Tonight’s feature is The Phantom Planet
, and I do recall seeing this one in the dim recesses of youth. But I remember little about it, so that’s
okay then!
We open
on a black screen and a countdown, which, when it reaches zero, becomes an image
of an atomic bomb being detonated.
Um. Well, I hope the rocket
was insured, then. Or,
alternatively, that it was supposed
to blow up good.
”Through the splitting of the
atom, only a few decades ago,” says a portentous narrator, “and through his
God-given genius of science, man, at last, has succeeded in penetrating further
and further—“ We see a spaceship
fly across a starfield. “—into the
unknown vastness of space. The Moon
[which we see next] has become the launching base for advanced exploration. From this pivotal point, astronauts, at
the risk of their lives, set out to conquer nature’s mysterious forces.” Asteroids fly across the screen. “Yet many questions remain
unanswered. What is his Earth, in
relation to the inconceivable number of other worlds? Is his speed truly the fastest?” Images of galaxies and like that. “His achievements, the greatest? Or is he a mere unimportant piece of
driftwood, floating in the vast ocean of the universe?” We’re zooming in on one galaxy. “Could there be life, similar to our
own, on other planets? Is it not
possible, that atmospheric conditions of relative environments control their
shapes and forms? If so, would they
be giants, or could perhaps the opposite be true?” We’re still zooming in on the same
galaxy, and we’re zooming in on one of its arms.
”Could their intellect have
reached a scientific level far above man’s dreams? What then will the future reveal?” A solar system, then a rocket. “If this story you are about to witness
is only…the beginning…” We see more
of the rocket trundling along, then we cut to the interior, which is loaded with
dials and stuff. And
some musical stings and stuff.
And some guy tells us that this is the ship’s log and it’s
1980. Pardon me while I sigh for a
long while. Anyway, he’s he
captain, and the other guy is the navigator. He goes on to note other factors in
their current location and stuff.
“It’s quiet and lonely out here,” he says, “and frankly, we’ll be happy
to get back to that dreary old Moon.”
The music takes a somewhat ominous
turn after he says that. And sure
enough, something goes wrong, the ship starts getting all bothered by a
gravitational anomaly, and they both see a crappy asteroid which is bothering
the whole situation. They try to
correct but it doesn’t work.
And they crash a lot into this asteroid, which pops out the titles, “The
Phantom Planet.” And we get a lot
of cast members. And some crew,
including Gordon Zahler as “Music Supervisor.” That’s never a good credit to
see.
Robert Kinoshita (Production Design) seems familiar, and there’s
Hugo Grimaldi again (as Assistant Producer and Supervising Film Editor). More space shots, more shots of
the Asteroid Gang floating across the screen. Fred Gebhardt produced (story and
co-script), William Marshall directed (I remember a credit for additional
dialogue from him).
Yeah,
well, it all sucks now. I
mean, makes sense!
Sorry about that.
Anyway, we cut to the Moon,
where some radar equipment turns.
Inside, a top brass guy is wondering about the missing ships (two of them
in this month alone). He mentions
to an underling that the ships crash into something big enough to be thought of
as a planet, but then the damned thing disappears!
”It’s against all
theories of space,” says the underling.
General Topbrass asks if Underling got the same reports, and he admits he
did, and is just as puzzled by this appear/disappear thing as General Topbrass
is.
Speaking of the
General, who is actually just a Colonel, he gets a call on the space telephone
from the Big Boys and they want answers!
But Colonel doesn’t have answers.
He mentions how he has the log of the last flight, and it tells “What
happened” but not “How” and “Why.”
General Phone asks for a suggestion,
but no one has any ideas. Colonel Moon
says that the “mysterious planet” comes and goes when it wants, and is thus
impossible to track. What a dilemma!
The voice over the phone scoffs about “phantom planets” and
Colonel Moon takes umbrage at the suggestion that he is slacking off. General Phone apologizes, and
suggests sending “another reconnaissance flight with Chapman.”
”Chapman?”
Colonel Moon says, sounding as if he’d been asked to taste-test underwear. I’m going to guess he thinks pretty less
of Chapman. And probably even less
of Chapman’s underwear.
But let’s put underwear beside us, as we press
on. Turns out Colonel Moon
had Chapman in mind for the Mars Project, but General Phone reminds him that any
Phantom Planets will put the kibosh on any Mars Projects, even if they’re only
theoretical!
Well, Colonel Moon asks the Secy to call Chapman in, and she
does, in two different voices. And
the guy who looks like Martin Scorsese/Dick Miller looks awkward and
uncomfortable as he stands there, having no lines.
Chapman, who has weird blonde
hair, shows up and complains about testing “equipment for the Mars Project” and
Colonel Moon tells him he’s going off tomorrow, the General ordered it, and
Chapman, who I guess is ultra-telepathic, seems to know everything and wonders
if he’s honored or not. He asks
what he should be looking for and, miming, suggests a “floating space
monster.”
Colonel tells him
it’s “no joke” and Chapman apologizes for being frivolous and mentions how he’ll
do his best.
And we cut to
Frank Chapman’s rocket blasting off and hurling into space and all that. Not bad model work. Onboard,
Chapman and his Stocky Pal read out
the readouts that can be read out and they acknowledge stuff. Wow, the future!
The two of them talk about how
take-off is always a nervous thing.
A-yup, chuckle, then they look through screens and see the Moon
retreating, and they note how it’s just breathtaking and stuff.
”You
know, Captain,” says Stocky Pal, as he reads his lines from a teleprompter,
“every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced, that the wisest and best
is to fix our attention on the good, and the beautiful.”
Well Chapman allows how Stocky
Pal is “some guy” but then Lunar Base One calls and wants to know what is
what. Colonel Moon asks Chapman if
there is anything out there, and Chapman says no, “it’s almost too quiet.” Ooo, that can’t be good to say!
