's that. Aren't you glad?
The panic spreads to the royal chambers, where Queen and Weird Hair go out to see what's up with all the high-pitched yelling. Blondie goes to follow, but Nowine grabs him by the arm and tells him to come with him. "I'm not running away!" Blondie avers, but Nowine will not be told no.
Soon there's a big Amazon-pirate fight, and braziers full of fire fall over and everything. Pirates (apparently there's an endless supply of them) continue to be rubber-banded in, which is kind of funny because they are flung over thirty foot walls and land on the hard ground; regular people would, at best, have some broken bones when they hit, but these guys just get up and start swinging. The Amazons definitely seem to be getting the worst of it.
The gates are open, and even more pirate hordes rush in. Meanwhile, Blondie, Egyptian and Nowine are looking over the valley where the men are slaving away at whatever they're slaving away at. Nowine's plan is to set the men free, give them weapons and let them defeat the pirates. Egyptian asks about the bears, and Nowine says Blondie will take care of them. "Thank you very much," Blondie says without a lot of enthusiasm. I think he's being sarcastic.
Meanwhile, back at the castle, apparently the Amazons have turned the tides and the pirates have been thrust out, at least according to a bit of dialogue from 1st Guy. Captain thinks the horses will make a difference, so they charge in and...start hollering like Indians in an old western...and now we can see that the Amazons have placed their, um, covered wagons in a circle... Okay, I get where this is supposed to be funny and stuff. I just wish it, you know, was.
Of course, it turns out that horses are just as vulnerable to arrows as men are...but the Amazons left their sacred braziers burning, and the pirates make some flaming torches and throw them at the wagons, which of course are soon flaming. Gads, these people are stupid. We get a couple of shots of arrows barely missing the parrot briefly mentioned a while ago. Oh, that's so helpful.
Back at the Valley of Used Men, Blondie goes to wrassle with the bears and (haven't seen it yet, but I'm predicting) kills them all. There's a bit of banter between Nowine and Egyptian about how Blondie should "use his left" and "don't get so excited." "When you've finished with that one," Nowine tells Blondie, "there's another one over here!"
The other guys that Nowine and Company have gathered together--I guess these are the rescued dudes from the Valley of Used Men--all rush...to where the bear used to be a barrier. Or maybe a bearier! Ha ha ha. Oh man. They go for the horses. "Take the horses and let's go rescue the girls! Follow me, come on!" yells Nowine.
Speaking of the girls, they're doing pretty well against the pirates, though the obvious repeated footage doesn't make a lot of impact. Algorina tells some blonde lady to come out from under the wagon and help out. "I'm afraid!" says the blonde. "You're disgracing yourself! Act like a woman!" says Algorina. "That's just what I'm doing," protests the blonde.
After a quick cut to the Used Men riding to the rescue, we're back with the Amazons. Algorina is told they can't hold out much longer, to which Algorina replies with contempt. Just then Weird Hair points out as the Used Men ride in, and Algorina, all happy says, "It's the cavalry to the rescue!" Would you guys stop doing that?
The Used Guys ride in, to rather swingin' music, and...the pirates ride out. Wow, that was easy. Spineless pirates! Let's hope they were moiderized off-screen in various colorful ways.
And we cut to a nice peaceful riverside scene. In the distance, a bunch of giggly women run around. And then we cut to Blondie and Weird Hair kissing. As more giggling women run around, we pan over to Nowine and Algorina by a waterfall. "You're beautiful. You're a woman!" says Nowine. "You were made to be loved!"
"Yes!" Algorina agrees.
"You were made to be kissed!" Nowine goes on, and you'll never guess what happens. They kiss! The music swells (in a good way, I hope). Nowine, done kissing, does a sort of "YES!" thing and says, "This is the war I prefer to fight!" And there's more kissing betwixt them.
