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Originally published at Crap and Garbage in Violent Opposition. Adapted and edited for inclusion here.
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Have you seen those refrigerators that have television screens in the door?
I've seen them at Best Buy and so on, and while the initial striking
thought is, How cool, the second thought is always, Who the
hell would want one of those? Who thought this up, and then thought it was a
good enough idea to actually make one, and convinced other people to sell it?
Now, having a television set above the stove makes a certain amount of sense.
When one is cooking, one spends most of the time in one position (facing the
stove) while stirring, frying, or stir-frying. One could watch television
while doing this. One could even watch a cooking video while doing
this, and you could make sure everything was done right in real-time; now there's
a good idea. But how much time does one spend looking at the refrigerator?
Well, I can only speak for myself, and my answer is, Not much. I
probably don't even look at it per se, but only subconsciously assure myself that
Yes, the refrigerator is still there, where it was yesterday.
It doesn't get a lot of play, attention-wise. I would notice it if it
was missing. But I don't check it every half hour to see if it has been
stolen.
In fact, generally, the routine is to grab the handle, grab what I want, possibly spend a couple
of moments hunting for what I want, then close the door, and the
refrigerator returns to being a faithful friend awaiting my next need.
I probably spend more time looking inside the refrigerator, trying to
find where I'd hidden the green onions or wondering what the heck that is
inside that bowl. So, a television set inside the refrigerator would
get more watching time. But haven't we all been conditioned NOT to leave the
refrigerator open? It wastes electricity, and spoilage is just standing there
waiting to instantly turn a nice cut of meat into a deadly bacteria factory.
It takes mere seconds, man, close the door!
Plus, you'd get a crick in the neck, I'm sure.
Now, maybe you're thinking this: If some freeloader comes over and wants to
drink all my beers, I can put a fantastical video on the refrigerator TV, and
he'll be distracted by the video from the beer.
Eh...I suppose that might work. If you're lucky enough to be visited
by extraordinarily stupid freeloaders. Another scenario: you've only got
enough money for a TV or a refrigerator, but not both. Or, you have a small
apartment, and combining some appliances is a space-saver for you. All of
these are legitimate although kind of stupid reasons.
No, I think the real reason someone would buy a refrigerator with a television
screen on it is because that initial How cool thought just takes hold
and will not let go. That person is buying this thing not because it's useful
or attractive, but simply because it says How cool to everyone.
Imagine you're at a party at some guy's house and he asks you if you want
something; you reply in the affirmative, he strides to his TV Refrigerator and
gets the item. You, watching, think How cool.
I'm sure after reading this essay, though, the many impracticalities of the device
occur to you as your host hands you whatever it was he offered you. But you
keep silent. Because he gives a good party. And you want to be invited to the
next one. Don't you?
There must be hundreds if not thousands of things available for sale whose
sole defining virtue is that they say, How cool. People buy them,
because they want that coolness transferred to them. Wow, I thought he was
kind of dull, but after seeing his refrigerator, I realize now that he is kind
of cool. But this refrigerator-television combo has got to be the most
obviously useless. I suppose it's not actually harmful, like smoking
cigarettes, which is about the only thing in its favor.
People buy lots of things--cars, clothes, recordings, and what-not--just so they can appear cool. But all of those things have a built-in excuse: they are actually useful and/or entertaining in their own right. While one might suspect that Mr. X bought a certain model of car solely for the cool factor, he can legitimately say that he needed a new car. And the argument is over, pretty much.
I don't think these refrigerators have that kind of an out. They're too blatant in their aim. Also, if you have a lot of refrigerator magnets, wouldn't they interfere with the signal?
February 26, 2005