Back in Colonel Moon’s domain,
Colonel Moon wants to know whenever anything happens, whatever, and Martin
Miller blinks a lot and we barely see the space operator’s face. Colonel Moon says, “I hope whatever was
out there is gone now,” but a musical sting and the image of the ship flying
through space put paid to that hope!
Chapman and Stocky talk about elapsed time and how boring it is,
but Chapman has an idea that maybe they aren’t on course any more. Yes, I know it sounds wacky or
space-happy but he might be on to something! He asks Stocky to follow the
same course Pegasus Three was taking…which I guess I thought was part of the
mission in the first place, but then I have never lived in space! So how would I know
anyway!
Chapman avers how the phantom planet goes where it wants, so why
would it go where it’s already been?
Stocky pipes in that “lightning never strikes in the same place twice” so
I guess that shows us futuristic super science at work!
And further, Stocky decides to
follow Chapman’s (as yet unstated) plan.
So he unstraps to go do something, somewhere. We see the ship in space—whoah! “You could go nuts out here, just
waiting for something to happen,” Chapman says, echoing my thoughts on a daily
basis when watching this kind of stuff. Stocky offers how it is the
same as fishing, “you gotta be patient, and wait.”
Suddenly, the
“electro-stagmeter” is “going haywire” and Lunar Base chooses THAT moment to
call and bother them! Lunar Base
tells them they are “completely off course,” but Stocky notes that the
something-meter and the other-meter are “out”! Chapman assures Lunar Base that being
off-course wasn’t planned, but they “are entering a heavy magnetic field” so
that should excuse everything.
Chapman asks for their “exact position” but the radio cuts off before
they can get it! Wow, talk about
not only cooking the brownies, but eating them too!
They decide to go to manual
control…which I thought they were on, being able to change their course and
all…but suddenly meteors show up!
If you
have seen any sci-fi films with space parts, ever, you know that meteors are never good
things to see, as they are basically intergalactic criminals out to terrorize
innocent space travelers!
DOWN WITH METEORS!
Luckily, those meteors just walk on by, though
Chapman insists the danger is still around. And sure enough, here come another flock
of meteors! Could things BE anymore
poop-stacked? I think not! Also, I need some beer!
The
intrepid ship Whatever speeds through the meteor fields. Those meteors politely go over or under
the ship. Despite their rare
luck, the crew on board the Whatever decides going at a ninety degree angle
would bode best for them all.
Why? Um, you’re asking
me?
At any rate, or (sigh) because of, Chapman and Stocky go with this
ninety-degree plan to avoid these polite meteors. Because, otherwise, well, stuff would be
doomed for sure! So the ship
turns and heads right into the meteors’ path! Um, what? This doesn’t seem to be a plan derived
from super-science! Rewrite!
But guess what! That
worked! The meteors have passed on
to menace hot-dog stands in other solar systems, and Earth and stuff are all
clear and things. Stocky goes to
check stuff while Chapman agrees it is a good idea to do so. Stocky assures Chapman, via the ole clap
on the shoulder, that he avers they’ll make it to the Moon. Well, everyone hopes so. Except me, I guess, as I was looking
forward to thrills and haven’t gotten any yet.
Stocky and Chapman go
through the checklist, which is all OK except for “Main Circuits” one and two,
which are negative. This seems
worrisome. Even the auxiliaries are
out, too! So Chapman is going to
do…something. He gets out of his
chair, and counters the playful banter from Stocky about training exercises and
assorted folderol. Oh good. Wouldn’t want me to get scared! Or awake!
Chapman and Stocky go
through a door, and a bit later, Chapman goes outside the ship to check on
things. Because, you know, even if
a meteor shower is over, it might not be over for those cosmic pranksters. They might have, after all, um, well,
flown around behind and hid in some…they….zzzzzzz.
WHAT? MAN THE RAMPARTS, it…oh, sorry! I kind of fell asleep there. Snerk!
Anyway, Chapman is going
outside, to the appropriate music.
He sees a bit of the ship venting air out into the aether. Stocky comes along. They use a blow-torch, er somehow, to
try and fix this, but it just makes things worse. More stuff starts venting!
Somehow (cough) one of them
figures out that the retro-rocket feedlines have to be cut. So, I guess they do this, while little
bits of things whiz around them.
(Polite of them to wait like that.)
Chapman notices that Stocky’s
airline is broken. And he shoves
him back into the airlock. I’m not
going to comment on defective space equipment this early in a mission…except I
just did, I guess. Darn!
All
the while, li’l meteors zip around, and while Stocky is shoved to safety,
apparently one of the little meteors gets Chapman, as we get to see Stocky safe
and the door close in Chapman’s face before he can get inside. He is drifting off into, um, excitement
and adventure. Well, let us all
hope! Meanwhile, Stocky, all those pizza rolls are
yours!
Chapman drifts off into…whatever-world. He recites the “Our Father” as he drifts
away from the ship, and we cut to where everyone is worried. Colonel
Moon says to keep looking damn
it all! He (Chapman) just has to be
somewhere, is the reasoning.
Onboard the USS Whocares, the guy on the
floor—Stocky—gets up and wanders around.
That’s…well, that’s entertainment, I guess. But then, Chapman comes back on board
apparently and starts the air, but it sure seems like this will be too
late. But, he starts to talk into
the phone.
He sees that
they are going to smash into an asteroid, so he talks a good show and figures
out stuff a scientist couldn’t do, because being about to die, he has
insights.
Um, yeah. Chapman notes he is totally without
control He notes how
Stocky is probably dead and he can’t read his own position, thus, well, you
know. What the hell happened how
things are dead and not fixed anymore?
Did I fall asleep
again? Was it Stocky who fell off the ship, and I thought it was Chapman?
