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Say, what do you suppose that title, King of Kong Island, is supposed to remind us of? Gosh, it sure seems familiar in a kind of way...what could it be? “King Island”? No...”Island Kong”? That sounds a little familiar.   “Of”?   Hey, maybe that's it!

We start out with a jeep roaring across the desert to the sound of drums, thumb piano and other percussion.   Say, is this taking place in Africa? A freeze-frame of the front of the jeep shows the sign “East Africa Mineral Company” rendered in magic marker on cardboard.   On board this jeep are a black driver, a white guy with a tie, and two guys wearing the kind of hats that Mexican laborers usually wear.

They come to what looks like an abandoned jeep blocking the road, and stop, and as they do, some guy with a beret jumps from behind and points a gun at them, and tells them “Hold it!”

They don't, and some other folks (another guy with a beret and sunglasses, and a guy with a beard but no hat) shoot everyone in the jeep. Beret yells at them to stop, asks if they're “crazy,” but to no avail. Everyone we began this picture with is dead! If that's not depressing, I don't know depression, and I do.

Beret tells Glasses “that wasn't necessary,” but Glasses just laughs it off, saying that the payroll money will help ease everyone's conscience. It's three hundred thousand dollars! Now, am I crazy, or is that a lot of money to be transporting in one jeep with no guardian vehicles or any kind of better security?

Anyway, No-Hat Bearded Guy talks about how the money is all great, and then Glasses shoots him. And then Glasses shoots Beret. But as Glasses speeds off, Beret struggles to get up, as it turns out he was only lightly killed. He struggles a bit, hears a siren song like that from several
Prehistoric Planets (some with Women), then collapses again, and we get the credits and the siren turns into a pop song. Brad Harris and Marc Lawrence are in this, I think I've heard of them though to be honest those aren't exactly exotic names. And the title, instead of being “King of Kong Island” is just “Kong Island.” Either that, or this is the weirdest cropping of a Cinerama film ever.

(Psychotronic also lists the film as "King of Kong Island," while Jabootu reviewed it as "Kong Island," also noting--as does the IMDB--that it's also called "Eva, la Venere Selvaggia.")

The rest of the credits have names that are just too damn Anglicised to be real. Based on that third title listed above, I'm betting this was made by Italians. And sure enough, the music is by Robert Pregadio, the cinematographer is Mario Mancini and the director is one “Robert Morris.” Yeah right.

Now that that's over, we get weird electronic noises and a bright light. Two doctors appear to be doing an operation in a cave. One asks if the other is ready, and he replies in the affirmative, and we see some electrical apparatus because you just can't see enough of that. Can you.

Well, the doctors reach for scapels and such, and then they are working on this really, really gross looking ear. The one in Blue Velvet looks edible compared to this one, it's all bluish and rotten looking. And they're swabbing behind it. Then they cut into the latex, I mean, flesh, and it oozes tomato sauce, I mean, blood. We hear breathing and heartbeat all though this, so I'm assuming this isn't some dead creature they're cutting on. And more swabbing, and finally, they grab a little capacitor and plant it behind this ear.

Oh, I bet this ear belongs to an ape of some type.

(By the way, every time these doctors are through with their implements, we get a nice shot of them cleaning said implements. Which is a very good lesson to teach youngsters, about keeping their stuff clean and put back in its proper place. It's so much easier to clean when it's right there, because if you delay too long everything hardens and it gets all ghoulbus. So this film is educational already.)

Our doctors are now sewing up the simian skin, which is intercut, something going into and out of focus. It looks like a view through a disecting microscope, with one arm pointed toward the center. Just keeping you informed, you know.

They're done with the sewing, so they remove their masks (the second guy seems to have some trouble with this) and we pull back from the patient and see it is, in fact, a gorilla. It seems rather unhappy, and why not, as it has all kinds of electrodes and wires all over its head like a kind of nightmareish orthodontic appliance.

But enough of that, as we cut to some woman singing while sweeping a porch. A fat guy with a beard comes out of a room and tells her to “hurry up.” He then goes to a wet bar, doesn't get a drink, and the bar guy watches him leave. Man, that was completely thrilling.

Beard goes through another door, and we're hearing some other woman talking behind a closed door. Beard (not the same guy from the opening) opens the door, and we see a woman dressed in a aqua nightgown, talking to someone. She introduces Beard to this new guy, who might be Beret. Beard says he's glad to see him, but thought Beret left Africa for good after his “accident.”

Aqua hands them both drinks, and she's only wearing a bikini (or underwear) beneath her robe.

Well, Beret says that he left Africa, but there's no work for “us mercenaries” anywhere, so he thought he'd come back to Nairobi to his old friends (which I guess are Beard and Aqua). He asks what's up and stuff. Beard says, not much. Beret asks about “Albert” and Aqua echoes my thoughts when she says “Which one's he?”

Well, “Albert” was Beret's “Mad doctor friend” (uh oh) according to Beard, and (to sum up) no one knows where he is now. Both guys here thought the other one knew, but they don't. So there. Beret is looking for him, as he wants to ask him about “this” and he shows the bullet wound he got in that first sequence. The camera zooms right into this wound, which lousy make-up effect ain't helping the suspension of disbelief. Beret then leaves the room, and he smiles and listens in as Beard and Aqua start arguing loudly about “You're up to your old tricks,” and “What's he doing here,” both said by Beard. Aqua only answers the second one (after calling Beard stupid) by repeating that Beret wants Albert. Beard says that Aqua is still in love with Beret (news to me) and she tells him to “Forget that!”

Consider it forgotten, lady.

Beard warns her about double-crossing him. Aqua tells him, that Beret is the one he should be careful of. Out in the hallway, Beret grins at this and moves on.

Behind another door, he hears a female voice talking about using guns, how some are uncomfortable and some aren't. Beret opens the door and says “Hi Diana,” and she yells, “Look who's here!” and runs and gives him a big hug. (Who she was talking to before isn't clear. Maybe she was practicing for a lecture.)

As it turns out, her brother, Robert, was in the room, and he playfully sneaks up behind Beret. Everyone's really happy to see everyone else. Diane informs Beret that tomorrow she's going out to hunt “sacred monkeys” which sounds like a bad idea just from the sound of it. I mean, that's bound to cause trouble with whoever considers them sacred, isn't it?

Oh, and it also turns out these monkeys are only seen in the “forbidden part of the jungle—forbidden to white men.” Gosh, that just makes it seem all the more attractive! Yes, send me some brochures next time you're going and I'll be right along with you!

Of course, if the film goes there too, I guess I am coming along. Okay, just ignore that voice muttering about how this is a bad idea. It's just me. I get moody like that sometimes.

Just to add to the mix, Diane also said that they can't let her father know they're going there, as she promised not to (“I had my fingers crossed” is how she wriggles out of this little oath).

