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All right then,
tonight’s feature is called “Planet Outlaws” and it has Buster Crabbe in it, so
I bet it has been cobbled together from Buck Rogers TV episodes, much like those
Rocky Jones things we watched a while back. So be it!
And we get some nice
background art and dramatic music and sure enough, we’re told this is “Revised
version based on cartoon strip ‘Buck Rogers’ by Harry Jaques Revier." Then we get a credit for
“Narrative” (Helen Leighton), “Compiled by” (Renault Revier and Joseph Sorbera)
“Story and Screenplay” (Norman S. Hall and Ray Trampe). So lots of folks labored over this so we
can make fun of it, never lose sight of that fact!
And the film proper
opens with a headline, “Jets Chase D.C. Sky Ghosts” which sounds more awesome
than the subtitle, “Senate Probers Sift City Funds” but that’s journalism for
you, yes? The next headline is
“Jets to Shoot Down Saucer,” then “Jets to Hunt Sky Saucers” which you would
think would be necessary to do first if they were to shoot them down
afterwards.
Fade to black, but not to actual movie. We get a “Foreword” which is read out
loud to us. “From somewhere in the
skies above us have come, from time to time, flaming discs and [other] weird
phenomena. What are they? Whence have they come? Dr. Maurice [A.] Biot, one of the
leading aerodynamists in the world, stated that in his opinion they have
originated elsewhere than the earth, and that they are artificially
controlled.”
Finally, we cut to actual movie footage as we see our
previous narrator speaking into his ham radio kit. “Yes, they could be craft from another
planet, or a development of enemy power.”
He blathers on. We see stock
footage of politicians arguing and looking concerned and stuff. The radio man says we shouldn’t dismiss
this as science fiction, because Jules Verne once wrote about exploring the
ocean, and now we have submarines, so anyone who writes anything might be
totally on the level.
Mr. Radio talks about flying machines and atomic bombs as well,
and how we have all those things now that were once fictional dreams. He turns his attention to space travel
and how that will be common someday.
Enough of that, we tune in as a zeppelin is flying over some
frozen landscape. Inside, a guy is
shouting to “Buddy” how they’re going to crash, and Buddy duly relates this over
the radio to a group of concerned men elsewhere. He also names the yelling person as
“Buck” so there we are. And the
miniature—I mean, the zeppelin—crashes on the snowy mountain landscape. It’s quickly buried under an
avalanche.
The narrator
notes how “centuries later” men from “a scouting ship” discover the wrecked
zeppelin and the two folks on board, who were “in a perfect state of
preservation” so that’s good then.
Both these scouts are dressed pretty futuristically, and they have ray
guns as well. One scout notes how
one of the bodies is pretty warm to the touch, and the other says, “Let’s get
them out of here, this gas is making me drowsy.” Hey, that’s my
line!
Fade to a quick shot of a futuristic vehicle speeding along—a very
quick shot—then inside, Buddy wonders to Buck “how fast” they’re going. Well, too fast for me—I’d have liked to
see the ship a bit longer.
The scout guys report to the base that they’re approaching the
city, and they’ve got two “prisoners” that they found in a dirigible. The radio voice informs them that this
is impossible, as dirigibles are so old school they totally can’t be here in the
future. Scout guy notes how
the prisoners were in a state of suspended animation. They are ordered to bring those folks
directly to the radio voice. And we
get a better look at the flying ship.
It’s pretty cool.
The ship lands in some rather forbidding looking
rocky, mountainous area. Inside
some future place, Buddy and Buck are brought to some lab, where some old guy
looks them over. He gives some
orders to a “Lieutenant Deering” who is a woman, and I remember that name. I think she’s the love interest. We’ll see.
Buck mentions that they were
going around the world in 1938, and Old Guy says “Impossible!” and goes to look
this up in his giant volume of facts.
He asks their names and discerns that this may indeed be some kind of
suspended animation thing. He
tells them (and us) that they’ve awakened 500 years in the future. Everyone gets a chance to remark, via
various remarks, about how remarkable this is.
Just then, Lt. Deering
pipes up to note that “Killer Kane” (boy, he sounds like trouble!) has
captured “another one of our satellites!” and everyone rushes off to look at
this hooliganism. Old Guy turns on
a screen which shows a pretty impressive futuristic city, then it shows Killer
Kane
He looks kind of like some mean Mexican guy. He has a mustache and a lot of barely
kempt hair. He’s interrogating some
guy he’s probably captured from a satellite. “You may save yourself considerable
discomfort,” he says, “by telling me where to find the entrance to the hidden
city.” I almost expect him to pop
on a large hat and say he needs no “steenkin badges.”
”I do not remember,” says Mr.