Then, we cut to Priestess trying to snare Egyptian as a boyfriend. She promises him everything she owns. Gold, diamonds, jewels, etc, each is greeted with a "No!" The idea of "lots of babies" isn't received any better. "Don't I have any appeal for you?" she asks, and she gets another "No!" as he runs off. He runs straight into a crowd of gigglers, who...I dunno, save him for Priestess or something. We cut away back to the village square where we see that the women are all swooning over the men, who are pretty much in charge now.
One gal says to one guy that what they (women) "need most is affection, and true comprehension, to be comforted." He leans in and kisses her on the cheek. "Oh for heaven's sake," she says, "don't you think of anything else?" She ends that sentence with a giggle, however, then grabs his arm and pulls him away for more, you know, affection, true comprehension and comfort. As they run off, some guys on horseback ride in, with, um, tree branches or something.
And on the palace steps, Nowine, Algorina, Blondie, Weird Hair and Egyptian are all standing. "Well, this is where we say goodbye," says Blondie, but don't worry, he's not talking about him and Nowine leaving the gals high and dry! No, he's talking to Egyptian, who prefers to wander and is afraid of Priestess. And as Egyptian prates on about how he wouldn't mind marrying the Queen, he really prefers being single so he's outta here. Of course, Queen and Priestess come up behind them at this point.
Nowine kisses Egyptian on the forehead, but when Egyptian tries to return the favor, Nowine says, "Oh, no no no! I might break down."
Egyptian accepts this and bows his goodbyes to Queen and Priestess, so any kind of "sneaking away" I thought was going to happen obviously aint. Score one against me, I guess.
Priestess calls him by name, and he yells, "Let me out of here!" and runs away to the waiting chariot. He waves goodbye and the others do too, even Nowine who is heavily engrossed in kissing Algorina.
"If they keep that kiss much longer," says one of the palace attendants, "I really believe they'll both suffocate!"
Another attendant says, "Oh, my dear priestess, if only I had the opportunity, I wouldn't mind it!"
And we cut to Blondie and Weird Hair kissing up a storm as well. Shouldn't we get a damn THE END by now?
"More than anything," says the Queen, "I still wish that someone could describe a kiss to me!"
And Egyptian's chariot rides off. The end. The end! C'mon damn it. And the chariot rides through a wide shot of dozens of happy couples.
"Well," says the Queen, "the queen shall have a king!"
"And high time, too!" says Priestess. "Let's go and change the constitution!"
And she and the Queen turn to go indoors to do just that. Not before Priestess trips a little bit. I guess it was supposed to be funny.
And we cut to the parrot. Who says THE END. (I'm hoping.) Actually, he says, "Hooray for women! Hooray for men! Hooray for...good night, all..." And yes, to a really brief fanfare (about five notes) we finally get "THE END." Hooray for the end!
I suppose it's a bit churlish to
complain that no one in the film was called "Colossus," am I right about
that? Blondie's real name was "Glauccus" if I heard the dubbing
correctly. Yes, it is churlish, considering the other complaints that
could be leveled against this thing. To be fair, it wasn't as excruciating
as the other Hercules films. It kept going along, except for some
dull stretches, and it at least tried to be funny. The fact that it failed
shouldn't be held against it too harshly. Rod Taylor, as Nowine,
camped it up a bit too much but he wasn't boring. The Egyptian guy was an
interesting touch, too, though one wishes he was a bit more useful to the
Should you watch it? Now, don't be fooled by all the nice things I just said, because I'd have to put this one in the "No" column. Of course, some of my negative view of this might be residual scorn left over from those other Hercules movies. On the other hand, I just watched the stupid thing, so I'm entitled to listen to what my eyes tell me. Overall, while this wasn't the worst of the Hercules films, it doesn't do much to distinguish itself in the "Good" column, so my ultimate judgment would have to be that if you HAD to have the TV on, and every other channel was broken, this won't make you want to kill yourself. It won't really make you want to pay attention though, either. And life won't seem any better while it's playing, and once it's done you'll have the memory of having seen it. Make of that what you will!