“Why don't you come with us?” asks Robert to Beret. “It'll be a helluvalotta fun,” he dubs awkwardly. But Beret refuses.

“Firearms make me sick,” he says, and everyone says, wow, you've changed. He asks how “the old place” is and is told no one ever comes around any more (they're probably all out hunting sacred monkeys) except one fellow, “Turk.” “I'm sure you knew him,” says Robert, in response to Beret's query.

“You remember, Albert's friend, the one with the scar on his face,” says Robert.

Beret looks worried, and says, yeah, I remember, and we zoom into a wooden Peter Lorre mask. Well...that's what it looks like!

And we cut to some other masks, but they're not readily identifiable as celebrities. Turns out they're just decorations at a party where some folks (including Aqua) are dancing to some groovy rock rhythms. She walks past a table with Beard, who asks her to sit down with him and some guy we've never seen before. She refuses, and goes off to chat with Beret. She tells him that the guy sitting with Beard has been eyeing him, Beret, for some time.

“Too bad,” says Beret, “he's not my type.”

“Watch your step,” Aqua says, and walks off.

We get a quick shot of Beard's Pal eyeing Beret again. Then Diana shows up, and persuades Beret to buy her a drink. They walk past Beard's table, and Beard asks if there's any way to persuade Beret to come along with HIM on HIS safari. Boy, this fella Beret's popular!

Beret laughs and says it's more dangerous in this room than it is in the jungle. (From the angle where Beard's Pal is sitting, he could not possibly see Beret where he was sitting.) Oh, we also learn that Diana is Beard's daughter.

We get some more of the worst dancing I've seen in a long time. All done to a groovy organ combo. The camera shakes and bumps with the dancers, making it all pretty confusing and probably making the dancing look worse than it is. One thing's for sure, Beret is utterly awful at dancing. He looks like some guy desperately trying to be hep and with-it, and utterly failing.

Then, he sees this “Turk” fellow, as it's a guy with a beard and a scar on his face (though on the opposite side from where Robert indicated). They both look at each other with recognition, and then Turk leaves. Beret follows, and goes outside. But that Turk is a wiley fellow, he's nowhere in sight. Beret goes on for a moment more, suddenly he's surrounded by several guys with machetes. “Howdy!” one of them says, but his manner (and his machete) don't make him appear very friendly. They all grab him and hustle him off somewhere.

Sitting in a chair is Turk, who orders the men to “do it.” They prepare to decapitate Beret, but there's still some fight in the old boy, and he beats the three guys to the ground. Turk, noting how his forces are losing, cowardly slips away.

One of the guys is sneaking up on Beret, when Beard's Pal sneaks up behind him, and hits him (not Beret) with a rock. Together, he and Beret put paid to this guy. The other two Turk thugs get up and follow Turk's example of scooting.

Beret thanks Pal for helping out. He says, “My pleasure.” Maybe this is Robert again? Hell, I don't know. It's somebody I'm sure. Beret walks off a bit, and there's Diana.

“You're right, it's the men, not the animals that are the real danger,” she says.

“Right now, it's men, and not animals that I'm going to settle with,” he replies.

She agrees that this is sound thinking, but then asks him anyway to come hunting with them. All during this, soft flute music plays. They talk about love a bit.

And we cut to a pair of jeeps trundling along the savanah, while Italian travelogue music plays. They see some stock footage of elephants and remark about how exciting it all is.

Diana wonders if there really is a sacred monkey, and Robert explains that it's just a legend. Hey, thanks for busting everyone's bubble. Now that I can see him in the sunlight, he is not the one who came to Beret's aid. Apparently, that guy just showed up, helped out Beret, then walked out of the picture? Well, we haven't seen who's in the second jeep yet...

Robert recommends that they keep to the “beaten path” and Diana is unhappy about this. She asks if he thinks there's any real danger, and he says of course not, but you know, he's probably a wuss as well as a party-poop.

He says there's no reason to go all that distance to shoot a “legend,” and she says that shooting ordinary game is no fun at all. I quite agree! Let's shoot something extraordinary, like liquor drinks.

Well, it has been several days between that last sentence and this one, and as you can probably tell, the fires of enthusiasm have dimmed quite a bit. But, let's press on, shall we.


We continue where we were, with Diana and her brother Robert driving along, looking at wildlife. Diana observes, re: her previous remark about no fun just shooting regular animals, that everyone loves doing unusual things. She then spots some stock-footage lions.

“They didn't even condescend to look at us,” says Robert, and while Diana laughs, I think, those lions aren't fools.

And more nature footage. If it wasn't shot from a jeep rattling all over Hell's half-acre, it would be decent stock footage; as it is, you look at a herd of something crossing the road, and think, Are those springboks, or hyenas, or tapirs or what? It's shot that raggedly.

And the happy music doesn't help at all.

Well, our jeeps continue down the road. And keep going. And going. It's like that damn bunny from that commercial, only it's jeeps and there's nothing of interest about it. At least the bunny commercial usually has action of some kind.

Finally, they stop and unload their stuff. To menacing bongo and electric guitar music, some guy with a beard watches our party from a distance. Oh, and there's some thumb piano too. Our binocular guy (maybe Turk, it's hard to tell) helps us to realize that Diana fills out a pair of slacks quite nicely. He then pans over to the jeep's license plate, gets an evil grin on his face, puts down the binoculars, and moves out of frame.

Well, the hunting party is moving trough the jungle. There's some animal that sounds like a small chainsaw being revved up. The wonders of nature never cease to astound etc.

And we continue through the jungle for a while. Man, these folks are getting their miles in. I sure wish I knew what that chainsaw creature is.

The party comes across a lion cub and a leopard cub, playing together nicely. They stop and chuckle at this for a while, then the happy music starts up again, and we move on. Gotta make ten miles a day, you know. But then Diana stops to shoot another leopard.

Again, this nature footage is terrible. It's all hand-held and jerky as the Dickens.

Diana misses, so Robert goes in to find the leopard, but he gives up. He returns to Diana, and in what is certain to be an important bit of business later, he tightens up her bracelet and tells her to be careful, or she'll lose it. The experienced viewer...well, he's asleep so try to keep it down. The rest of us are all saying “Ah HA!” but in a whisper so as not to wake the experienced viewer. You know how he is when he's tired.

Anyway, the two hunters move on to join the rest of the crew. We get more footage of the bearers carrying heavy things through the foliage, because, you know, you just can't see too much of that sort of thing. So I'm guessing, anyway, because we're sure seeing a lot of it.

Experienced hunter Diana, who's after more and more exotic game, says she's exhausted, can't they stop somewhere? Robert says that “Melinda” (I can't have heard that right) says that “there's a campsite right over there.”

Amazingly enough, we cut to a campfire, and pull back to see a guy tending it and several tents already set up. It seems to be night-time, too. You mean, they cheated us out of all the setting-up-the-camp-and-starting-the-fire scenes? Those bastards but what can you do, let's hold onto our seats for the thrills sure to come our way!