Chapman notes how he doesn’t think he’ll
make it, etc. (Typical stuff, for
the time. I mean, we all know he
will or we’d be sans feature here.)
We watch the ship being pulled toward
the asteroid rather severely, and finally everything shivers a lot and we see a
beam of light yank the rocket toward the asteroid surface in a gentle
fashion. When it finally
lands, Chapman unstraps and breathes a sigh of relief. He then opens the hatch and steps
outside (while the music takes a bit of an oriental approach). Finally, he falls off the ship and onto
the asteroid surface. Then he gets
up. And moves around. And starts walking, and falls down
again.
Why, he’s no fun, he
fell right over! But as he does so
this time, we get some flashback dialogue and like that. All right! Grrl Power! YES! NO!
And as he snores to the
scenes of the previous bits of movie, some tiny people come right up to where he
is, and point at him. Hey, look, a giant
is what I imagine they are saying.
They seem to be about four inches tall.
Chapman wakes up and sees them
gesture, in slow motion. They knock
on his faceplate to no avail, other than to make him wake up in a bad mood. The little people scatter. And, to discordant electronic noise, he
staggers and falls again. And as
the astonished tinies watch, Chapman shrinks down to a tiny doll thing, just the
same size as everyone else. So now
everyone is equal and everyone’s vote counts.
The tiny people approach the
tiny (though naked) Chapman and he resists them, but is ultimately captured to
be brought to trial.
And we
cut to the trial, or rather the aftermath of same. A lot of folks who dress very
much alike are going to judge Mr. Chapman and his naked rampage. Chapman is called in so he
can face his sentence.
He’s
asked if he’s ready for trial and he’s all defiant, like, for example, he
doesn’t know what he’s done wrong.
Hey, just like us! The other
day! Ha ha!
BANG. Ouch! Anyway, he wants to know his
crimes. As he looks at the
assembled ladies, the judge-voice says, “We’ll let you know in time. What are you called?”
He gives
his name as Chapman, and wonders how everyone here (on “Raton”) speaks
English. They explain that they
“are able to translate all languages through voice tone waves.”
Some
official type guy says these explanations are all well and good, but what about
the charges? Eh? Hello?
Assistant Dork Guy says Heck Yes
and he says that Chapman injured one of the natives. Chapman says he thought he was being
attacked and he defended himself thusly.
He notes that he didn’t want to come here anyway, bleah, but his ship was
pulled here by “an enormous gravitational force.”
”You were, when you came into
our path of travel,” says Assistant Dork Guy.
”Path of travel…” Chapman
muses. “…phantom
planet.”
Assistant Dork Guy notes that, “We managed, just in time, to
control your landing, by releasing the pressure in our space
warp.”
Chapman notes that he doesn’t understand this…join the club…and
the elderly guy says that there will be many things that Chapman will not
understand. Oh, that is so
reassuring.
Anyway,
Assistant Dork Guy demands a vote on the crime in question, and to a tympani
roll, the (noted: largely female) jury finds Chapman innocent of serious stuff
but guilty of being totally hot.
Also, “guilty as charged” but that means he’s now a free citizen of
Raton. So…uh, I guess that’s okay,
then, just like in Bizarro World?
Hello?
Some of the ladies flutter their eyebrows at this turn of
events. Okay, hey, good. We’re told (as we ogle the cute brunette)
that the jury is dismissed and Chapman is now a subject of the asteroid
world. He gets a hand put on his
chest to emphasize this. Man oh
man!
Chapman shows he has some bite by saying, basically, that their
system sucks and there’s got to be something better. Hooray! Also, he didn’t ask to come here,
these tiny troublemakers pulled his ship to them.
The old guy says, in a
sense, tough but says they have to keep themselves secure. So, Chapman has to be guilty, even
though he won’t suffer “any penalties” except to become a citizen of Raton. And the trial is over and Chapman
is free to go…um, elsewhere on Raton.
Chapman rants about this, and a hot
blonde comes up to him and says he shouldn’t worry about anything, and also
she’s Liara, the old guy’s daughter, and she’ll show him to his
quarters.
And as Chapman turns to talk to her, and the camera angle
changes, his extremely white blonde hair…
…becomes a very dark brown.
Say, this phantom planet sure does have its amazing
qualities!
But as she leads him away, his hair turns bright blonde
again! The mystery and awe on
display is making me weep with glycerin! Also, lamp shades. The dark-haired gal watches as the two
of them leave, and she lowers her eyes.
As they walk the corridors, Chapman asks what’s up with the
midgetosity of everyone, and Liara explains that it’s a combination of gravity
and strange gasses in the atmosphere.
Everything here has been rendered “proportional” to the size of the
world, and Liara explains how all the worlds they’ve found do this, with folks
either big or small or regular depending on how big or small or regular the
world is. Of course, this makes
perfect sense if you’re a chowderhead but let’s be charitable and move on.
She explains that “oxygen” in Chapman’s world would restore him to his
normal size, but he (according to her) shouldn’t worry about that, since (she
cheerfully asserts) “You’ll never see your world again!” And she strides off. After glowering a moment, he
follows.
And irony of ironies, WE see Chapman’s world again! We cut to Colonel Moon and his happy
gaggle of babbling hecklers. He
notes from another guy there that, yes indeed, no word from the USS Whoever for
two days. Colonel Moon looks off into
the distance, and says that after twenty-four more hours he’s going to send out
a search party. I guess if he sent
them out sooner he’d miss out on double buffalo wing night at the Peach Pit Bar
and Grill, and we can’t have that.
National security, you know.
Oh, and fade out on that exciting bit.
Fade in as Chapman walks up
to a crowd of tinies who are gathered around Old Guy. Old Guy dismisses the crowd, and he and
Chapman talk about Chapman’s future.