”I think I know a way to make you
remember,” Kane says, then he rises and gestures for his thugs to bring Mr.
Satellite Man along. We watch
on the viewscreen as Killer Kane activates his own viewscreen—making this
metatextual—and Killer Kane shows Mr. Satellite Man a view of some guys
loading stuff into places. Killer
Kane mentions that these folks were all pilots once, “now they are living
robots.” He goes on to
note that wearing a robot helmet will make Mr. Satellite Man a robot too, so
he’d better remember where that entrance is. But Mr. Satellite Man is made of sterner
stuff, and he repeats his memory-loss excuse. Then the signal fades.
Buck avers
how he doesn’t understand. “Who is
this man called Killer Kane?”
”He is the result of the stupidity of the
men of your century,” Old Man says.
“You failed to stamp out lawlessness, and in the end, the criminal became
stronger than the law. Racketeers,
you called them. Today, they rule
the world as cruelly as they ruled their gangs in your day.”
Buck and Old Guy talk about what
might help in this situation, and Old Guy mentions how another planet’s people
might help, but no one can slip through Kane’s net to go to this other planet
and then find this possible help.
Buck is impressed that the technology is there anyway. We cut quickly to Buck explaining to the
Big Boss that they could send up a “radio controlled” plane, and Kane would
follow that plane, and Buck could slip through and go to Saturn. Big Boss is less than impressed, noting
how they’ve already lost some ships.
Old Guy says this is the last hope, so Big Boss capitulates and
assigns Lt. Deering to accompany Buck and try to talk to the Saturn people. And everyone is dismissed.
And the mountain side opens, and
the radio ship pops out and flies up, and the Kane guys follow it. So, does this mean they actually know
where the hidden city is hidden? I
mean, they were right there and everything. And then Buck and
Company follow after at a discrete distance and are able to escape from the Kane
patrols.
The Kane boys kill
the radio ship, and Buck pronounces that that should be the end of their
troubles. He says that Wilma (Lt.
Deering) can take a nap, and she goes off to do so. Buck takes the controls. Soon they get to Saturn. Buck notes how the atmosphere is totally
thick here, but look out, someone shoots at them!
Wilma pops up then
wanting to know what is going on.
Turns out some of Kane’s boys followed them and they are the ones doing
the shooting. We listen in as
Kane’s boys note how they should slow down, as no one would dare just fly right
into Saturn’s thick clouds.
But Buck’s ship gets shot, right in the engine! So they start going down! The ship is falling apart, but they all
get into the lower part and jump off the ship, and this works, believe it or
not! The ship crashes and explodes,
but the three land with their invisible parachutes. It is noted how the place looks
desolate.
Above, Kane’s
boys decide to land so they can keep being mean, while Lt. Deering (Wilma) calls
Earth to ask for some help. She
reports how they’re all okay, but we see Kane’s boys landing their ships just
fine, despite all the thickness noted earlier. So are all of the Kane people always
kidding about everything? Sheesh,
what cards. Anyway, Wilma spots
them sneaking around, and she very cleverly tells Buck without reacting in a
panic or anything. I bet they come
up with a clever plan!
Well, whatever plan Wilma and Buck came up with
didn’t work, since all three are soon captured. They’re led back to the Kane
spaceship. Unless it was a
clever ruse. Which it might have
been, but just when everyone is aboard the Kane ship, some strange folk show up
and demand that weapons be dropped.
Weapons are dropped.
These new people have an Asian leader, and
followers who wear masks. The
leader asks if they’re from Earth, and Buck says yes. Mr. Asian says explanations are useless,
so he brings Buck, Buddy and Wilma and the Kane Boys to see the king of
Saturn. This is sure getting
complicated! And we need more
action, please. Thanks in
advance!
The king of Saturn wants some explanations and he wants them
right away. Both Buck and the Chief
Kane Guy move forward, but Buck glares at the Kane Guy and he shuts up. Buck mentions how they came here as
“envoys, seeking an alliance with Saturn.”
King of Saturn asks why, and
Buck busts out the whole “repressed by Killer Kane” thing, but Chief Kane Guy
says that just isn’t so, that Kane is liked by everyone, a lot, and only a “few
revolutionaries” say different. The
word “revolutionaries” sets up a stir among the Saturn folks, I’m here to tell
you.
The Saturn King says he should throw them all into prison, because
the Saturn people think peace is awesome and should be what rules everything,
and all these new folks are obviously into rowdyism. Chief Kane Guy says, if you hate rebels,
why not join with us because we hate rebels too! Well, Buck thinks this is just awful all
around. So when he gets the opp, he
grabs a gun and threatens the leaders (and everyone) while advising Buddy and
Wilma to escape. “Seize him!”
shouts the King.