Robert complements “Malumba” on his culinary skills, so I bet that's what I was supposed to hear when I heard “Melinda.” Just clearing that up. I mean, nothing else exciting is happening.

Diana again talks about her exhaustion, and Robert says that she's a “beginner.” A beginner who is tired of hunting the same old same old. Look, just go with it, okay? Please? Mr. Muckle, dear?

Some muttering among the bearers catches the attention of our experienced beginners. Robert goes over to plumb the depths of the men's misgivings, and Malumba says that his men refuse to go any further, “they say...there's a powerful evil spirit, and it follows the sacred monkey.”

Robert says he'll double everyone's pay, and wants Malumba to have the men ready at dawn. And just in case you were in doubt about this movie's Italian-nature, we zoom in on a lantern.

Then cut to this same lantern, as Diana is inside a tent, taking off her boots. Don't get excited, guys, that's as far as it goes.

Outside, we get another sting from an electric guitar, and some bushes part to ape! Not a bad mask, but clearly a mask. And then there's another, slightly worse mask, and we cut inside to Diana unbuttoning her shirt. Then back outside with the apes, and we see Diana continue to undress, as a silhouette on the side of her cave. You darn, rotten film. Just to rub our noses in this, we zoom in on one of the ape's noses. Thanks a bunch, guys. I'm not really a fan of gratuitous nudity, but I am a fan of having something of interest happen in a movie. If there's nothing else, like in this movie, then I'll take gratuitous nudity please.

Inside the tent, Diana is, of course, fully dressed in her night-things. She looks at the camera and screams, and a guy in an ape suit is there in the doorway! Diana faints, and in the classic cinematic tradition of apes in movies from the beginning of time, he gathers her up in his arms and carries her off into the night. Just as they leave the tent, we zoom in on her bracelet lying on the ground! YES! We all thought so, didn't we?

Sorry, experienced moviegoer, we'll try to keep it down.

Robert appears at the door to his tent, and an ape pops up and slugs him a good one. The bearers, hearing the commotion, decide now is a good time to run in all directions in a panic, and they proceed to do this. The apes run amok a bit to add to the cinematic magic.

And then we cut to some boots walking through the foliage, slowly and surely. Step by step. Inch by inch. And then we cut to what these boots are seeing (um), which is a dead Malumba and a beat-up Robert.

Robert looks up and sees the guy who had the binoculars earlier. He calls this guy “Turk” so I guess he was the same guy who wanted to kill Beret.

“Now remember this,” Turk says. “Diana's life depends on you. Go back to Nairobi—immediately. Explain what happened—to your father. And say, that if he wants his daughter back alive, there's only one way to get her.”

We cut to the ape carrying Diane through the jungle. Walking through the jungle, can't get enough of that, can you.

Cut to Robert (I assume, it's just a pair of bare feet) picking up Diana's bracelet.

And suddenly, we're back in civilization, where Robert...what? Yes, we didn't see any of the return footage. Yes, that does mean we missed out on a lot of traipsing through the underbrush, and then driving on dirt roads in a jeep. No, I don't know what you can do about it. No, I don't know where you can write a letter of complaint.

Anyway, Robert is saying that when he appeared at the tent (and got socked by an ape), Diana was already being carried off. We pull out and see he's talking to Beret.

Robert goes on to explain that the apes' raid was almost human, that they behaved as if they “had a plan,” and that it was almost as if they were actors in costumes. Okay, he didn't say the last bit.

“I know you may think this is stupid of me...they behaved as if they had a plan, that had all been prearranged, I don't know, as if they were some kind of robots!”

“Hm, robots,” says Beret. “If you say so. It's hard to believe a story like that.”

“You know that when gorillas are mad, they go berzerk and smash everything, whereas these two apes stopped when they kidnapped her.” The dubbing here is really, reall bad, by the way.

Beard shows up, asks Beret if he's heard the news, tells Beret that he (Beret) will have to do something, as there's no one else he (Beard) can turn to.

Beret thinks it's “too late.”

“But if she's still alive, it wouldn't be the first time that gorillas have spared their prey,” Beard says. He asks Robert how the whole Persuading Beret to Help thing is going.

Robert lights a cigarette, says “What's the point. [Beret] really doesn't want to help. We'll look for Diana ourselves.”

“You haven't got a hope of finding her,” Beret says. “I'm not going.”

Beard holds out a smallish wad of cash and says he'll pay anything. (He points out that he would lead the safari himself were he younger.) But Beret just shakes his head.

Robert stands up. “There's something I didn't tell you,” he says, looking mighty guilty. “I was afraid you wouldn't believe me. I saw Turk out there.”

Speed-zoom into Beret's face. “Are you sure?”

“I've never been surer.” Well...yes. He was right there, and everything. He explains how he woke up, and Turk was right there, and everything. “I'm convinced he's behind it,” he says. “The kidnapping,” he clarifies. Well...yes. Didn't Turk kind of imply that? Imply, hell, he pretty much admitted it. Can't you get to the point and be kind of straightforward and all, Robert? I can't imagine what your story was like when you left out that whole “Turk” part. And no, I'm not really interested in hearing it. It was just a casual remark.

Well, this changes Beret's mind. “I've changed my mind,” he announces. Beard is grateful, in that kind of Beard way of his.

Beard gives Beret his whole wad of cash. Beret tells Robert to get ready for...safari! (Cue music.) (Okay, actually not.)

Robert's acting kind of like, I'm Getting Beret in Trouble. Beard asks him what's wrong.

“Keep your confidence to yourself,” Robert snaps. And we get another zoom, folks (collect them all for swell prizes) into the eye of one of those masks.

Cut to the saloon, where Beret orders a whiskey. Oh good, I was hoping we'd have some pointless scenes to pad out the running time.

And from the way he's framed (over on the left side of the screen) we figure someone else is going to show up, and it's Aqua. She asks for a whiskey too, and tells Beret “I bet you're on your way to rescue Diana.” Well, heck, small town and all, I'm sure news travels fast.

Aqua tells Beret that she likes him better than Beard. Then, “Watch your step. You may find that it's actually violate ancient taboos. Careful, don't say anything,” she finishes.

He tells her he wants to talk to her, but she leaves. He thanks her for the advice.

And we cut to Beret, Robert and some bearers in...a boat! Ha ha, you thought I was going to say jeep, as that would be sensible, since Diana and party were riding in jeeps, across the savannah, and through the jungle, and never got near any water. Nonetheless, we're in a boat now. Are we perhaps going to see the “Island” of the title?

And Beret and Robert are pointing out more wonders of nature for us. We get some more happy music, but the nature footage is more steady this time. Birds, an alligator, hippos.

“Wish that it was me in there swimming,” Beret notes after seeing these last.