Old Guy wants it here on Raton, Chapman wants it back on Earth, Old Guy
says no way. He says Chapman should
be “productive.”
In response to Chapman’s query (“What is it you want me
to do?”) Old Guy says Chapman should help keep Earth ships from getting near
here. Chapman says that’s his only
hope of getting back. Your host
falls asleep again, but is awakened with the sound of a gingerbread house
collapsing around him. The two
folks on screen blather for quite some time. Chapman notes the two previous ships to
crash, and Old Guy says Yah too bad about them but lucky for you, and Chapman
notes how advanced the Phantom Planeteers are but how primitive too.
Old Guy notes how there’s a
story behind that…oh, thanks. He
drones on about how they used to have machines do all the work, and everyone got
really lazy. Because they had so
much free time, they started to fight each other. Really? Usually it’s the
opposite.
Chapman says the same thing is starting on Earth. Really? Because of too much free time? “Too much free time—too little
work!” Wow! And they say the cinema can teach us
nothing!
Old Guy nods.
“Problem not at all unique in the history of the universe.”
”What happened on Raton?” asks
Chapman. Wait, isn’t this
Raton? Hello? GrrlPower!
Anyway, Old Guy says the Raton
folks decided to go back to the land and stuff, only they kept their super
science things. Y’know, just in
case and all. S o, you don’t have
to hate the Raton people, they’re not real hippies. Whew!
And you know that dark-haired
guy, who I thought was Chapman in a really bad edit? I think it might have been some other
guy, who blurts up about impatience, then pops off. He has dark brown hair, though he shares
Chapman’s gift for the stony expression.
So, instead of being a bad edit, it might have just been a bad edit.
Old Guy calms Bad Edit, and
tells Chapman he wants to acquaint him with their way of life and other space
hippy stuff. Old Guy also
tells Chapman that in time, he can choose a wife, either Liara (blonde) or Zeta
(the brunette from earlier). Old Guy mentions that Zeta cannot
speak, but both would be totally hot bods to press against on cool nights, so
sez the Old Guy, though not in those terms.
Chapman avers how it would be
hard to choose, and Old Guy says he can take his time, but when he (Chapman)
makes his final choice, “it must not be taken lightly!”
Liara pops up and
grabs Chapman’s arm, and tells him he “must be hungry!”
Bad Edit steps
forward and takes exception to this.
But Old Guy tells Chapman that he “must learn our ways” because I bet
there’s a quiz later and Old Guy gives really hard grades. “And perhaps you may help us with our
problems,” Old Guy says, without, you know, spelling out what those problems
might be. Changing lightbulbs or
killing bugs I bet, or maybe cleaning the litter box.
Liara grabs Chapman’s arm and
leads him off stage, gabbing about “eat and rest” while Zeta looks on and lowers
her eyes (but in the opposite direction from before, in a directorial
flourish).
Cut to Chapman
tearing manly chunks of something that looks like a hank of fried chicken. Liara says it’s equivalent to
breadfruit. She also says it was
made chemically, since nothing grows on this sorry equivalent of a planet. She then hands him a cup of
tranquilizer. Well, she says
it’ll help him rest. Like this
movie is doing to me. Could we
please cue the attacking monstrosity please! THANK YOU. (It is important to be
polite.)
Liara says they here don’t need to eat much because of the
air. Oh okay then, glad that was
cleared up. Like acne. In other words, it wasn’t cleared up at
all.
Later, Liana watches Chapman awaken from his sleep. He admits he’s feeling better but still
wants to leave this paradise of the puny.
She counters that he’s strange, but he counter-counters that everyone
else is strange, also he doesn’t like how she pronounces his name so he corrects
her.
She spits out his
correct name, and he apologizes for “being so rough.” Then he says he wants to return to his
ship, if he had his druthers and all.
She says he can’t, he says that means he’s a prisoner, she says no, he
can go anywhere, but he counters with “except to my ship.”
She says that
the rocket was popped off the planet last night, when Chapman was
sleeping.
Well that’s a fine how-do-you-do! And we cut from Chapman’s angry face to
the ship floating in space, and then to the inside of the ship, where we hear
Chapman’s previous pre-crash dialogue, where he was taking about how he’s doomed
and all, with no navigation or instruments or anything like that. Stocky is mentioned as being “lost” and
then we see the ship drift some more.
In Colonel Moon’s realm, everyone is excited when the radar tech
spots a new blip. They’re all sure
it’s Chapman and they start blurting about all the cool reasons why. Also, nobody is supposed to be flying in
this area, too. So it all adds up
for these guys. It’s Chapman and
he’s back and everyone is happy…except, one guesses, Chapman, who is, after all,
not really back at all. At
all! He must be damning everything
at this moment.
Colonel Moon asks about “contact” and is told by the radar
cuties that there’s nothing but static.
He notes this as curious, but still clings to his theory that this has to
be Chapman, as it could not be anything else, ever. He phones some guy to come along and
prove stuff. Fade a bit, cut to a
model rocket ready to launch, and back to Colonel Moon who’s going to tell the
folks assembled on that rocket to get ready to launch. So, we’re in a rescuing mood I
guess. Okay then!
Colonel Moon
talks to folks to assure the launch is ready to go. He tells “Beacher” who is in the rocket
and ready to be hurled that “something unusual” must have happened to Chapman
and Stocky, so, get ready for unusual stuff! Okay! Hello! He tells Beacher and his co-pal that
space is important, and they have to find out things, so good luck and all
that. Beacher says they’ll do their
best. My arms itch even as I
type!
And the second ship lifts off and shoots through space, and drifts
along until it finds the Chapman ship, and they both stop like dogs sniffing
tails. And a guy does a spacewalk
toward the other ship, and it looks like it could be fun for daredevils, but
there is work to be done first!