Buck, Budd and Wilma run away and get into a future
tram, which takes them to where they can escape some more. They get to an open area where the Kane
ships are parked, and they grab one of them and take off. Some bad guys shoot at them, but
it doesn’t matter and they’re heading back to Earth, which we soon see as a
globe.
Well…way to go,
Buck. Rather than reason that the
rebels were on the right side, you pissed off the Saturn council of wise guys
and now they’re on Kane’s side. I
hope you’re not putting this into your “Triumphs” column.
On Earth, Old Guy and Big Boss
note that the returning ship is one of Killer Kane’s models. They’re concerned about this. So they go to call the ship to see if it
is full of nice folk or nasty people.
They send a “Hello” type message.
But onboard the Kane Kruiser,
Wilma says it’s not necessary to call anyone because she knows the secret
entrance, so they’ll just go there and everything will be okay. Uh…this doesn’t sound smart. Don’t start penciling in your “Triumphs”
column either, Wilma. Unless you
have an eraser.
Sure
enough, Big Boss says the only explanation is that Wilma and Buck (and Buddy!)
must have betrayed them all. So the
signal is sent to open the gates, but as soon as Buck and Company are almost
inside, the Instant Close signal is sent, and the Kane ship is crushed between
the gates! Oh no! Oh dear! Aaaaaa! Will Buck and Company
survive? We’re just 21 minutes in
so I don’t think we’re done! Except
for tonight! We’re done for
now! Later, then! How long is this feature? Oh dear!
Well, it turns out that
aside from having crap dropped on them, Buck and Company are A-OK if not any
wiser. They struggle out of the
debris while Big Boss and Old Guy maintain alertness and…other things they
mutter. (I’m sure we’ll find
out.)
Buck, Buddy and Wilma leave the ship, and, uh, offscreen somehow,
guards capture them and bring them to Old Guy and Big Boss, who accept all the
explanations without any reservation.
Whew! They go to discuss the
Saturn foul-up, though Buck says the Saturn people “turned against” them and
generally, tries to put the best face on the mess.
Meanwhile, on Saturn,
the Wise Guys say that tyranny has to be opposed like crazy, so they’re going to
sign a treaty with a guy named Killer Kane, though they are going to send the
Japanese guy to Earth to make sure all the facts are actual facts and not made
up ones. If it’s all on the up and
up, Saturn will abide by the treaty.
And it’s all based on Japanese guy’s word. Was this made before or after WWII? (That might be a factor.)
So,
Captain Japanese and Chief Kane Guy prepare to leave for Earth and Chief
Kane Guy says he’s full of thanks and stuff. And they go to Earth so as to complicate
the plot. And everyone salutes and
we fade to Captain Japanese getting on board the Evil Rocket, and Chief Kane Guy
saying “I think our troubles with Dr. Huer are about over.” Oh, that’s good to hear! I hope. Who was he, again?
Back on Earth,
Buck wants to look at some astral signals to see if they are the Killer Kane
ships he has been promised would be popping by. The universe yawns when this happens,
although it might have just been me.
Anyway, it’s confirmed through the
confirm-o-scope that it’s a Killer Kane ship and thus a sign of Killer Kane’s
continued success. Buck
wonders if there are spies amongst the Killer Kane folks, but Wilma says they
were all caught and turned into robots.
Buck says they probably have some uniforms from the crushed ship they all
arrived in, and he’d like to put on one and be a spy. Everyone says this is futile. But Buck convinces them that he can find
out all about the treaty with the Saturn guys. (Or maybe he just wants to point some
more guns at people.) Everyone
finally yields to Buck. Man, that
ate up about two minutes of screen time.
Thank god!
Jump through a couple of jump cuts, and Buck and Buddy
are dressed as evil guys (though their pilot isn’t) and he asks which condo is
Killer Kane’s, and he is pointed to the one “with the terraces” (which we
see). They circle this for a
while…nothing suspicious in that, no way…and Buck and Buddy jump out with their
“gravity belts” (invisible parachutes).
Wee, yay.
Some guard
notices them landing, but I guess he made a rest stop or something first,
because we see Buck telling Buddy “Act natural” and suddenly we’re in the
presence of Killer Kane. His
“patience is at an end” in case you were keeping score. He says that the treaty from Saturn
“pleases me” so Buck tells Buddy to grab another gravity belt.
Kane asks for the assembled
folks to sign the treaty, but Buck appears and tells Kane the jig is up. He calls for his guards, but Buck
death-rays them to death. (Told
you.) He then tells Captain
Japanese that he’s going to show him just why Killer Kane is called Killer
Kane. Kane says that if Buck
“persists in this folly” his men will “kill” Buck. (Buck’s origin is nicely summarized by
Captain Japanese.)