A hippo chases an alligator into the water.

Apparently, during that shot and now, we docked, and we're now deep in the jungle again. Ah, Africa, land of a thousand surprises.

“Something moving, “ Beret notes. “Ah, probably a Python.” Well, I would imagine it's just Eric Idle. But then we cut to footage of some snake! What the hell?

Robert wants to shoot it (it's just kind of schmoozing along a tree branch, not being a menace), but Beret tells him not to kill it.

Instead, they'll all just walk under it. Oh, that sounds like fun.

As they do, we pan rapidly back to maybe ten yards behind them, and see some guy in one of those Australian bush hats. The music tells us he's up to no good, but...who the hell is he? He has a unibrow, so he might be Turk, but Turk had a beard I think, so unless he had a shave just to throw us all off the scent (I would put nothing past that wiley Turk), we...we have someone else here.

Well, enough of him, we've got some jungle to trudge through, and we're soon up with Beret, Robert and the Rest doing just that. But our camera contunes to keep a wary eye on this newcomer (who has his own bearer).

Beret and Co are coming round a bend when a (very badly dubbed) bearer calls out, “The sacred monkeys, the sacred monkeys!” In answer to Beret's query, we're told “There, in the tree-tops!”

And we get some footage of chimpanzees. They are dubbed with weird, non-chimp noises, but they're chimps. Chimps, I tell you, chimps.

Beret agrees with me. “That's a chimPANzee.” (His pronunciation.)

“I don't mean the chimPANzee,” the bearer says.

Well, that could be interesting, then...if not the chimp, then what?

Well, the film isn't interested in such questions. Our next shot is of Beret and Robert entering the old camp. “This is our camp,” Robert says. “Where the gorillas attacked us. It's just the way I left it.” You mean you didn't tidy up even a little, Robert? You just left all the mess for someone else to deal with. You cad, Robert! I'm going to suspect you have villainy in you, just for that.

In fact, we see the body of Malumba, still lying around as well, remarkably intact out here in the jungle, where, if nothing else, scavengers abound. It's just not likely!

Beret picks up a machete and looks at it like he's never seen the like. And we cut to a topless gal sitting in a tree. Of course, her hair covers anything exciting, but--

--what? No, I didn't make that up. There's a topless gal, she's right there! She's holding hands with a chimp, but just sitting there, and we cut back to Beret and his odd machete--

Now look! I did not make any of that up!

--sorry, experienced moviegoer, you can go back to sleep. Yes, I'll stop shouting. Sorry about that.

Beret plants the machete in the trunk of a tree, and goes into (I'm guessing) Diana's tent.

“All right, step on it,” says Robert. “And take that body down the hill and bury it!”

While soft flute music plays, Beret fingers Diana's shirt. And we hear the rest of the conversation from the dubbing booth. I mean, outside the tent. Sorry.

“No, no, taboo, taboo!” shout the bearers. “I no touch body.”

“Don't be stupid,” Robert says. “Do like you're told. Understand?”

Beret, meanwhile, has had enough of fingering shirts and he leaves the tent with determination. He hears Robert being harsh to the bearers, and grabs him and tells him to calm down. “You've been getting worse and worse, ever since we left the boat. What's wrong with you, kid?” Me, I'm guessing some kind of betrayal is in the works, but if you've read these reviews you know my guesses are wrong a lot of the time.

The topless woman, remaining hidden, peers around a branch to watch this conversaion. No, you can't see anything. And no, I didn't make her up.

“I'm beginning to get worried about you,” Beret finishes.

“This is where Diana was kidnapped,” Robert says, by way of explanation. “[Beret]” he says, and when pressed, continues, “oh, nothing,” and wanders off.

Beret tells him not to wander off, as they'll be doing some searching stuff tomorrow.

The topless woman is amused by this talk, and she goes away.

Beret looks thoughtful, grabs the tentpole (no, a real tentpole, not a euphemism), looks thoughtful some more, then goes back in the tent to (I guess) finger some more of Diana's discarded clothes. I'm guessing. I don't really know. And I'm not all that sure I want to know.

And we cut to some feet stepping through the jungle, and it's the Man in the Hat with his bearer. You know, the guy who was following them, but I don't think is Turk. He tells his bearer that they'll make camp “here” (presumably where he can keep an eye on the other party) but not to light any fires.

He looks off, menacingly, and we pan down to the bearer unrolling the camp stuff.

Then we cut to Robert, walking nervously through the jungle. Turk suddenly appears and asks him where he's going. (Turk still has his beard.)

“I kept my promise,” Robert says, making me wish I'd put money on his betrayal.

“You're a clever boy,” Turk says, the kind of line which usually leads to nothing good happening.

Robert demands to see Diana. Turk swaggers off, saying when the time is right, after he's dealt with Beret. Robert grabs him roughly and says, basically, that he ought to see Diana now, and he's not happy about betraying his pal Beret.

There's some more talk, and we're basically not moving much. Turk wants Beret, Robert has a promise that Turk won't kill Beret (yeah, sure), Robert wants to see Diana, etc, etc. It's all said over and over but it doesn't advance beyond what I typed.

Turk moves off into the jungle and Robert watches him go.

To sensual flute music, the topless chick shows up and slips into the sleeping Beret's tent. She gazes at him a while, and touches him lightly, but his hand moves a bit and she darts out of there. Then we cut to a deadly ape! No, it's just a chimp, and a woman's off-screen voice names him “Honey.” I think it's Topless, though it's cut too quickly to be sure. And then we see the Man in the Hat again, hiding in the brush as Beret, Robert and Co go traipsing down the trail. Oh, good, more traipsing. I was sure hoping.

Man in the Hat follows them. They stop suddenly at a sudden roar, and a stock footage lion wanders off. They traipse off again.

Then we see the lion, Topless and Honey again, and the three of them share a good laugh. Over something, I can't imagine what.

Back to the traipsing. If you like traipsing, this is your movie, I'm here to tell you.

Still at it.

Oh, a herd of elephants. And then a panther, a leopard and a lion all running off.

“Hey,” says Beret.

“When the jungle is silent, the spirit of death is near,” says a bearer, in a flat American accent. “It's a warning for the unlucky.”

“We'll soon see if there are any spirits around here,” says Beret with confidence.

The Man with Hat goes forward nervously, and his bearer drops the luggage and skeddadles. (Skeddadling and traipsing, how could anyone pass that up?) Man with Hat ignores his luggage and continues with his gun drawn. I'm gonna guess this means he meets up with our party of Robert and Beret. Since he'll have to get a sleeping bag from somewhere. I suppose it's possible he'll be killed by one of the big cats, but then he would have contributed nothing to this movie but running time. And no one would do that in a movie, would they?

In fact, the guitar/organ/bongo music starts up and he's attacked by two apes. Robert and Beret hear the commotion and start shooting, even though they're nowhere near. Still, shooting is always good, right?