Then thrills, we’re told.
So, he shoots over to the other ship,
and goes inside, and he closes the door and he hears the last bit of Chapman’s
log which is still playing after all this time. It repeats the bits previously heard
about being out of control, drifting toward an unknown asteroid, Stocky dead,
and so on.
Beacher listens,
then calls in and tells Major Moon that there’s no one on board. Major Moon says that’s impossible, but
they’re listening to the tape too, so it may all sort itself out. Beacher is ordered to come back and
bring the Chapman ship with him, “and good luck!”
And we fade to Chapman
writing something out on some paper or parchment or papyrus, or maybe a big ole
rock. It honestly doesn’t matter,
and pity those who think it does.
Brunette Lady is coming up behind him. Oops, it’s Liara (blonde, but lit
dark for this scene). Probably with
a bag of insects or sugared donuts or something. But no, she just stands there while he
chalks away. Finally, he throws his
chalk down and says he “can’t work under these conditions” and he needs to know
“more about the directional flight machine.” Me too.
”When the time comes,”
offers Liara.
”Well, the time has come!” he barks, and he demands to
speak to “Sesson” who, if these liquor drinks aren’t lying, might have been Old
Guy. At least, he’s important
enough to be demanded to be spoken to.
“Now!” adds Chapman.
And Liara takes him to meet Old Guy. Old Guy’s talking (silently) with Bad
Edit, but turns to talk to Chapman.
He asks if Chapman wants to talk about Liara (oopsie), but Chapman says
no, he wants to talk about the “gravity control.” Is that the same as the “directional
flight machine”? Bad Edit pulls Old
Guy aside. “It is too soon,” he
says. “How do we know he is not a
spy for the Solarites?” That’s sure
a reasonable question. I
guess. Solarites? Did we meet them or is the director
asleep again?
Old Guy dismisses these qualms and takes Chapman to see the
multi-named machine. Actually, he
just opens a screen and waves his hands over a console, and something out in
space—it looks like a hunk of trash--moves forward across the screen. Kind of looked like it was already
doing that anyway, but Chapman is sure impressed, and asks Old Guy how it
works.
”The high density of our planet makes it possible for us to
advance gravity and, therefore, antigravity theories,” Old Guy explains, I
guess.
”It’s beyond me,” Chapman says. He then says that Einstein was “working
on this problem” but he went and died.
Damn, and we were so close!
He asks what causes Raton’s density, while Liara and Bad Edit scowl at
each other in the background.
Old Guy explains, “The atoms on this planet
have narrower electronic orbits than the atoms on most other planets. The smaller they become, the easier it
is for us to control and take advantage of positive and negative gravity.” Damn, that is sure convenient! We see the space crap shoot forward, and
then back, and then forward again.
You must be THIS high to ride the space crap shoot-out!
Chapman asks why Raton is
getting smaller. Old Guy explains
that Raton is “slowly using up the energy that holds the atomic particles
together.”
”You mean, you might disintegrate into nothing,” Chapman
asks.
Old Guy confirms this dire fate. Hey, omelettes and eggs and stuff. Whatever. He does say it’ll be a while, so who
cares? Chapman chuckles and says
that folks on Earth are similarly cavalier about doom. But Old Guy alludes to the possibility
of “attack” and hints at enemies…and we fade as the space crap goes back into
space. Oh, good, glad you cut
away before we had a chance to get excited and stuff. I only brought the one change of
underwear.
Fade in as Chapman is walking along the rocky tunnels…with
their precisely carved doorways…and he comes to Brunette’s chamber rock, and her
open doorway. (This time it really is Brunette.) She’s lying on a rocky slab, waking up I
guess, and Chapman says, “Hello.”
She wakes up and stretches and comes
over to greet him. He tells her
he’s going to take a walk and asks if she’ll join him. She’s reluctant but accompanies. They walk through the corridors, and he
notes how this is the first time he’s had to “talk to her” alone. Since she can’t speak, I think this is a
joke? We see a quick shot of the
old giant space suit from which Chapman emerged, and the two of them stop to
talk next to it.
Chapman
asks why Brunette is “different” from the others, not just in being a mute but
in being “warmer” than the others.
He then says it wasn’t really a question anyway. Oh good. Also, that he knows she can’t answer,
anyway, but this sure is a strange world and everything. He doesn’t want to hurt anyone,
and neither does she, but Bad Edit heard all that and climbs out of the old
space suit and makes to follow.
Except we fade, and find Bad Edit making
“charges” against Chapman before Old Guy. He says Chapman is “imposing”
himself on both Liara and the mute Brunette. He also notes that he (Bad Edit) loves
Liara so this is a big deal. He
demands to challenge Chapman to “the duel.” And at that moment, Chapman, Liara,
Brunette and, um, slightly ominous music show up.
Chapman asks if he was sent for
and Old Guy says yep, he has reports about Chapman that “are not good.” Ooo, sounds serious! Have you noticed how exciting this
is? Because I haven’t. I haven’t noticed anything except
boring-ness. Of which this tiny
realm possesses giant handfuls of.
Damn! Ended on a
preposition.
Well, Bad Edit says Chapman has been “forcing his
attentions” on both Liara and Brunette, and they both deny this, but he says
they’re lying anyway. Could someone
toss this trouble-maker off his asteroid and end the movie? Chapman says he’d like to belt Bad
Edit a good one, and Old Guy says Bad Edit has challenged Chapman to the “Duel
of Raton.” It’s a “duel of
bravery” according to Liara. Well,
I didn’t think it was a “duel of banjos.”