Buck tells Kane and Captain Japanese to go to the big
television. Buddy will keep the
other assembled old people covered with his death ray. On the big TV, Kane is ordered to show
the “dynamo room” with all the human robots. Well, Captain Japanese is sure convinced
that he's been all wrong about Killer Kane being a nice guy, and he asks to
“treat” with Buck’s leaders.
Kane says they’ll all be arrested before they can leave, but Buck
gives Captain Japanese the spare belt, and they’ll escape with it (not before
Buck explains the belt to the perplexed Saturnian). And Captain Japanese and Buddy jump out
the window. Buck goes to follow but
when his back is turned, he gets jumped on and captured! Not really, he just gets away like
the others. But Kane is sure mad
about it, threatening to make all these old people council folk into
robots.
And some guards
have searchlights.
And…
Well, we cut back to Wilma, Old Guy and Big Boss, and they’re
reassigning ships. Oh good. They decide to search for Buck, Buddy
and whoever else there might be.
Wilma is put in charge. And
soon she’s flying, and more ships are flying.
And back in
Some bad guy whose last name is
(I’m sure in sheer coincidence)
He returns to where the old guys are
settling back into their chairs.
“And you are the men I made counselors of Earth,” he sneers. “I would be better served by this Buck
Rogers, who walked through your men as if they were children.”
One guy
with a pretty clear death wish says to Kane, “I noticed you didn’t
capture
”Kranko, I warn you…another statement like that and you will go
before the firing squad!” Kane weakly ripostes. Me, I’d have death-rayed him right then
and there, but I’m known to be harsh. He then threatens them all with
the same fate and orders everyone out of the super chamber.
And we cut to Buck and company
in flight. He estimates they are
about 600 miles from where they need to be.
”I wouldn’t exactly call Dr.
Huer handsome,” Buddy says, “but I sure would give a lot to see his face right
now.”
”I bet you would, Buddy,” Buck
says, and everyone laughs. Maybe
Dr. Huer is Old Guy, or Big Boss.
I…I can’t make myself care.
Buck gives Captain Japanese the unsigned treaty, and the Captain says he
(Buck) should come back to Saturn some day to get some proper thanks for
preventing this bad alliance.
Just then, they see a bunch of ships ahead. They’re good guy ships, though. But we cut to the folks aboard those
ships, and they start talking about how they should shoot down this ship and
pronto! Because it’s Killer
Kane’s ship! Duh!
Here we go
again.
Sure enough, they
get shot at (by Wilma herself!) and decide to land to show they’re
friendly. Okay then--I'm sure
that'll work. “First time I saw
Killer Kane’s ship give up so easily,” says the pilot guy, which should be a
clue, maybe. Buck, Buddy and
Captain Japanese land and walk out with their arms in the air.
So Wilma lands…a little
awkwardly, but any landing you can walk away from, which she does—anyway,
they’re on the ground now too. Buck
and Company of course walked away from the downed rocket, the better to be shot
at by panicky troops, I guess.
But Buck and Company walk right up to Wilma and Company and it’s
all straightened out. “I’m so glad
that was not a direct hit,” Wilma says.
Introductions are made all around, and Captain Japanese is introduced to
the hand-shake. Buck says they’ll
follow in Kane’s ship.
Soon
enough, Captain Japanese is being introduced to the leading lights of the
freedom-liking guys, Old Guy and Big Boss, by Buck himself. Oh, and I suppose Dr. Huer is in there,
too. Whoever he is, anyway. Just so you can have names, here there
are: Captain Japanese is Prince
Talon, Big Boss is Air Marshall Craig, and Old Guy is Dr. Huer after all. Do you think I’m going to change
now?
Prince Talon says he’s going to sign the treaty, but everyone says
he should see the people around here first, to see if they’re worthy of the
treaty. And a jump cut later,
literally in the next scene, Wilma is being interrupted in the lab to be told
she should contact Saturn and tell them the treaty’s been signed, and Saturn
should be told they should prepare for war (with Killer Kane). Wilma starts to make the
call.
And over in Killer Kane’s meeting room, Killer Kane’s day is not
getting any brighter for him. He’s
hearing the report of how
One guy with a goatee says to Kane, “We brought it on
ourselves! You should have taken my
advice!” which was to stop when Kane had “enough” and now his greed has gotten
them all into trouble.
“Since you are so clever,” Kane sneers, “you shall take a
spaceship to Saturn and arrange a treaty with her people before Talon has time
to report back!”
“I refuse!” shouts the soon-to-be-deathrayed guy as he
jumps to his feet. “I will not be a
tool for your insane ambitions!”
Well, Killer Kane shows he can leap to
his feet just as effectively, and he does so, reminding Goatee (why is he still
alive?) that he, Kane, is in command.