Beret managed to shoot one of the apes, and the other skedadles (see?). “Ugly beast,” Beret remarks, before turning to Hat Man. (Not before a quick shot of Topless, though.)

“You all right?” asks Beret.

“Uh huh. Thanks,” says Hat Man. “Now we're even.”

“Whaddaya want?”asks Beret.

“My name is Forrester, and I'm working with Interpol,” Hat Man doesn't answer the question.


“Well...I'm investigating your robbery.” Hat Man says.

“I've no idea what you're talking about,” Beret says roughly, but hey, I remember! It was that robbery way at the beginning of the movie. Remember? Hm? No?

“Albert Miller [sounds like he says Rabbit Muller]? I suppose you don't know who he is,” Hat Man again doesn't really answer. “I'm not interested in you at all. It's him that I'm really looking for.”

Beret says, “You're wasting your time, I haven't seen Albert for a year now.”

“Yeah, I know you haven't seen him since the payroll robbery. When he tried to murder you.”

Beret rubs his shoulder, remembering the wound.

“While you were in the hospital,” Hat Man goes on, “you were delerious for weeks. From what you said, we were able to reconstruct the crime. We only let you go so you could lead us to Albert Miller. My principle to find out exactly what that maniac is doing.”

“Whaddaya mean?” Beret asks.

“We're convinced that Albert Miller, is experimenting on conditioned-brain reflexes in certain kinds of animals. The results could be disastrous.” Yeah, but what's it got to do with a payroll robbery?

“Hmph,” says Beret, “he always thought of himself as a genius.”

Incidentally, and I know you'll be interested in this, Hat Man no longer has his hat. He doesn't seem to miss it, either.

Anyway, Beret asks what's in it for him, and Hat Man says a pardon. And maybe a reward. Hat Man also says he doesn't care what Beret does with Miller, either, he can settle all the scores he wants to.

Now pals, the two head back to join the party. Beret even gives Hat Man a cigarette, so that's a good sign.

What's not a good sign, though, are all the bloody bodies where Beret left the party. Good heavens, it IS the party! Robert is all beat up but not quite dead. He tells Beret “it was the apes.”

Beret has pretty much guessed the whole betrayal thing, and asks Robert who put him up to it, and Robert says Turk, and says that he has some weird scheme (involving giant radio apes, maybe?) that will make them all rich, and even Beard put money into it, and sorry about betraying you and all, but please try to rescue Diana, then BANG, Turk shoots him from a tree.

The way Turk is sitting in this tree makes him a wide-open target, but Beret and Hat Man skeddadle to the covering brush. Turk jumps from his perch. Some bearers attack with spears, and the most American sounding native talk ever, but Turk shoots them, then skurries into the bushes himself.

Beret and Hat Man are also making their way under some overhaning brush, but then they're captured by some natives. A quick shot of Topless shows her looking really disgusted. I guess she hates guys who are captured by natives. She is sure making a sour face.

We then cut to the two guys being carried along tied to poles. You guessed it, more traipsing.

Back to a dirt road, Turk is roaring along in his jeep, when he stops by another jeep. The occupant of this other jeep, let's call him Albert, asks what happened, and Turk tells about the captured-by-natives thing. Turk says it's possible to save him, but Albert doesn't want the natives “against me,” and then talks about his perfect plan and how it turned out to be not so perfect after all. Turk mentions that the gorillas ruined everything by getting Robert instead of Beret, and Albert continues to muse on “what went wrong” over and over. Turk asks what the next step is, and Albert says he doesn't know, but they've got to get moving. I see....

They both roar off in their jeeps to the plan they don't know yet.

And the natives put down Beret and Hat Man, and take them off the stakes. (Their hands are still tied together, though). Hat Man asks, what now? And Beret says that the natives are “savages, they expect us to run for our lives.” Which Beret and Hat Man proceed to do, and boy are they lucky these natives can't throw a spear for anything.

The two of them dash down to a creek and start to race through the water, then a native shows up and stabs Hat Man in the gut. Beret grabs the spear and stabs the native. Hat Man collapses. Thanks for all the exposition, Hat Man. I'll never remember you. I mean, forget. I meant to type “forget” honestly.

Beret, now alone, runs into the jungle. And we see some pretty flamingoes. And some parrots and things. Naturally, we cut from them back to Beret. He pulls out his knife and cuts his bonds. Then decides to have a bit of a stroll through a stream. The music goes all touristy, and he removes his shirt to appear more manly. He then bathes where the flamingoes are, gesturing for them to get out of the way and such. Well, yeah, he is pretty manly and all. I think I got the point.

He then spots an arrangement of fruits. No, that isn't a Freudian thing, it's an actual bunch of fruits left for him. Honey the monkey kind of gestures in a way that seems to mean, “Yes, this fruit is for you, you can eat it and it will not diminish your manliness.”

Beret moves toward the fruits with a relish that says, “Oh boy, fruits here I come!”

He chows down on a banana and Honey applauds.

He continues to stuff himself with banana, then gapes open mouthed at something (his mouth full of chewed up banana, by the way). We zoom in on Topless, and he says, “Hey!”

He starts toward her, but she runs off. His pants are all wet so he's pretty awkward in the water, and eventually he gives it up as a bad job and returns to his swell fruits.

When he does, she returns to where she was before and watches him. He pulls out a wet cigarette and asks if she has a match. She laughs at this, and it turns out he had a lighter anyway.

We sure get a lot of his manliness, and nothing at all of her womanliness, if you get my meaning here. They seem to have reached an understanding though, that as long as he stays THIS far away, he can look at her, but if he gets nearer she's going to bolt. I suppose it's as good a first step toward cultural understanding as any.

But there's that heavy electric guitar chord again, and there's an ape! He's looking at something.

Actually, it turns out he was right behind Beret, and the ape grabs him! Topless looks alarmed at this, and we get a brief shot of some surgical scars on ape skin (and a wheezy electronic noise), then Beret uses his knife to stab the ape.

Topless says (during the attack) “N'gowa,” (just like in those old Tarzan movies), but when Beret makes the kill, she looks upset. Women! Can't figure 'em can you?

Well, some time has passed between that shot and this, as now Beret seems perfectly dry, he has a cave hideout, and a big roaring fire. He puts some more wood on it, and claps his hands over a job well done. Then he arranges a big pile of leaves and ferns and tries to go to sleep on it. He even fluffs the ferns a bit where the pillow would be.

And, of course, we cut to Aqua taking a bath. No, we don't get to see anything. But, I mean, I was just saying, I wonder what's up with Aqua, what's she doing now? I bet she's doing some stuff. I was sure wondering. Weren't you, too?

She gets out of the bath and puts on her robe, then says, “Oh. Make yourself at home.”

And after a few more seconds, we find out she was saying this to Beard, who says sarcastically that he hopes he isn't bothering her.