Chapman accepts and we fade. Some other guy is explaining the rules,
which is basically fisticuffs around “gravity plates” which will disintegrate
anyone placed on them. The
explaining guy demonstrates with a boulder, and Liara gets incredibly
excited. I mean, she’s in the
background and all, but you can’t help but note it. Explaining Guy says they’re to use poles
to push the opponent onto the gravity plate. Since Chapman has about a foot on Bad
Edit, this shouldn’t take long. Why
do I have the feeling it will?
There’s only one pole between the guys, so
it’s kind of like tug-o-war, only more of a shove-o-war. So, they start, and they struggle and
stuff. Chapman wins, but he doesn’t
push Bad Edit onto the plate. “I
don’t want to kill you,” he says, “I never did.” And he walks away while Bad Edit looks
like he is totally shamed and probably gonna commit some kind of ritual
suicide. Liara puts her arm around
Chapman and leads him away, and Brunette looks pretty ticked-off at this
event.
Liara notes how Bad Edit would have killed Chapman, but she loves
Chapman. Chapman says that if she
“felt anything for either one of us, you could have stopped this duel.” He then theorizes that she’d have
happily told either winner that he was the best ever. He then goes on to say that he’s pretty
sure he doesn’t like her much.
Well, this is sure to cause trouble. Chapman, you dolt, you’ve been watching
too many Hercules movies. As you
can imagine, she’s not happy about this.
He goes on to make some talk
about how love has to come naturally, but you can tell she’s all cheesed
off. He asks her to help him return
to his own kind, and she (pretty evilly) agrees to help him.
Fade, and fade in as Bad Edit is
waving a knife over the sleeping Chapman’s face. Chapman, you are such an idiot. Chapman wakes up and notes the knife,
but Bad Edit says he won’t kill him, he’s going to help Chapman leave the
planet. Chapman notes the
whole “tiny person” thing, and Bad Edit says that the oxygen tanks in the old
suit hold air from Chapman’s world, and that might restore him. Bad Edit wants to get Chapman off the
Phantom Planet before the Earth people come here and, I guess, stomp all the
tinies.
Chapman says fine, then notes that Bad Edit loves Liara. He admits this, and says that maybe with
Chapman gone, Liara will love him too. Chapman asks how they can get his
suit where he can get into it and be rescued by Earth people. “I have some men I can trust,” says Bad
Edit. Also, Old Guy “must never
know” about this.
Does this
sound really bad to anyone other than me?
Yes, I mean this Bad Edit plot, but I also mean the whole movie. On the other hand, Bad Edit just had a
knife to a sleeping Chapman’s throat, he could have killed him and dumped the
body, then claimed Chapman went back to Earth, and saved himself a whole bunch
of work. This he did not
do.
Fade, and Bad Edit explains how he is in charge of the Master Control
center two nights a week, and one night, he’ll maneuver the planet near Earth’s
Moon, and I guess Chapman can pop off then. Sounds fine to
everyone.
Suddenly, a shrill whine sounds, and this time, it’s not the
movie giving me a headache! It’s an
alarm of some kind. From nowhere,
Brunette runs up and grabs Bad Edit’s arm.
Then everyone runs off to where Old Guy is. Chapman wants to know what’s
happening. Old Guy says they’re
being attacked, and just to stretch the running time, it’s up to Bad Edit to say
they’re being attacked by “Solarites.”
See, they’ve stayed in one place too long and the Solarites have found
them! What a clever trap!
Chapman asks about who the
Solarites are, and Bad Edit has no time.
Chapman asks, right in front of Old Guy, if this will kill their (Chapman
and Bad Edit) plans, and Bad Edit just kind of looks at him like, “Not now, not
now!”
The viewscreen shows that space crap from a while ago, and it goes
away, and some attacking firebombs show up and attack! Everyone waves over consoles, and
the space crap floats, um, after the firebombs pass the screen…but this
works. Huzzah. Old Guy says they’re safe “for the
moment.” Well, good, glad we missed
any kind of excitement.
Chapman again asks about Solarites, and Old Guy
and Bad Edit fill him in. Seems
they’re from a “Sun satellite” and want the gravity control. They can use this to keep from being
tugged into the Sun, and if they can avoid that, they’ll conquer everyone,
including “your Earth”! Old
Guy tells Liara to show Chapman “the prisoner.”
So, they walk through
some halls and see a Solarite behind some kind of force field. He kind of looks like a humanoid
bloodhound, with big glowing eyes.
And a huge exposed brain.
And a mean streak, at least as far as concerns rocks tossed at
disintegration fields. As Liara
explains the force field to Chapman, we can also see that the creature has huge
spiked shoulders. “He could kill us
all if he escaped,” Liara notes.
Chapman mentions how Earth folk have
always wondered about life on other planets, and Liara says, “There are many
inhabited worlds, but only these fire-people bother us.” And we get another close-up of the
Solarite, just in case we thought he was convincing or something. Okay, we’re not convinced. Great! Let’s have the Solarites destroy
everything soon, okay, so we can go home.
I’m getting tired of this.
Also sleepy.
We fade, and fade in as Chapman and Liara are
arriving back at cave central with Bad Edit and Old Guy. Someone on the radio is saying that the
enemy are concentrating themselves into formation “six” which is much worse than
“two” I guess. We see several
fiery balls pass in front of the viewscreen and everyone laconically notes how
new this is. “We must try to break
up the attack,” Old Guy reasons.
In space, we see the Phantom Planet,
just kind of sitting there, and a bunch of fiery balls menace it from the
left. We see a close up of
one of the flaming ships, which looks like a chess piece being burned to a
crisp, and inside, a Solarite is in the flames squealing like a pig. It almost looks less like an invasion
than a barbecue delivery service.
Old Guy waves his hands over the most impressive of the glowing
globes. And the Phantom Planet moves away,
while the Solarites squeal after it.