He orders Goatee to be brought to the
Huh. Microsoft Word thinks “robotized” is a
real word. Um…is it?
Anyway, Kane goes to his
viewscreen and watches as Goatee is robotized. Some guys ask if Goatee has any last
words, and as the Hat of Robotization is placed on his head, he says to tell
Kane that he’ll escape, but his words drift off. He looks totally like he’s really into
Metallica now.
“One more dead mind in the ranks of the leader’s enemies,”
the guard notes. In the background,
another robotized guy is carrying a giant screw.
Kane turns and gives a look of
total smugness to the remaining folks in his meeting room. Who wants to bet the next person won’t
turn down the Saturn job? He asks
if anyone else feels the same way Goatee did, and everyone kind of stares at the
table like those
please-don’t-call-on-me-please-don’t-call-on-me-please-don’t-call-on-me guys
from high school.
He calls over the guy who failed to capture Buck Rogers
and Company and tells him that, since he’s a kindly ruler, he’s going to spare
his life. All he has to do is fly
to Saturn and do what Goatee refused to do, and if Random Guard guy (who’s going
to play a bigger role in this than I thought, sigh) succeeds, he can take
Goatee’s place at the Consul table.
Back in the
Oh, sorry, he
means because Killer Kane would shoot down any rockets. Sorry for jumping on Big Bosses like
that, it’s just, you know, so tempting.
Anyway, we’re told (by a guy who looks like Gomer Pyle from the Future)
that Killer Kane has doubled all patrols, so any non-Kane ships would be shot to
flinders. To flinders, I tell
you!
Old Guy says, though, that he’s been working on an experiment that
might help. He says, oh, it’s not
quite done and I was hoping to show it in a more flattering light, but “it may
serve our purpose.” He takes
everyone over to a big window to demonstrate his new thing…which looks like a
huge gun. He tells everyone to keep
an eye on one of the ships they have parked in the Hidden City Parking Lot, and
they all look at it, and Old Guy
shoots it with a buzzing ray that turns the ship invisible! He warns folks not to step in
front of the beam, because “it may take some time” for objects so rayed to
become visible again. Hm, I smell a
ship becoming visible again at the worst possible time.
But anyway, Buck (wearing Flash
Gordon clothing) has to be explained to that the ship isn’t destroyed, it’s
invisible. This takes longer than
what I’ve typed. You’re
welcome. The main thing we learn is
that the invisibility only lasts for ten minutes “at most” (uh oh).
So, Big Boss goes to Gomer Pyle
of the Future and tells him to ready the rocket launch stuff, while Buck, Prince
Talon and Wilma all prepare to go into a rocket that will become invisible
before their very eyes, just like it did for us a few moments back. Some beefy guys of the future place the
Invisibility Gun in place. Also,
some “retarding rockets” are loaded into place. “You’ll be pretty much on your own when
you reach Saturn,” Big Boss says, then we cut away to the mountain opening up,
and the (still visible) ship launching into the air. Cutting it kind of fine, eh, Old
Guy?
Man, I have to say, these buzzing ships with their sparkler drive
still look pretty cool. They’re not
convincing at all, but they have major geek cred. Anyway, they’re launching visible and
will tell Old Guy when they spot some Kane ships…of which, five have just popped
up on the viewscreen. Oops! Or is that Yikes! I never know, myself….
So, Buck
calls Old Guy and tells him he should whip up on the invisibility stuff,
straight away. On board the Kane
main ship, one guy says to hold fire until…well, until Buck escapes. Oh come on, that’s not a spoiler! I think the guy ordering is Random Guy
from the earlier scene. Maybe, or
maybe not.
Beefy guys stand
by as Old Guy aims the Invisible Gun.
Luckily, Old Guy is a crack shot and the Buck Ship turns invisible. Of course, the Kane guys see this too,
so I’m not sure it helped a whole lot.
Kane Guy says the ships should spread out and try to find this now
invisible ship. Yeah, how many different places could it be
going? Hint: treaty with Saturn.
The ships peel off from formation
in totally unbelievable but pretty lovable ways. Just then the Buck ship becomes visible
again. Hey, that wasn’t ten
minutes! Um, thank you though. It does appear that the Buck ship got
through the blockade okay.
And we fade to Saturn shooting toward us, and then the Buck Ship
landing back on Saturn. Buck is all
happy about this, but who wants to bet that Killer Kane’s Random Guy got there
first? Hello?
Well, I guess
no one cares, because we cut back to Buck, Wilma and Prince Talon saying, in
essence, “Well that’s about it,” and how they have to return to Earth now. One Big Heap Saturn Boss says, “Well, I
realize your need for haste.”