He notes that it appears she intends to skip town. She doesn't deny it. He accuses her of still having a thing for Beret, but she denies this, she's just tired of Beard and his machinations and all.

But Beard has this whole “affair with Beret” thing stuck in his head, and he's not letting go of it.

She mentions that he's always promised to take her out of this “hell hole” and to some glamourous places like London and Rome and Gay Pa-ree. So she's going to leave on her own to see some of those swell places.

He says (with emotion) that she can't leave, everything she owns is his (including that cute satin number? Why, Beard, I had no idea! Would you like an arrangment of fruits?). Then he belts her a good one. Beard, you cad!

And he belts her a few more times, tells her that he owns her, and she can forget about Beret.

She goes to her dresser drawer and pulls out a gun and points it at him. Come on, what are you waiting for? She speechifies how he makes her sick, etc.

Beard, in a bit of a panic, mentions how he only hit her cos he loves her, and remember the good times, and now that he's helped finance Albert's “invention” (what, the Ronco Pocket Homicidial Radio Ape?) they're going to be rich, and all the while she says she'll shoot if he comes closer.

That wouldn't be a bad idea, you know. Get rid of one more duplicious character, and besides, Aqua is kind of cute and she deserves a break. Shoot, woman, shoot!

But he grabs the gun, tosses it away, and embraces her despite her sobs and says that even though it doesn't make sense, he's “crazy in love” with her.

I'll say.

Well, now that our insatiable appetite to learn what Aqua was up to has been (temporarily) sated, we cut to the remains of Beret's fire. And Topless' feet walking near. She approaches the sleeping Beret (as she did before), but that sly old Beret, he wasn't born yesterday, he was only pretending to be asleep! He rolls on top of her (er...) and overpowers her, and says that it's time the two of them had a little talk. (Note: Even in slow motion, which you hardly have to use in an Italian film, you still can't see anything.)

She soon decides this is pretty nice after all and favors him with a big smile. He introduces himself, and asks if she's the Sacred Monkey. She just smiles, so he thinks perhaps that she can't talk, or can she?

He decides he'll call her Eve. And she just smiles like crazy. But he notices a musical sting! It's Diana's bracelet, she has it! He asks about it, but she continues her smile exercises (she's pretty good at it).

He decides this is not really working, all the time she is nodding and smiling and kind of moaning like someone in a post-orgasmic glow. Well, sorry, but there it is.

He asks if she can take him to the bracelet's owner, she shakes her head no in that drugged way, he then says, “The one who was taken by the gorilla—oomba.” He drapes the bracelet on his own arm and asks “where's she gone to,” and Topless nods yes.

And we cut to them traipsing (yes!) through the jungle.

But then, an angry electric guitar sounds, which heralds an angry electric gorilla. He moves through a cave, shadow boxing and generally acting out of sorts. He makes a threatening gesture at a cage full of women, who all say “Ew!” and cower. Then he passes by Turk (armed with a gun) and continues past some more cages.

We zoom in on the ape's surgical scar, and get some more weedy electronic noise, and he goes to...Diana's cell! Gosh, well, yes, I was wondering where she was. He goes in and grabs her, she protests, not liking him touching her, but he drags her out anyway, etc. She's still wearing her nightie from before, by the way. She pleads with someone to make the gorilla let her go, as “he's horrible,” and I'm going to bet the person she's speaking to is none other than Albert.

Yep, it is. Diana calls him a monster and a maniac, and he cackles and says, “A monster! You think I am?” He then gestures at the gorilla. “Malik, Malik, MALIK!” he says, and finally the rough beast comes round and gets the message and releases the girl, then slouches off screen to be recast.

“I call him 'Malik,'” Albert redundances, “he's my bodyguard. He's also the living proof of all my theories. Just like a robot...he always obeys.” I'm sure the fact that you had to ask him THREE times to release Diana was just a...fluke. A bug. Be fixed in the next patch, available for download soon. I'm sure there's a workaround in the meantime.

He then brings Diana over to a gigantic wall-sized mural of a brain, disected right down the center. “This brain is the nerve center that controls all the apes,” he says, no doubt revealing the end of the movie, “so you see—I've inserted radios in their skulls. To receive impulses from that transmitter over there. Their will....ceases. It puts my command.” He points at the big mural again. “This brain cell is responsible.” He points at Diana. “They won't harm you, unless I want it.” He moves closer to her. “They are my pets.” He goes on. “I've managed to eliminate their savage ways,” he opines, and I'm going to be generous here, in light of all the killing they've done, and assume he means their OWN savage ways. His savage ways are just fine and swell and stuff.

“Now you have to learn to obey me like them,” he says to Diana. “If you resist....I'm going to be...severe with you.” He grabs her, and she makes Oh-ick-I-hate-this noises. “Or, I can lock you in that cell over there” A quick shot of the cell of ladies that the ape scared. “--for the experiments I perform on's up to you to decide,” he says, while she moans a bit and makes half-hearted, inarticulate protests.

She then runs off, saying, “Some day you'll pay for all this!” but she runs right into Malik, which kind of takes the sting out of her threats, and, really, was not a good place to run to and thus shows she's not good at planning escapes. “Call him off,” she asks, brushing her hair with her hand. (I'd say something like, “Huh! Women!” here, but it would probably get me smacked, so I won't.)

“You'll all PAY!” Albert shouts. “I can take control...of all humanity with this invention. I'll be rich and powerful. ALL OF YOU WILL DO AS I SAY!!”

“You must be out of your mind,” she says. Oh, really, Diana? Do you think so? Why on earth would you think such a thing? What's your evidence?

Before this fascinating discussion can continue, a red light in the brain mural flashes. “Oh, we have visitors,” Albert says. “Go and have a look, Turk. If it's who I think it is, get him.” He then grunts a bit, and tells Diana he'll deal with her later. And he shoves her back in her cell.

And we cut to Beret and Topless out in the jungle. They peer in a cave, and there's, uh...something in the cave. Not sure what it is—kind of looks like a big skeleton of something—but it stands out from the drab cave walls.

“Diana?” asks Beret, pointing towards it, and Topless nods yes. Gee, I myself wouldn't have made the connection. I would have thought he was naming the cave “Diana!” Guess I'd be a damn failure trying to find someone in the jungle! Good thing I'm not going there any time soon.

Inside, Albert is looking at...a throne, which is all in leopard skin. Pah! Bet you didn't know Edith Prickley did contract work, didja! Pah!

You might be interested to know that we're at the seventy minute mark, and I sure hope we're near the exciting conclusion. I would welcome either, of course—something exciting, or a conclusion—but both at the same time would help this feature in the extra credit department, and I have to be frank here—this film isn't going to pass on grades alone, so work on that ol extra credit, boyo.