There are two fleets of Solarites, and they seem to cross one another and move
on before the Phantom Planet even gets to where they were…what the hell kind of a plan
is this? The Solarites don’t seem
to have much on the ball, really.
Hey, there’s an idea! Throw
a giant rubber ball and the Solarites will bark and chase it!
Inside,
they discuss outrunning or fighting.
Old Guy says they are tired of running, they should settle this once and
for all, “living in constant danger isn’t worthy of us.” Bad Edit notes they still have the gravity
control, but Old Guy notes the Solarites have “heat bombs” which can blow
up the Phantom Planet instantly. Old Guy
asks “What would you do?” and Bad Edit says he would fight, and when Old Guy
asks again, Chapman says he would fight too. Old Guy says that’s his choice too. Liara looks really happy at this
turn. This gal would LOVE the WWE
and NASCAR.
So Old Guy and Bad
Edit wave their hands over the globes to maneuver the Phantom Planet to attack
position. We
see the Phantom Planet do this. You
know what the Phantom Planet looks like? A
piece of fried chicken, what they usually called Chicken Fingers. Maybe that’s what the Solarites
want. Fried chicken.
I do have to admit, the model
work in this is pretty good. The fried
chicken…I mean, Phantom Planet…turns and spins and retreats nicely. Old Guy tells Bad Edit to tell
everyone to get ready to do what they gotta do and all. I mean, fight the Solarites. Not play the blues or go on the stage or
like that. Bad Edit says, “All
units! Prepare for frontal
attack!” Not frontal nudity, no,
“attack” was they word they used.
The fried chicken…I mean, Phantom Planet…turns to face the Solarite
pursuers. And the Solarites shoot little
animated rays at the Phantom Planet, which again is fairly impressive effects
work. And the Phantom Planet launches a
devastating counter attack! Well,
no, they don’t. They sit there and
get shot at and the Solarites fly off to make a second run.
Which they do. And a third and a fourth run, too. They keep shooting their rays, and the
Phantom Planet does nothing to defend itself. Okay, I’m lost here. What was the plan again?
We cut
to the Solarite in its force-field prison.
Two guesses what happens here.
Sure enough, the lights start flickering.
But not flickering enough,
because we’re back outside watching ray after ray strike the Phantom Planet. Sometimes lots of rays at once. And then, in a brief cut, we see the
Solarite’s prison shield short out.
Uh oh!
”Activate the gravity curtain!” says Old Guy. And I hope if that doesn’t work, they’re
ready with the gravity drapes and the gravity venetian blinds as a back-up. Outside, a series of concentric waves
envelops the attacking Solarite ships and they all explode! Yay! As Liara almost squeals with joy as she
grabs Chapman, Old Guy is instantly down with them too to celebrate their
victory over the dogs. Bad Edit,
too, looks at Chapman like “Man, you are the one! Good job!” Even though Chapman did, cough,
nothing. Still, he said he would
help, I guess that’s enough, right?
”I’m deeply plagued with regret when
I’m forced to destroy,” says Old Guy, interjecting the obligatory “bummer!”
note.
”If it wasn’t them, it would’ve been you,” Chapman
counters.
”Perhaps you are right,” Old Guy notes. “You are wise, Chapman. One day you and Haran will lead our
people.”
”I’m honored and I’m grateful—“ Chapman starts to
object.
”I will teach him all he needs to know,” Bad Edit says. I hope that will include who “Haran” is
because I’ve forgotten.
I haven’t forgotten the Solarite, though, and
neither has he forgotten the force-field.
He tosses a boulder at it, and the boulder doesn’t disintegrate, so he
has probably figured out that he is free now. Free to eat fried chicken! After making doubly and triply
sure that he is no longer encaged, he steps out and plans the havoc he might
wreak.
Back at central
control, they note the absence of the mute girl (who went off to sleep). Old Guy says sleep sounds good to him,
too, so he’s off to its tender embrace.
Everyone thinks sleep is good, including your reviewer! But I am denied this
pleasure.
Because after we
follow Old Guy off to his bed, we cut to the Solarite up to no good, then to
Brunette writhing in her sleep.
Sure enough, we pan back, and the Solarite shows up and looks around, and
eventually spots Brunette.
He stands there a bit, then slowly approaches, then brushes her hair, hen
the lights flicker, and he leaves.
Then she wakes up, and walks around, and in the dark, she touches
him, and he touches her, and this generally gets tense. She, being a mute, can’t scream of
course. He has some sucker-ended
fingers which he is slowly moving toward her….finally, she faints and he carries
her off. For rather a long
time. Then, he seems to get
confused about something…he stops and looks around in alarm. So he puts her down.
And along
comes Old Guy, lost in thought.
Solarite puts the sucky fingers on him, and he yells out
“Aaaagh!”
Back in the central cave, quick-witted Chapman asks, “What was
that?”
”Over there!” says Bad Edit, pointing, so they (and Liara) rush
off to see. They find Old Guy a bit
dazed (Solarite, bored I guess, has wandered off) and rush to his aid. In response to their questions (“Was it
the Solarite?” “Did you see him?”) he is less than helpful: “I don’t know…it was
terrible.”
In the mean time, the Solarite has carried Brunette to the
central cave, where all the controls are.
Uh oh! He puts her down on a
table and starts screwing around with important things, and you know that can’t
be good! He does look like a bad
dog when he does it, though.
Chapman goes to the control room and finds Brunette, and when the
Solarite is about to jump them both, she screams (yay!) but not before he shoves
Chapman hard. Bad Solarite! No biscuit! He then advances slowly on Chapman, who
(pardon me while I yawn) is probably going to lure him onto one of those
disintegration plates from a while ago.
Bad Edit shows up, yells, “Watch
the plates!” and he and Chapman play tag with the Solarite while Brunette
screams. Eventually, the two guys
get the Solarite to stand nicely on the deadly plate and he disintegrates. They look and gesture at this outcome
until we fade.