Right next to him is a guy wearing the Hat of Robotization. Just saying. So, Prince Talon takes Buck and Wilma
back to their spaceship so they can go back home and fight some more against
Killer Kane. And will Saturn be a
good and true ally on this field of battle? I dunno, how much running time do we
have left?
Well, the music is kind of triumphal, as Prince Talon leads
Buck and Wilma across the matte paintings to their ship. And all three get on board and start the
launching sequence. But, and I
really hate to tell you this…we’re not even 45 minutes in.
Oh, stop crying! Please! And stop that awful moaning, it just
wakes up the neighbors and puts them in a foul mood!
Well, anyway, Buck tries to use
the radio to call the Earth, and he gets through, amazingly enough. He asks if the “disolvo” ray is any
further perfected, and is told, no, not really. So he’s going to fly back to Earth and
hope to slip through the Kane blockade.
Prince Talon pipes up and notes that there’s nothing to keep Buck and
Wilma on Saturn any more. Buck
says, no, not really, they’ll radio their battle plans to Saturn when they get
back to Earth. So everyone salutes
and Prince Talon leaves. Oh, the
suspense! What stupid thing will
Buck and Wilma forget to do this time, so they’re almost destroyed by the good
guys! And what happened to Random
Guy! And why was the Saturn King
wearing a Robot Hat? Well, maybe
we’ll get lucky and learn it all pretty quickly so we won’t suffer a
lot.
Well, the ship takes off impressively. Old Guy tells the assembled Gomer Pyles
that they need to be ready to turn the ship invisible right away, and they all
say they’ll do so, yes sir!
Fade to Killer Kane in his Consul room
again. He is assuming that Random
Guy failed in his mission to make an alliance with Saturn. So he’s going to send another mission to
try and do the same thing, because—but he gets a call on his audio-scope, which
tells him an “unidentified spaceship” is returning from Saturn. He asks to be kept informed. Wow, how dictatorial! I mean, come on, he must know this
is Buck, or at least someone not allied with him (Kane)? Why doesn’t he just order the stupid
thing death-rayed?
Because, as it turns out, he thinks this might be
Random Guy on the way back.
(Rolls eyes.) “We’ll make no
move until we learn more,” Kane says, before he adjourns the meeting. So…why would one of his ships be
“unidentified”? Wouldn’t Random Guy
radio Kane ASAP about his success?
Man, Killer Kane, you are a wide-eyed idiot.
Aboard the sparking,
smoking Kane ships, they’re on alert about this ship returning from Saturn and
all. So some of them descend lower
so’s they can get a good look.
On board the Buck ship, Buck asks Wilma for some more “retarding
rockets.” Say, Buck, aren’t you
over the legal limit for those?
He calls Old Guy and asks for readiness on the disolvo ray. But it turns out Kane’s Guys have seen
the ship already, so Buck asks for the ray now, okay? And Old Guy shoots the ray, and yep,
Buck’s ship turns invisible.
The Kane Guys are totally baffled. But no matter, we jump cut a bit, and
Buck is already landed safely and telling some other folks they should get a
whole bunch of information from this ship.
Uh…I'm going to guess, because it is one of their own ships, and they…um,
don’t know about their own ships, uh…oh, never mind. Just go with it, okay? Damn splices.
Okay, I must have totally missed
something here. I guess Buck
Rogers’ original ship to Saturn must have been DESTROYED in a FIERY PAROXYSM of
HUGELY ENTERTAINING SPECIAL EFFECTS, that we didn’t get to see, and he had to
steal a Killer Kane Space Sedan, so that’s all the talk about learning from this
ship. Because one lone Gomer goes
on board to start this learning, and a bad guy was hiding in the Space Closet,
and he came out of the closet and decked the good guy! I bet this is Random Guy. Though it might be Dr. Huer. No wait, that’s…that’s crazy
talk!
He quickly takes the Gomer’s uniform off. Why, that rascal! Elsewhere, Buck, Wilma and Buddy meet
Big Boss, and he’s all happy to see them alive, as he thought they were
dead! He takes them to see Old Guy,
where Buck relates the fact that the Saturnians are totally behind the good guys
and will attack when the signal is given.
They go off to convene the War Council.
Fade out, and fade in as some
Gomer is relieving another Gomer on gramophone duty. (There’s one right there.) They chit-chat a bit about the new
P-38, and how maybe this is another drill.
Bad Guy sneaks out of the rocket, all dressed as a Good Guy. The rotten cad! The bounder! He does rile my dander!
He sneaks into the Gramophone
Room and makes the Gomer go into another room. Then he calls Killer Kane and tells him
that he’s in the
Back in
We see a shot of this, just in
case we had our doubts. Bad Guy is a cad, after all! Plus a
bounder.