Well, Albert gets on the microphone and talks to Beret through a loudspeaker that is at the entrance to his cave. He basically recaps what we know (he got Beard to organize this party just to get Beret) and what we've seen (Beret is quite capable of surviving and of being a tad clever). It's like the scene in most James Bond movie when the villain starts speechifyin', only much duller and more useless here. He then goes on to say that he's chosen Beret to be the first human being that he will operate on, and thus the first human being to serve Albert as a slave. He then taunts Beret by saying, basically, “Chicken, Beret?” and then he laughs and laughs like a villain in an old serial.

Well, of course as soon as Albert started talking, Beret got this gleam in his eye like, I know what to do now, and he began slowly making his way further into the cave. Um, which is what Albert wanted, but hey, I'm sure Beret has a plan.

Beret continues on his way inside the cave, and the electric guitar chord sounds again! Which means the apes attack,, no, they don't. Topless, by the way, decided against this little spelunking expedition. (Wow, we had traipsing, skeddadling and now spelunking—don't tell me this movie doesn't have it all!)

Well, Turk shows up behind Beret and starts taunting him, and Albert calls out to Turk to bring Beret here, and this must have startled Turk just enough for Beret to make his move and escape. Turk fires after him, while Albert yells out for Turk not to kill Beret, what with that whole electronic-human-slave thing he's been planning.

Back to the cave mouth, Topless decides maybe she wants to go caving after all. So she makes a few tentative steps in, and one of the gorilla slaves appears. She speaks kindly to it, and it kind of looks like “I don't know what I should do, I'm so confused, torn between my gentle ape nature (to which this gal appeals) and the hellish technology which has made man master over me!”

Topless continues to speak “Lumba” over and over, which I'm guessing is either the ape's name or something in a very compressed form of speech, like “Klaatu barada nikto.” We get the usual zoom into the ape's scar and the electronic hell noise, and Topless starts looking a bit worried. Why, this is not the gentle ape with whom I grew up, and often gamboled about the jungle with, is what she may be thinking. That sort of speculation is for the folks who write books thick as sandwiches; me, I just yatter on endlessly, or so it seems.

Anyway, the ape attacks and grabs her, and carries her off while she screams her fool head off.

Back to Turk in the Cave, Albert is telling him what a fool he (Turk) is, and how he (Turk) let “them” trick him. Albert does this over the (apparently rather extensive) loudspeaker system in the cave. (I can just see him talking to the construction crew: “Oh, and I want a sound system throughout the cave, in case anyone shows up and I feel like taunting them no matter where they go in the cave. I've always wanted that.”)

Turk continues stalking around, with the odd interjection from Albert (“And remember, I want him alive!”)

It would be quite cool if something happened right about now, to lessen the monotony. Don't misunderstand me, I could probably watch Turk skulk (traipsing, skeddadling, spelunking and skulking) around in a cave for hours—it already feels that way, for some reason—but I'm starting to look down my nose at this movie, thinking, Movie, your grades are not very good. You need to start doing work more in line with your potential.

Turk looks down and spots a footprint, and looking a bit further on, sees the toe of a boot behind a boulder. Aha, he probably thinks, it's the “old empty shoe gambit”--why, that's the oldest trick in the book. Let me see if I can fall for it!

Sure enough, he does, and Beret says, “Now I'm gonna kill yuh.” And they proceed with a bout of fisticuffs. Turk keeps pulling out weapon after weapon (his shot gun is kicked away, his knife is tossed away, etc) and it goes on for a bit.

Finally, Beret strangles him with his own rifle. So much for that plotline, at least he (Turk) had more impact than Hat Man, and yes, I can already hear you saying, Who?

Back at the Central Control, we hear Topless yelling her head off (but we see Diana in the cage). Albert thinks this is cool, “another visitor, the Sacred Monkey no less, captured by one of her subjects.”

She gets put into one of the other cells, and Albert taunts her that now the apes no longer obey her, and soon she will obey his commands. Albert, you are really, really asking for it. I'm pretty sure now your major in college wasn't Medicine or Science or even Home Ec, but it was in Hubris, Taunting Fate, or Villainy (Third Rate).

After he's told Topless What For, he notes that the light in the Brain Mural (man, how cool is that to type?) is flashing. Much like Topless' simple word, “Lumba,” the red flash probably means “Beret has killed Turk and is at large, heading toward Central Control.” I sure hope so, I'm ready for any kind of conclusion, exciting or otherwise. Because so far, it's been “otherwise” all the way.

Albert calls to Malik and gestures for him to accompany him. Albert goes over to the microphone and says, “Well, Beret, it seems you got away from Turk. Listen, Beret, you'll have to do what I tell you to do, for once. Diane [sic] and the girl are my prisoners. Their life [sic] depends on you. You wouldn't want their death [sic] to be on your conscience, would you, Beret?” We see that Albert has a camera system in the cave as well (I roll my eyes), and he's scanning around, looking for Beret. (We also see that he doesn't know his singulars and plurals, but that's neither here nor there, it's just me wasting your time. Hey...wait a minute!)

“You better hurry if you expect to see them alive,” he continues. “If you don't get here in ten minutes, I'll turn them over to the gorillas, and there won't be much left for you, [villainous laughter].”

The gorillas (both of them) start looking keenly at the women, and grunting loudly. “Do you hear, Beret?” asks Albert. “The gorillas are getting excited [glad someone is]. They're just waiting for the word. Better give yourself up. I'll wait for ten minutes. Then I'll release them. Come on! Why resist, you can't escape. I'm looking forward to seeing you again, Beret. My old comrade in arms.” Just for variety, he doesn't end his broadcast with maniacal laughter. On the plus side, no commercials for Roma Wine or Autolight spark plugs (an in-joke for you old-time radio fans).

He goes over to the cages (where everyone else is) and tells Diana that Beret doesn't stand a chance. No, of course not, why would he? He's only got Turk's rifle. (At least I hope he does. If he drags this movie out by being “noble,” i.e., gunless, I'll kill him myself!)

Then, of course, Beard and Aqua show up and pull a gun on Albert. That's just what I was expecting, too! Beard wants his daughter released from the cage, Albert points out that nothing has happened to her, and Beard counterpoints out that this is because he (Beard) got “there” (the cave) too fast, before Albert could do anything dull. I mean, horrible, inhuman, etc.

Beard says that as soon as heard about Robert's death (wow, news travels fast in the jungle) he realized that Albert might not have been on the up and up.

Remember what I said earlier, about Old Tricks found in Old Books? Albert suddenly pretends to have a blinding headache. Beard, however, has apparently learned from slapping Aqua around, and he deduces that Albert is just stalling for time.

--then why the hell did you put it in the movie, you stupid director! That's it. I'm getting out the red pen. See me after class, young man!

Albert drops the whole “headache” bit and tells Beard that all he wanted was Beret. Really? I had no idea! Would you like an arrangements of fruits as well? (It's the joke that never gets old!)