And we fade in as Chapman and Bad Edit are talking about
returning Chapman to his own world.
And this seems like a good talk.
And all good, and stuff. And
we fade to later when Mute Brunette comes into Chapman’s cube and thanks him,
and he is all surprised about how she can talk. She explains how the fear she had
recently made her talkable.
They talk about how this is great an all, and they kiss. Yes! Awesome! Blah! Chapman says something below the level
of human hearing (he is tiny) but I think it has to do with shrinking and hearts
and stuff. She counters that she’s never been able to express these feelings
because she couldn’t talk which would make such things tough anyway.
He says he has to leave, too
bad, but there’s another kiss and stuff.
Fade to the two of them showing up in Bad Edit’s shift at the
control room. He’s happy to see
them both and notes the pressing of time.
As Chapman and Mute look forlorn, we fade to some rocket footage.
And inside this rocket are two
guys who are being called by the Lunar Base. They answer. Lunar Base tells them they’ve picked up
readings for a giant asteroid. One
of the guys immediately leaps to the conclusion that this is “the Phantom
Planet!” so they ask for directions.
They’re told they should land and investigate. Fade to Chapman and Brunette.
”I
hope you find happiness back with your people,” Brunette says.
”You would
be my happiness, if you were there,” Chapman mutters.
She gives him a
rock, saying it will be a good luck charm.
She says that (somehow) this will make his journey back more safe. Okay. They chat a bit more, then Bad Edit
shows up. He says that the rocket
is on its way, and it won’t crash because the best guy is on gravity
control. And they’re ready
to put Chapman hack in his suit and turn on the oxygen.
“You know, we’ve become friends
here,” Chapman tells them both, “Good friends. We would have become friends
anywhere. Your planet, or my
Earth.” He offers his hand. “I wish you and Liara much
happiness.” Bad Edit smiles, shakes
hands, and then walks off without saying anything. Then Chapman walks off, leaving Brunette
behind.
He walks over to his suit and shakes Bad Edit’s hand again—is he
running for office or something?
Then he starts taking off his clothes because they’d be too tiny to
survive his ascent into behemothitude. The cover of his helmet is closed,
and the oxygen turned on, and the suit inflates and Chapman’s face grows into
the faceplate window.
We
get a swirly effect as he remembers scenes from previous in the picture. This goes on for
rather a while, but I guess it's there because in the theatre the ushers would
be going around waking people up and the patrons would want to know what they've
missed. (Answer: not much.) Then a normal human astronaut leans over
the sleeping Chapman and shakes him awake.
He radios back that he found Chapman, but “there’s no trace of McHonen”
who I guess was the chunky guy Chapman flew with.
Chapman staggers to his feet and
confirms Chunky’s death. He asks
where the “others” are and names several of the wee folk. Astronaut doesn’t know any of these
names and probably thinks Chapman is space-happy. As they walk back to the ship, Astronaut
tells the guy still on board everything that Chapman just said. Good lord, the repetition in this
film…
Astronaut tells Chapman he’s lucky and all that, but Chapman keeps
babbling about little people.
Astronaut tells him he needs rest.
And so do the rest of us, damn it.
Fade to the inside of the ship, as Chapman is put into a spare
space chair, and preparations for launch are made. Some dolt asks Chapman how he feels, and
as expected this gives forth a large venting of half-sentences.
”I don’t know…I don’t
understand…it’s unbelievable.”
There’s more chatter, then Chapman takes
the lucky rock out of his pocket.
See, that proves it all happened and it wasn’t just a dream.
We get the entire countdown
before liftoff, and then we see the rocket in space, and then we see a view of
the Phantom Planet receding into the distance and the music swells and can it be
over, please?
”What then, will the future reveal?” asks a narrator. “If this story is only the beginning, is
only the beginning, only the beginning.”
Sure enough, the title THE BEGINNING shoots
out at us, and that would be really mean if this film still had a bunch of hours
left to go. Fortunately, it does not and we're
done.
Well, there's not a lot that can be said about this. Sure,
I've seen worse. Much worse. But I've seen better, too. This
one...slow-moving and repetitive, it didn't seem to know what to do with anything that
might be exciting, like the battle, or the escape of the Solarite. Both
those things occurred in the latter part of the film, and they seem shoe-horned
in, like nervous producers insisted on a monster after test audiences for
"Planet of Discussions" fell asleep in droves.
In fact, it
honestly wouldn't surprise me if this was the case. There were all sorts
of sub-plots, like Liana's scheming, that started up and went nowhere, as if the
whole movie was planned as a kind of "palace intrigue" thing. As other
reviewers (Bill Warren, for one) have noted, it feels like a serial--most
serials were full of repetition and talk, because those were cheap to produce
and since the chapters were only fifteen minutes or so, who would care?
The main feature would start up anyway and the serial would be forgotten until
next week. Besides, as I have noted elsewhere in these pages, serials
seemed to need to have very little happen in the middle two-thirds, because what
if someone missed one of those chapters? Hence, while a lot
"happened," not a lot of it really mattered much.
All in all, I can't really say there's anything worth your
while in this. The acting is pretty cliche (though largely serviceable), the story is dull and
slow-moving, the ideas are largely old-hat and the "exciting" bits seem
purposely drained of any real excitement. The poor Solarite looked
as if he wanted to join in the discussions, not wreak the half-hearted havoc he
wrought. Some nice model work does
not a compelling movie make, though I guess if you had to watch this it's at
least something. The Solarite...well, he was interesting looking, all
right, though he looked like he stepped right out of a Dr. Seuss book. Not
exactly the most fear-inducing thought, yes?
Alas, for all the good intentions on display, the
"entertainment" part is the real phantom
here.