Big Boss goes to the gate control, but Bad Guy whops him with
the gun, and
But I guess he only stunned him, because he’s rolling around
clutching his eyes. Big Boss
recovers and smashes in the head of Bad Guy, and closes the gates just as the
squadron ships are trying to get in!
Most of them explode on the mountainside, but two of them get in and make
nice landings in the spaceport thing.
The four bad guys get out and say,
“We’ve got to work fast!” as Big Boss orders troops to the spaceport. (Geez, Microsoft Word. “Spaceport” is okay, but “viewscreen”
isn’t?) But they’re quickly
captured. Wow, that was almost
exciting. Bad Guy is tossed in with
them.
And we cut to the
next day, with the War Council in full session. Buck Rogers is suggesting they attack
right away, because Killer Kane now knows where the secret entrance is.
Yes, he does. Why hasn’t he done anything since
sending the one squad? He could at
least set up some guards to shoot down anything that emerged from the gates,
and…oh, man, I’m tired. This Killer
Kane guy is more like a Killer Klown.
Anyway, everyone agrees that striking now is the best thing they
should do, so, they should contact Saturn for help, because Buck Rogers said it,
and he’s Buck Rogers, for crying out loud!
So, everyone who’s anyone goes to Old Guy’s lab. And they discover that…the receiver that
Buck left on Saturn, to facilitate communication, is dead, so they can’t send
any messages. Oh man, this is just
making me exhausted. I suppose this
means another "close call" trip to Saturn to bring the message personally. Oy vey. (Microsoft Word things “Oy” is
misspelled but “vey” is just fine.)
Sure enough, that’s the damned
plan.
Well, close. He can
install more rocket-racks. This
will make it work, but it won’t be comfortable. Old Guy goes off to do this. Buck says he’ll be ready when the ship
is, and Wilma pipes up about how he shouldn’t go alone. Sigh. And I bet Buddy will go too.
Well, it’s implied that they
both will have to stay behind, but we cut to Buddy sneaking on board. Buck boards, saying he wishes he could
have seen Buddy. “He’s probably
very busy at something or other,” someone states. Wow. Goodbyes are exchanged all around and
Buck gets inside and closes the door.
Let me just note, because the film takes pains to do so, that
Buck is holding his right arm very awkwardly, because it was injured by the Bad
Guy’s ray blast. I’m sure Buddy
will come in handy because of this.
Well, the Kane ship takes off and flies through the mountain
gates, and a bunch of Kane ships see it.
They were gonna blast it, but they see it’s another Kane ship, so they
decide not to blast it. But they
call Buck on the Kane-o-Phone, and he says he’s got extra special super secret
stuff for Kane’s ears only, so they all leave him alone.
And there’s actually a pretty
neat shot of Buck’s Kane ship veering off one way, while the patrol ships veer
off in a different direction. Not
convincing or realistic, but pretty cool anyway. Buck, working the ship with one hand,
says, “Okay, Buddy. You can come
out anytime you want, now.”
See? He was never
fooled. Ha ha ha.
There’s a bit of banter, but who
cares at this point, and soon enough we see Saturn loom ahead in the night sky,
just like we saw it before.
Fade, and soon enough, back in the Council of Wise Guys, Buck
Rogers says, “Aldar, you will not save Prince Talon by accepting Kane’s
terms. Once he’s here on Saturn, he
will kill your prince, and enslave your people.”
You know, I just got the
feeling we missed a whole chunk of something. Like Prince Talon being kidnapped, for
one, and what Buck and Buddy are clutching in their fists, for another. Oh well.
“Gentlemen,” Buck goes on,
“you’re dealing with the vilest type of crime known to man. Kidnapping. Why, we’ve fought it on Earth for
centuries. Men capable of such a
crime are without honor. Their
words are worthless, and Killer Kane is the foulest of the lot. Why, your own experience with him should
tell you that I speak the truth.
Surely you must see that a treaty with Killer Kane will result only in
your prince’s death, and the subjugation of your people.”
At this point,
with the Wise Guys shifting uneasily, some Wise Guy to the right of the Chief,
or Wisest Guy, says, “May I who first suggested surrender, now withdraw my
plea. Let us abide by our treaty
with the people of the
The
Wisest Guy turns to the guy on the left, and he says, yeah, sure, war sounds
good.
Then we cut back to
Wilma and Old Guy, because, well, we haven’t had anyone shoot at Buck in a
while, so this gives another chance for that. Because I’d like to think he’s on his
way back now with good news from Saturn.