Beard thinks Albert wants his paws on Diana as well, and tells him (Albert) to “get moving.” He tells him to open Diana's cell. Albert does so, and Beard tells Aqua to care for her. Then he (Beard) and Albert are gonna have a bit of a chat.

Just based on watching lots of movies, I'm thinking that Albert secretly released the apes, and they're going to attack Beard. (Remember, Beard beat up Aqua, so he is a bad man.) But this is just speculation, because Beret hasn't shown up yet to save the day. And he's the cough choke ahem hero of the film.

Beard talks about how he gave money to Albert for his “crazy experiments,” and Albert says he'll pay back the money, but Beard says that money and those experiments cost him (Beard) his son, and he's pretty ticked about this. He's going to finish Albert once and for all, except--

Aqua turns out to be a double agent, on Albert's side. She pokes a gun at Beard, tells him, “Don't move,” disarms him, and...makes me lose any respect or sympathy I had for her. Sure, Beard slapped her around, and that was bad, but she...she! She's making the movie longer.

She gives Beard the “I hate you, and Albert promised me stuff” speech, then shoots Beard. Diana isn't happy about this, but then, she's rarely happy. And as for me...well, Aqua added another villain to the film. Another villain that has to be taken out before the conclusion.

Putting that conclusion that much further beyond our grasp.

I hate you, Aqua. If I was there, I'd slap you myself, and I'm honestly not a bad or violent person.

Funny what bad movies will do, isn't it?

Anyway. Sigh. Aqua tells Diana how she (Aqua) hates her (Diana) too, because Beard was always buying her (Diana) cool stuff, and Aqua is all bitter about this. She goes to kill Diana with...uh, a knife or something, I dunno, maybe just “girl fight” powers, and Topless goes to Diana's rescue. (Here's to Topless, the only really altruistic and helpful person in the whole film.) (And no, while she has been topless the whole time, no, we never see anything.)

Well, this whole dueling broads thing is brought to a swift conclusion by none other than Albert, who shoots Aqua. Yep, just like that. Why?

Well, Albert says that he's been hunting “the Sacred Monkey for a year, and I don't intend to lose her now! [pause] When I want something I take it, and I keep it forever!”

So, there's Albert, surrounded by dead or fainted bodies. At lease he eliminated an unnecessary villain, but then, he created her in the first place. (It's hard to score things like that.) And then a rifle shot rings out! And it's Beret, and he says, “Not this time, Albert!”

(Not sure who or what was just shot by Beret. Albert reacts as if it was his arm, Topless twiches like it was her who was shot...please don't let it be The Warning Shot of the Noble Hero.)

“This time you've finally lost the game,” he says, and he walks over to where Topless and Diana are now standing and awake. (The gorillas are still in their cage, but who wants to bet that Albert will still release them somehow?)

Somehow, though, Beret failed to note that one gorilla had bent the bars on the cage to an opening that would just, imagine that, accommodate an escaping gorilla! Probably because it wasn't like that, and they stopped the camera, and bent the bars, and made it look like the gorillas did it, because they think we're all fools.

And maybe we are. Or at least me. Because I watched the film. And you're reading this. Er, I hope.

Anyway, it turns out it was a Noble Warning Shot, and Albert compliments Beret on being punctual, since it's just now ten minutes, and you all remember that ten minute warning time Albert placed on Beret's heroism.

Albert keeps yakking and yakking (yes, I know...traipsing, skeddadling, spelunking, skulking, and now yakking) while the free gorillas sneak up on Beret, and then they grab him, but Diana shouts out how he should shoot out the flashing red light in the Brain Mural...., I would LOVE to have a Brain Mural in my house. Just imagine the conversations it would start! And the conversations it would finish, as my guests fell victim to my simian slaves!


Well, Beret, even beset by apes, proves to be a remarkable shot (thank you!) and he shoots out the light in the brain mural.

The apes grab their heads, Albert's expensive stuff (“Say, can I get HDTV in the cave? Guys? I'll throw in another cold six.”) starts shorting out, and Beret tells Topless that the apes are “yours, Eva!” (Remember how he called her “Eve” a while ago? Well, never mind, because he says “Eva” here.)

She starts shouting out commands, and the apes chase Albert into the cave, and—can you believe it? He tries that same old “I have this headache” thing AGAIN! Albert, you idiot, these are apes, and if you can't fool Beard with that old routine, how do you think you're going to fool apes?

Well, sure enough, they don't believe his “headache” story and start manhandling him (hey, would you apes like an arrangement of fruits?), and more stuff blows up in the main lab. And, to ominous organ tones, this selfsame stuff starts smoking! In a movie, where kids could see it smoking! Merciful Minerva!

Fortunately, we cut away from this irresponsible equipment smoking, to a boat somewhere on a shoreline (perhaps the shoreline island?), and Beret, Diana and Topless approaching said boat. Beret asks Diana if she minds him giving Topless Diana's bracelet. She says no, she doesn't mind at all. Topless is pretty pleased.

And Beret and Diana get in this way convenient boat and roar off down the river, and Topless goes back into the jungle, and who do you suppose shows up! No, not Aqua with a letter of forgiveness. No, not Beard. No, no, not Albert, and not Turk, and not anyone else! Stop making those bad guesses. Yes, you, you in the back, you were right. It was Honey the chimp! Ha ha, chimps teach us all a lesson, don't they, about, um, er, about, how, uh, bad movies are better with wacky chimps. Yes, I'm sure that was it!

And we get the best words we've ever seen in a movie, ever: THE END.

(Wipes sweat from brow.) Whew!

Well...that stank. I mean, that was a real chore to sit through, and I cannot imagine telling you anything other than NOT to make my mistake. If you're a fan of really bad gorilla suits, well, even here they aren't in the movie enough to make it worth your while. Also, did you notice there wasn't an island anywhere? (There were hints of one, sure, but hints can go several ways...including right out the door and out of the movie altogether.) I suppose the gorillas might be considered “kongs” if you have no sense of judgment or history, but there sure wasn't a king anywhere around either, although I bet in Albert's mind he was king of everything. That seemed to be his plan, anyway. In fact, this movie was missing one really important item: a reason to watch it.

No, I'm not forgetting all the traipsing, spelunking, skeddadling, skulking and arrangements of fruits. If those things are what you like to see in a movie, this may be your ultimate film. Just be careful! All that excitement at once, whoa, you...just need to settle down, a little, there, or you'll injure yourself with ecstacy. If you're also a fan of really bad gorilla suits, man, I do NOT want to see the explosion at your house.

As for me, your humble reviewer, I think I'm going to purge my brain of this with...well, heck, anything would be better. Even
Carnivore wasn't this dull and stupid and worthless. I feel dull and stupid and worthless myself now, and I think I'm going to go lie down.

--December 4, 2004