Well, I jumped the gun, there, because the actual order was for
all planes assigned to “Battle Plan B” should take off immediately. Which they do. Then, we cut to Buck and Buddy, noting
how there’s no one at Killer Kane’s house to guard it, so they land there,
having, um, gotten back from Saturn during a splice storm…damn these stupid
splices or whatever! Argh! Oh dear!
Buck and Buddy disembark, note
the direction of the “dynamo room” and head toward said room. This turns out to be the robot room, and
Buck and Buddy overpower the one guard there. Buck points out Goatee amongst the robot
workers. Buck then says, “If we can
get him loose, I have an idea he’ll help us to get even.” He pokes the captured guard and
tells him to call down to have Goatee sent upstairs. Will this be another stupid move for
Buck, or will the guard do it? I’ve
paused the film so you can all vote!
Turns out Captured Guard does what he’s told. And Goatee heads up to the balcony where
Buck, Buddy, and Guard are to be found.
He slowly climbs the ladder.
And his robot hat is removed, and he’s totally with the idea of busting a
cap in Killer Kane’s…behind.
Ha! Thought you’d caught me,
didn’t you?
Buck removes
the robot part from the robot hat, and tells Goatee to put it back on so he can
free more robots to use against Kane.
“That’ll be a real pleasure!” says Goatee. And he puts the now safe robot hat back
on, and returns to his *ha ha ha* slave duties. And slowly goes back down the
ladder. And takes off a few robot
hats and calms the guys, but you know what had to happen, the guard guy had to
cause trouble, and a big fight ensues.
But don’t worry, please, don’t worry! The good guys win and the robots are all
turned into non-robots.
After rather a long stretch of fighting, yes, but
still.
And we cut to Killer
Kane telling his assembled flunkies, “Now that we know the secret entrance to
the
The phone call
is from some Kane guy who says they’ve already lost “a third” of the available
ships to attacking
They all go to some other room, but as the door opens, Buck,
Buddy and some non-robots flow into the room! Buck holds a gun on Kane, who is all
startled and such by this brazen display.
He hands his gun to Buddy, tells Goatee to hold Kane’s arms, and puts a
fully operational robot hat on Kane.
Kane doesn’t like this, but he’s pretty slack-jawed almost
immediately. And…
And we cut
to some guy reading stuff on the radio. Yes, it’s our friend Mr. Radio from the
beginning of this film! Dare we
hope that his appearance means…but let’s not spoil it. Let him speak!
“And that, my friends, finishes
the story of Killer Kane, the man who wanted to conquer the world. No less ruthless, no less cunning, no
less a danger to civilization than the very real enemy which threatens the world
today. Let us hope that the
scientists of the free world devise the weapons and the craft that will make
democracy invincible against any enemy.
God bless
And the triumphal music heralds
the fact that this is, in fact, the end.
Admittedly, I don't have a whole lot of
experience with serials, but the ones I've seen tend to have a great deal of
repetition in them. My theory is that this is so if you miss a
chapter, you'll still be able to follow the story when you watch the next.
You might miss a fistfight or two, but the whole "bad guy menaces, good guys try
to stop him" arc maintains its overall balance without any real advances one way
or the other. In other words, very little "story" occurs outside
the first and last episodes of serials, although lots of stuff happens. If
you watched this particular film in all its serial glory, you could watch
chapters one, two, eleven and twelve and get pretty much the whole
story.
It does seem, though, that they managed to cram in every event
that the serial contained in about one-third the size. Does this make it
more exciting? Well, no. It largely makes the repetition more
evident. Let's fly to Saturn! Let's fly back! Let's fly again
to Saturn, because the phone's out! And so on. Just having a lot of
action doesn't mean the film is interesting, really. Admittedly, I've seen
things far worse than this. Admittedly, as well, it has a certain charm to
it, despite its dramatic shortcomings. Honestly, though, at the end of
the day I'd say give this one a pass. Unlike Rocky Jones, who had thirty
minute television episodes to cobble together, Buck had only fifteen minute
serial chapters, each of which had to have a cliffhanger. Rocky could take
his time and have things develop; Buck couldn't, being constrained by the
chase-stasis-cliffhanger formula.
I'm not sure it would be
possible to make this better, though I can't help thinking one fewer trip to
Saturn, with maybe footage of Prince Talon being captured and all that, might
have given it a greater variety and thus, some more entertainment value.
Who knows? I'm sure this kept kids glued to the television in the
1960's. One of those kids might have been me. I do remember
those spaceships.
Thus in the long run, I do have to give props to the
film for those spaceships. The grinding buzz they make when they fly,
shooting sparks like fireworks...that's just so cool, and so evocative of the
innocent entertainment of a long bygone era. I could probably watch half
an hour of those ships flying around. And I guess, ultimately, I
did. It's kind of too bad there was all that other stuff in
there.
My rating overall would be something like, "Meh."